tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52666706696590283012024-03-14T02:24:28.948-07:00The Daily DosingLife explored through the eyes of addiction and mental illness.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.comBlogger240125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-31648675211963563162014-09-03T14:56:00.003-07:002014-09-03T14:56:44.967-07:00Despair and DissolutionI haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me ages just to get to my blog. Frustration. <br />
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Everyone can say "I told you so". Haters alert, this one is rich for criticism. My life as an addict has turned into the typical disaster. I'll be spending a year in jail up in NH. I'm just waiting on the prosecutor to finalize her plea offer. But I know that no matter what I am doing at least a year. On the positive side, my sentence includes a mandatory in house drug program. I'm actually looking forward to that in hopes that it will help me find an end to this madness. In fact, I wish she would just finalize her plea so I can accept it and just go. The sooner I begin my sentence, the sooner I'm out and able to pursue life. <br />
I've always been able to manage my addiction and appear functional to those I meet in passing. But when my boyfriend went to jail last November to do a five month suspended sentence, I lost all sense of reality. I missed him so much and didn't realize how much I relied on him until he was gone. My world just melted into a swirl of heroin and benzos. I didn't want to feel the days going by. I just wanted him back and I didn't want to remember all the pain I felt every day in his absence. He was the only person in my life who fully understood me. He knew all my faults and loved me despite them. He made me feel special and beautiful, loved beyond words. If you don't do drugs it is impossible for you to understand the bond that grows between two people who suffer together, survive together, and float together in blissful harmony. We know the best and the worst that other person can be. We were as close to being one as two people can get.<br />
And then he died. He died of an overdose on May 25th, 2014. He died in the back of a pickup truck, in a parking lot in Roxbury. I wasn't there to save him this time. I've saved him so many times before. Driven his convulsing body to the emergency room door, called 911 to come to our hotel or apartment to administer narcan and cpr, I've administered narcan myself on several occasions. But this time I wasn't there. I was in jail. I was in jail for doing stupid shit because I missed him. And now I'm going to miss him forever. I will never forgive myself for not being there for him when he needed me. <br />
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare right now. My love is gone and I just can't accept it as true. I envision him around every corner. I wait for his phone call that will never come. I search all the places we have been, looking for that piece of myself that is missing.<br />
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I may seem okay, but it's just a mask to help me through the days. <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w5DQ_NPaa6k/VAeFhzA94qI/AAAAAAAAAjE/KsxtEulvVpE/s1600/DSCF2079.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w5DQ_NPaa6k/VAeFhzA94qI/AAAAAAAAAjE/KsxtEulvVpE/s1600/DSCF2079.JPG" height="239" width="320" /></a></div>
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Empty subway stations that only remind me that I am alone. Places we used to go together and these places used to mean fun times. Nowadays, places like this only serve to remind me of the struggle ahead.<br />
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People actually sleep in this mess. I have better places to sleep and a man by my side, a man I love and trust. But a new man doesn't make me forget about the man who protected me for years. This new man doesn't want me to live this life. But will he really be there a year from now, when I walk out those doors - free from my cage - will he be there like he says he will? Life has left me unsure. Can good things really last? <br />
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This is me. This is how I spend my days. I tramp around and try to make money for some pills to make me forget about my sadness. I try to forget about the love I lost and show my new man the love he deserves.<br />
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Here I am, on something, trying to forget my life. In a moment like this it's just me and my new man. I want to just feel happy and safe and loved. I want these moments to last forever. I want reality to cease existence so I can pretend I haven't lost my love, so I can pretend I'm not going to jail.<br />
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Here are some of the places I sleep. I think they are beautiful. I love to wake up without a care in the world. Someone strong and capable next to me, someone who just wants to love me for who I am.<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5Hen0o182xU/VAeIAPsjEdI/AAAAAAAAAkE/rfYkb8pjx14/s1600/IMG_2111.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5Hen0o182xU/VAeIAPsjEdI/AAAAAAAAAkE/rfYkb8pjx14/s1600/IMG_2111.JPG" height="239" width="320" /></a>Isn't that what we all want? Don't we all spend our lives seeking that one person who makes us feel whole? Nobody wants to go through life alone. We want to share our joys and sorrows with someone who understands. I am changing my life so that I can share more beauty. I want the beauty without the sorrow.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-45994638713965689532014-04-03T21:54:00.001-07:002014-04-03T21:54:09.106-07:00She's Climbed out of her Hole and she's HungryI'm sick of not writing for fear of attack. I refuse to let anonymous haters keep me from expressing myself. I have a lot to say and much to contribute to this world. So get ready, here it comes. NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-41715832467813920502013-07-16T22:05:00.001-07:002013-07-16T22:05:20.679-07:00Alive and Well<strong><span style="font-size: large;">I am Not dead. Thank you so much to the people who showed such concern for me. I am so very sorry that I caused you to worry by being absent for a while. My absence opened the door for a very troubled person to take advantage of the situation and manipulate your emotions. I feel partially responsible for allowing this to happen. Please forgive me for not being considerate of the fact that people may have been worried about me. I will try to have more foresight in the future and let people know if I am going to be gone for a while. Let yourselves relax because fortunately this time an addict did not die. I really appreciate the powerful things people had to say and the way you all defended me. Thank you all so much.</span></strong><br />
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WTF? I know its been a while but I am so horrified by what I found upon my return. I read it quickly and probably haven't processed it fully yet but I need to quickly say that I am so sorry that all the people who read this blog were upset by some insane person telling you all I was dead. I AM NOT DEAD!!! I was never in jail, I never OD'd......I'm actually doing really well and have just been extremely busy. I did not have access to a computer for a while but Jason and I recently bought our own laptop That's, like, a huge accomplishment for us. We honestly purchased it, fair and square. Even though it was out of the locked case and on a table because it was a special sale. It was just begging to be stolen. But we have never stolen anything that we didn't really need. We have never stolen for the pure thrill,for the rush you get as soon as you know you got away with it. We only stole from large corporations, never family, friends, or average citizens. I can somehow justify stealing from a place like Walmart. I will gladly explain my reasoning behind that decision at another time when it will not detract from the main point at hand or confuse the reader. But in this case we had the money from both of us working, and we were not about to be sick from withdrawals if we didn't get money for dope, and we were not starving because we had no money for food. So we just simply bought it. Brand new, all ours.<br />
As a matter of fact, anonymous, you can straight suck it because I am doing better than I have done in a very, very long time. I think you, anonymous, are the coward who preys on others, takes pleasure in the pain of your fellow man, and you clearly have a blackness in your soul to concoct such a devilish scheme. I feel sorry for you that you spend your days imagining ways to hurt others because you can't understand them. There is too much hate, misunderstanding, small-mindedness, jealousy, etc in this world, please don't bring it to this space. It is all those human characteristics which cause so much pain that drove me to find solace within myself through the use of drugs. If I can just get high enough that I withdraw completely inside myself, then I don't have to think about why people are so mean and hateful, why the world is so violent and unfair. Heroin has always effectively caused a cushion, a shield between me and the world. I have never found a better, quicker, stronger way to deal with my pain. That is why it is so difficult for me to give it up entirely. There are so many people out there who are like this "Anonymous". I don't know how to fight them, how to make them see that they are just as wrong as they believe us addicts to be. So even though things are good these days, I'm working, I have a safe place to live, I have a car, a great boyfriend, my family, I still use every now and then because I just can't let it go entirely.<br />
Part of why I didn't make a huge effort to write was that I was worried about who could come across this blog. Employers? Probation officers? So I believe I have made sure my last name is not on here, nor my location. People like anonymous would probably rat me out in a heartbeat. But it would be nice to utilize this outlet again. I rely on Jay to listen to all my venting and that's just not fair. Maybe returning to my blog would give him a break. Normally I would be asleep by now but I am geeked out of my mind. I know I shouldn't have a drug test coming up any time soon and I have the weekend off. So we treated ourselves. It's a nice release but I wish we were somewhere other than my mother's basement. Everyone else in the house is asleep of course. But we have to be so quiet and aware of anyone moving about. My siblings are all addicts (in recovery for the most part) and they will tattle away if I don't share. And my mother would simply lose her shit. We do have a decent amount of space downstairs here. We have our tv, computer, books, a nice bed and lots of other stuff to occupy us. I would just rather be in the city with a hotel room, a show to see, and a bunch of money.....but wouldn't we all like to be there? This will do. <br />
We took a long drive today, back to the old stomping grounds, so we could be certain we were getting shit that was worth our time and money. There's not much that sucks worse than waiting months to finally get wrecked and then you spend money you actually earned the slow, hard way just to get bunk shit. There's no point in dealing with someone I don't know at this point in my addiction. It's not like I'll get sick if I don't get shit. I have a stockpile of suboxone so I don't need to worry. I get high for pure enjoyment so it best be enjoyable. I do know, however, that it can go bad fast. Enjoyment turns to necessity like night turns to day. That's a big reason I live so far from anywhere I know anyone. Plus the threat of jail in the event of a failed drug test keeps things in perspective.<br />
I just want to say thank you again to the people who still follow this blog. I'm so sorry I didn't realize what had gone on here sooner. It's so terrible that people had to feel upset for no good reason. I'll try to check in more often. NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-75056785417169370842012-06-09T21:30:00.000-07:002012-06-09T21:30:07.902-07:00<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: 100%;">In the many years in which I have been faithfully using opiates, illicit and otherwise, I had never witnessed an overdose until recently. I wish I had been more prepared for such an event. And given the statistics which pretty much promise that most addicts will relapse over and over again before finally, if ever, getting clean you would think I would have been given some info about overdoses. I've had counselors and doctors at rehabs and clinics give me information about injection safety and nutrition based on the assumption that I would, in all probability, use again. Why would they not make me as informed as possible so that I could perhaps save the life of another? </span></span><br />
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Thankfully I'm not a complete moron and God was probably on my side, looking out for me and my boyfriend. Because I did save his life, three times. Yeah, yeah.....why, given my history, would I date someone who has the same problems as me? Well, I really never seem to click romantically with men who haven't had some sort of addiction because I always feel like I'm misunderstood by them. I feel more comfortable when my partner knows what I've been through in my life and can sympathize. Maybe it helps to not judge me as much if you know that he wants to be clean. He was in fact clean for three years until over the holidays this past winter we both relapsed together. I suppose it was set in motion because of the stress we were under and then all it takes is events to converge in a way that makes it really hard to turn down using. Like having someone use right in front of us and offer it to us even knowing that they shouldn't and they were doing us a serious disservice. I've noticed that it is all too true, however, that misery loves company. And it seems that addicts especially don't like to go down alone. They feel less guilt about breaking down and getting high themselves if they can look next to them and say to themselves, "Oh well, so and so is high now too. I'm not the only weak one so it's not that bad".</div>
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So yeah, I'm with another addict struggling with recovery. But I still love him and feel happier than I have in a long time. I think despite some of the struggles we've been through that we can still have the possibility of a good future. Since the last OD he has gotten into a suboxone clinic and is trying really hard to make that the only opiate he uses. Sure, we have our days when we break down and getting high seems like the only way to relax, to ease our minds. Especially living in Worcester and having drugs so readily available. Anyhow, I could go on and on trying to justify my choices to people I hardly know. But it comes to to the fact that they are MY choices. And I have to live with them, no one else. And I am happy with the choices I have made. The real point of this post is to share my experience so other addicts can be more informed when it comes to having a friend or loved one OD. I wish I had read more about overdoses before this happened to me. I wish I had been more prepared and I could have spared myself quite a bit of grief. </div>
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So.....we had just begun to dabble in heroin again. Both of us at one point in our pasts had used huge amounts of dope, but not recently. He had been completely clean for many months and aside from a relapse here and there, three years had passed without more than a night or two of using small amounts. As far as myself, I had switched from methadone to suboxone over the summer and it had been working for me. The only issue I was having was that it was an expensive habit to maintain and sometimes I couldn't find it when I needed it. That was the problem which led me to seek out an alternative to begin with. The thing is that with suboxone a person still gets sick, just as if they were out of heroin. So I needed to find something to not be sick and dope was the best option, especially in the mind of an addict. And once the wheels are in motion it's SO hard to turn back. So we began to use here and there. Some days taking the suboxone, others seeking out dope.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: 100%;">The day the overdose happened, the first overdose, the one that scared me the most because I had never seen anything like it, we had obviously been getting high for a few days. But by the time we shot up on this particular afternoon it had been quite a while since our last shot and we were not feeling well. We were pretty sick and could have, should have, just taken our suboxone. But instead we had been holding out, hoping we could find a way to get high instead. It was late in the afternoon, maybe four o'clock and we had just bought two half grams, one for each of us. I did a little over half of my bag, not sure how strong it was I was trying to be careful. I didn't watch him to see how much he did, not realizing yet how </span>susceptible to overdosing he is. I later realized he didn't do that much more than me. He is always faster than me at shooting himself up. I'm generally still putting some sort of tie around my arm and searching for a vein and he's all done. And this day was no different. So as I was busy looking at my own arm and not worrying about him he was slowly fading right next to me. It took until I finished shooting my own before I looked up and noticed something was horribly wrong. His eyes were rolled back in his head and he was lightly convulsing. The worst was that his breathing came in these spastic wheezes, obviously his lungs were not working right. And his lips were an unnatural shade of blue. I panicked.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">I have never taken any type of emergency first aid class. But I wished now at that moment that I knew something, anything at all, about emergency resuscitation. I smacked him in the face, hard, a couple times.....nothing, no response, no change. I pummeled his chest with my fists hoping this would shock his heart into beating again, although I know now that it never actually stopped. It's the lungs that shut down first. I began to drive. I thought about calling an ambulance but I couldn't find a phone and he was in the car already.....oh, yeah, we were staying at his uncle's house at the time and we didn't want to have to go there to get high because we obviously didn't want anyone to know what we were up to. Oh boy, living with his uncle is a whole book in and of itself. The uncle is a quadriplegic and spends his days in his wheelchair which enables him to move about his small apartment pretty well leaving us no place for privacy of any sort. So we were parked in a parking lot not far from his house. Normally I really prefer to get high in the comfort of my own home but beggars can't be choosers, no? So here we were. I couldn't find my phone in my state of panic. I felt like I could barely see or breathe myself. My mind didn't want to work, my thoughts were racing, my skin was hot I was cold but sweating. I thought he was going to die right next to me, in my car. I would lose my best friend and lover and probably go to jail for involuntary manslaughter I'm thinking...."Oh my God!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">I hauled ass out of that parking lot. I was speeding through traffic. Still not that familiar with the streets of Worcester at that point, I knew the hospital was quite close but I had to think fast which roads would get me there the fastest. I think my subconscious mind took over because I don't remember making the choices to turn here or there but I know we made it there and fast. They said when they examined him that five more minutes and it might have been too late. Thank God I acted fast. I was throwing icy water in his face as I was racing through traffic, passing people and blowing red lights. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">That was probably not the smartest thing to do. In driving him myself, I avoided the police,but I could have gotten us both killed. I realize after two consecutive OD's in which I did call 911 that avoiding the police is absolutely desirable. Even though in Worcester they are not supposed to make arrests on and OD call, they still harass you and try to get you to react so they can arrest you. I have some crazy tales about the way the police acted on the subsequent calls...but that's a tale or two for another day. </span></div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-76292370051347435552012-06-09T21:17:00.000-07:002012-06-09T21:17:27.078-07:00<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Where should I even begin? I'm slightly </span>embarrassed to even put down in writing the events which have occurred over the past few weeks. My last post I wrote about how I was so happy and I had this great and wonderful new boyfriend who was my soul mate. I wrote that he made me feel so perfect and sure of myself and blah, blah sugar-coated bullshit blah. Because as it has turned out, when the shit hit the fan, he just couldn't maintain it. But let me explain. It's not like he's suddenly telling me I'm a fat, ugly, worthless piece of shit. No, no, not at all. In fact, he claims he loves me to death, wants to marry me and have a baby.....but the kicker is he's writing me all this shit from jail. Yup, that's right, he's back in stupid jail just like I said would happen if he didn't stop doing stupid shit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> Obviously I knew exactly what he was doing and often would be right there with him even though I didn't agree with what he was doing. He even got me to do some stupid shit. And all the while I was doing it I was telling him how much I didn't want to and it was stressing me out and I hated doing things so illegal because I've never been to real jail and don't ever want to go. I really couldn't understand why someone who spent three years behind bars for larceny would do the exact same thing he went in for the first time, knowing full well what the consequences could be.<span style="font-size: 100%;"></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>And that's what's really pissing me off. He knew full well that he could end up back in jail, I kept telling him every day so it's not like he could forget it. And now that he's there he's acting like he's so shocked and tormented. Well, what the fuck man? What did he really expect? I'm sure everyone reading this is so curious about what landed him back in the slammer. I'm not really sure it's such a great idea to totally spill the beans because it could seriously incriminate me and what if some sleazy rat fink of a Worcester cop is reading this and uses it against me in court. Let's just say we were stealing things. I can't say from where, or when, or how. I would like to stress that it was never, ever from people, like friends, family, or even strangers. It was always from huge, heartless corporations and so it's easy for me to consider that a victimless crime. And I really don't want to hear some shit about how us stealing makes everyone a victim because it raises the prices for all consumers and blah, blah, blah. Fuck that. Those companies allot a certain amount of loss due to theft, so someone needs to help them fulfill those numbers. Besides those companies, like, say Walmart or Target (not that I'm saying I ever went to those particular stores, but just as an example let's use them) have all their products manufactured overseas often by child laborers....creating God knows how many victims in those children and their families who are working in unsafe conditions for unfair wages and being totally manipulated and taken advantage of. Can anyone really say that what those companies do to maintain huge profits is less of a crime than stealing a couple hundred dollars worth of crap off their shelves? Then you have to consider the victims those companies create within our own country, our own communities. Think about how many small business owners are no longer functioning due to superstores knocking all competition out of the water. Okay, I know stealing is not okay. And I'd really rather not steal but sometimes it seemed like the only option and I would do it or participate in him doing it against all my better judgement. And of course, look where it has landed us. </span></div>
</div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-64382628069696377862012-06-09T21:11:00.000-07:002012-06-09T21:11:36.501-07:00Well Hot Damn! It took, like four -five hours maybe to get this shit up and usable. Torrential rains, poaching access off downstairs neighbors (they know about it okay all you flippen goody two shoes out there so don't have a cause.....oh, I mean cow), all proved very difficult to get an available connection. But here I am despite all odds. And even then it's only cuz we borrowed the laptop we bought my boyfriend's son for x-mas cuz it's the only chance we have to use the internet except when he's here on weekends. Bet ur all so darn happy to hear from me. Gotta give all the haters out there something to bitch about.<br />
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I realized I fucked up after my last post. I only talk about myself and generally only when I'm pissed. But my boyfriend read it and pointed some things out to me that I do agree with on many levels. I should try to make the time to write about all the blessings in my life. I have a lot to be happy for. All the things I bitch and stress about are superficial things. All the things that truly matter I have those in riches. I have a man who loves me more than I could ever expect anyone to ever love me and I'm lucky enough to have him be a man I feel just as strongly for. How many people can even say that at all? How many people go through life never, ever finding real, honest, all-consuming love? I think it's more than we realize, or want to think about cuz it's sad. But not only was I blessed to find him, but I have my two brothers and my mother who support me throughout everything. I have a nice apt., although I do really, really dislike my roommate...more on him later. Right now I'm trying to work on a project and it's late and I have court in the morning.<br />
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But I want to make it clear that I use this blog far too often as a place to simply bitch. Most of the time I don't mean it, I'm just venting. Like last time....I made J sound awful, and he's not! He's amazing and beautiful and my best friend. I should stress that more and not only talk about when I'm mad. Sure, we have drug problems and we egg each other on. We can be a little poisonous to each other when it comes to using. But the most important part is that we both want to be clean, we want to have a family, and we're working really hard to get it together. I'll write more later...but everyone should know the love I have for him, he's the best lover I've ever had and makes me feel better about myself than anyone else ever has.<br />
<br />NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-86934653989257384232012-04-27T19:29:00.001-07:002012-04-27T19:29:57.638-07:00Back on methadone. Got back on the day after I realized my boyfriend wasn't getting out of jail until I came up with $1000 bail. That wasn't going to happen while I was using.....and right now I pretty much wish I hadn't made it happen at all. Cuz now he's out and even though 99% of the time I love him and love being with him...right now I'm thinking I can't be with him for anything....not a friendship, not a relationship, nothing.....he will always put drugs above everything. Me, himself, the world. Why would I want to be near anyone who is like that. How could I ever trust him, trust what he says, what he does, where he goes....all our money, our stability, everything will always be at risk of being lost. He's probably going back to jail for at least a year. That's the life I have to look forward to? Fuck that, I don't want that to be my life. I don't want to have to be alone cuz he has no self control, no love for himself or his life. He's overdosed like eight times since he got out in September, than gone back in for a month and got high again the night I got him out. I'm so fuckin pissed right now!!!<br />
<br />
I don't really love him enough to put up with this shit....and he's probably gonna search this out and read it and never forgive me for spilling my guts but I have to be mean right now and I can't do it to his face cuz he'll never recover from my searing words and evil glare. But I have to get it out, all my anger, frustration, and failure on my own part. Why do I settle for the lame in life, the pathetic, the useless....I have so much potential....and I hate that word...that word makes my stomach roll, like the word 'swell' or 'slacks'.....it's like chewing on the polyester those hideous slacks are so often made of. I hate it probably cuz I wasted so much of my own.<br />
<br />
He was doing well for the past week, just taking his suboxone more or less as prescribed and we finally were able to begin to climb out of this hideous hole we've dug ourselves into. And then he runs into one of his so-called buddies and suddenly he can't finish his day without making crack a part of it. And I get mad and I argue and tell him not to but he has it in my mind once he brings it up and then my mind is divided.....I want it as much as I hate it and don't want it. Once it's in my face I can't say no. I thought I had got him not to do it and I closed myself in my room to try to sleep it off, the anger, the cravings...maybe they would be gone in the morning. But I didn't get the chance to wait till morning to see if it had all left my body. He flipped the lights on ready to smoke and had to bring it in front of me..."But at least I was honest to you" he says, "I could have just let you sleep and done it behind your back". As if I was actually sleeping, as if I didn't hear every breath, every footfall up and down the three flights of stairs to our apartment. As if he's ever been able to hide anything from me before. I'm a fiend of the worst variety, I can smell the intention of drug use a mile away. <br />
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And now we're waiting to waste even more money. Just like I told him would happen. I can't do just a twenty....and he knows that and uses me as the excuse once he's started it. "Well, I would have been fine with just a twenty"...yeah, but you didn't protest when I needed more did you?NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-35034493253378642212012-04-06T22:55:00.001-07:002012-04-06T22:55:40.095-07:00whhooooosh!!!! finallyNHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-15887991379520343022012-04-06T22:18:00.002-07:002012-04-06T22:42:53.166-07:00I am a waste of life. I do nothing to make the world a better place. I am selfish and indulgent and greedy. And I'm vain and I'm not even pretty at all.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-33308333492218114312012-03-28T16:25:00.002-07:002012-03-28T18:33:09.540-07:00I really don't know why I'm not, like, 200 lbs. I love to eat. It's one of the very few things that truly calm me down. But not just any type of eating. It has to be special. I guess that's probably why I'm not huge. I don't just shove things in my face because that's not what relaxes me. It's not simply moving my mouth, chewing, swallowing, all that. It's having a really good meal, something so delicious that it really takes your mind off of real life. I like to make the meal too. That way it builds up slowly and I get to think about how wonderful the tastes will be once I'm done. The thing is, I like comfort type foods. Fattening stuff like lasagna, meat loaf, mashed potatoes, steak, chowder, butter, sour cream, anything with bacon. And sweets. God, how I LOVE sweets. <div><br /></div><div>I've been eating super crappy food for about three weeks. Mostly because I can't spend any money because I have to save it all for Jason's bail which is $1040. In his defense though, he really didn't do anything but drive my car without a driver's license. But he's been in jail awaiting trial for over three weeks while I've been trying to come up with this money. I'm actually pretty close and I think I should have him out by Sunday. And that will be great because our court date is on April 3rd and I guess he has a better chance at thing from the outside. Apparently the system (the judge, the D.A., even your own public defender, the public unless they too are in the "criminal" realm) looks poorly upon going to court from the county jail. They see it as nobody caring enough to get you out. You're seen as a super fuck up everyone's given up on. So they sentence you even more harshly than they would if someone bailed you out. I hope they won't be able to see that it took me up until the day before court to get him. Trust me, it's not that I don't care, I just don't have a thousand dollars hanging around waiting to bail someone out of jail. </div><div>And tonight, after many nights of eating mac n' cheese, peanut butter and jelly, cereal, or nothing I finally splurged. I'm making corn chowder. and I already made a key lime pie. I cheated though and bought the crust and I bought whipped cream because I'm not sure if I have an electric beater here. I'm pretty sure I have one in my car but I don't know where and I was planning on selling it at my yard sale on Saturday. I'm waiting to hear from my land lord whether or not he's okay with me having a yard sale in our driveway this Saturday or not. I think I could make some decent money if I get the chance.I have a ton of DVD's from the past ten years or so. I should be able to get at least a few bucks for each one. And then I have a bunch from the past few months. They could be considered 'New Releases' for sure. None of them are more than six months old from being on the shelves in stores. I think $7 - $10 is a fair price for those. They've been watched only once and they are all at least fifteen to twenty-four in the stores. That's half price at least. It's worth a try! </div><div><br /></div><div>Let's see.....I'm sort of drunk. Been on methadone for a few weeks so I'm not using that sort of thing. Can't afford weed. So I bought a really, super cheap bottle of pinot grigio. And I haven't had anything to drink in quite some time. So I guess I'm sort of drunk...having already downed half a 1.5 liter bottle....so basically a bottle of wine. oops. WTF...I feel like shit. I literally am sick. I have some stupid ass cold/flu type thing that my nephew Cameron had and gave to my mother. My mother I made drive down here to Worcester last week to drive me back to NH to get a bunch of my shit to sell to get Jason out of jail. And she was a good sport seeing as how she hates Jason and doesn't think I should do anything to get him out, let alone sell me special stuff I've been saving for years. </div><div><br /></div><div>Damn, my corn chowder is so flippin deee-licious! I really wish Jason were here to eat it up and enjoy it with me. He really likes my food and loves eating it and he compliments me the whole time. I don't really care what other people think about him because he makes me feel better than anyone ever has. He really appreciates me and compliments me on everything and I don't have to wait for it or ask for it...he just comes out and says the nicest things. I really believe he loves me so much and it makes all this crap worth it. Because all he did is drive without a license. But because he has defaulted on cases in the past, they made his bail really high. I couldn't easily come up with that sort of cash. I still only did it by doing some stuff I would rather not have done. But I really want him out. So I have stupidly put my self on the line to get him off it. I know that's really dumb...playing with fire. I have so much to do...I have to shut down.I'll try to write when I'm not drunk and tired...and hungry...</div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-50706725430913581492012-03-02T08:59:00.005-08:002012-03-03T12:29:33.332-08:00Hello Again!<div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; "> Hey, I bet everyone thought I was dead. Maybe you wondered if I overdosed, or got into a car accident. Nope. I just haven't had the time or inclination to get my lazy ass to a computer. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; "><br /></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; ">A lot has transpired. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span style="font-size: 100%; "><br /></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; ">I'm living in Worcester, Massachusetts with my new boyfriend who I'm really super in love with. And trust me, love is the only thing worth living in a place like Worcester for. This is one hell of a grimy city. Assuming I can maintain some sort of posting stability I'll have plenty to write about regarding the shit that goes on in this town. I already have quite a few shockers hidden in the corners of my mind.</div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">The way in which I met my current man is somewhat unconventional and I'm sort of embarrassed to explain how it came about because I know people will judge me. Disclosing the details of our meeting is something I'll have to think about. But all in all I believe it was meant to be. I've never met anyone who makes me feel so sure of myself. I spent so long with someone who wasn't my match, who had a knack for making me feel ugly and undesirable. My new man makes me feel perfect, all the time. I can be unshaved, unshowered and grumpy and he still tells me I'm so beautiful to him. So all the difficult moments of the past year have been worth it since they led me to my soul mate.</span></span></div><div><br /></div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-76066504363107082432011-01-20T19:02:00.001-08:002011-01-20T19:53:42.374-08:00F the privatization of prisons and the inhumane treatment of inmatesAs usual, as of lately, it's been a while since my last post....but such is life. Too much shit, too little time to deal with it all. Been spending a lot of time up North where there is no wireless<div><br /></div><div>My new boy is in jail and probably going away for three years at least. I guess I should have known that would happen. I knew he was on the edge but I was not paying attention to what was really going on cuz I was in my own world. And then it happens and I wish I had convinced him to leave the state when I could have. But I went up North cuz I'm a coward and I wanted to be taken care of and feel safe and I let him feel left behind and abandoned and now he's going to prison. I suck. Mostly because I haven't wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with him in almost nine years. Sure I've had Mikey but it wasn't like that. With what's his face I can hardly be next to him without wanting to drape myself upon him in a way that makes as much of my skin come in contact with his as possible. I picture his hands, his face, his voice every morning and every night and most minutes in between. I've written three letters in as many days and I haven't done that since high school when my then boyfriend got kicked out for cheating on a test, from me, who was way more stupid than him. Anyhow, I feel like I'm seventeen and totally in love for the first time. It's ridiculous.</div><div>I've bailed quite a few folks out of jail in my life. I've been there myself on occasion. But jail and prison is NOT the same thing. Once you really care about someone who is caught up in the system and is going to prison for several years or more you really begin to realize how fucked the system is. When you are a prisoner they basically take away all your rights. You are owned, an object, you are not allowed to be human anymore. Did you know that masturbating in prison can get you put in the "hole?. It's public indecency since you're never alone. They can't smoke, they can't get fresh air, they don't eat right, they can't feel safe for even a moment, they can't communicate with most people, they can't vote, travel anywhere outside of the country ever again, they can't support their families, they have to become something else, something cold and hard that doesn't feel the same because it's the only way to get by. But then when someone wants to help them from the outside, suddenly their rights are of all importance. No, we can't give you that information because you care and want to help. No, no, we uphold human rights only when it gives us the upper hand. I can't even visit him because I have a dismissed drug charge from over ten years ago. I don't even think he can put me on his phone list because I'm a bad girl, thank god I'm a bad girl, I'd hate to be good. Because don't you know, only the good die young.</div><div>I know it's probably hideous to the mainstream drone but I'm giddy because I got a message from him the other night. I got a call from some kid who was like, "you don't know me but my cousin is in a cell with what's his face and he wants me to give you a message". I was like, in my head of course, "Hell, yeah, I'm getting a secret message from my hot ass felon boyfriend from the inside. That's so Goodfellas."</div><div>Yeah, yeah...fuck you too. You'd want to fuck him too, trust me. </div><div>Anyway, I'm sure if they'd let me on his list he would have just called me himself. Cuz my brother's friend who was in jail for a few months said he once used used his calling privileges to call someone for someone and he made him give him two candy bars, a cup of soup and some other shit. So at least I know I'm worth the trouble of ten dollars worth of contraband. Or at the very least an ass whooping, cuz the kid seemed a little shaky. And what's his face is a big dude and already did a nine year bid. Plus he's pretty convincing when he wants to be.</div><div>How can someone be in jail for "receiving stolen property"? How is that his fault? Someone else stole something, gave it to him, and it's his bad? WTF???? I haven't talked to him yet...court date is in ten days, but who's to say the cops didn't put in ipod in his pocket and say he "received"it? Huh?</div><div><br /></div><div>Fuck that.</div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-53297126767218719142010-12-20T05:55:00.000-08:002010-12-28T06:15:38.218-08:00It's the hard knock Life for Us!<div>I wrote this days ago and never posted it. I'll post it now, don't have time to re-read so God knows what I've written. Oh well, I'm sure it will be entertaining for now. Leaving civilization today. heading up north with Mike for a bit. Not getting "back together" per say, but I need time away from this area and helping out up there will fit the bill. Peace out to everyone who has been there for me through weird shit and "good" times too. love to you all from the lifelong "junkie loser" - strange how that doesn't really upset me. Is it such a bad thing to be. Maybe nobody says I want to be a junkie when I grow up because nobody knows it's an option.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Remember the shit? That movie, Annie, about the red-headed orphan? That sit's funny, it came on tv while I was sleeping, sort of, and I've ended up watching it. Who plays Miss Hannigan? She does a great job playing a drunk, heartless bitch.</div><div>Sometimes I prefer old movies to the new movies out nowadays. All the people aren't super perfect, perfect skin, perfect bodies, perfect everything.....they look more real, just like the rest of us. I think that the way people are portrayed in magazines and film these days is super detrimental to the collective soul of our world. It's not realistic, everyone knows that, yet we all still strive to attain such perfection. Perfection that will never come to us, ever, no matter how hard we try, how many products we use, or how many surgeries we have. </div><div><br /></div><div>Ah, shit, Miss Hannigan just fixes the picture by tilting it when it was straight to begin with. After she wakes up with a bottle in her hand next to her bathtub gin........funny shit. She tries to seduce Daddy Warbucks.....I need my own Daddy Morebucks.......</div><div><br /></div><div>I have to stop doing this white shit. I'm going to kill myself with a heart attack. Some kid I sort of chilled with in high school just died from an OD, heroin, but it's easier, I think to OD on coke. Because with dope you generally nod out or fall asleep before you die. Coke just makes you want more and more until your heart pops or something. I wish it were gone. </div><div><br /></div><div>Why do so many women have a thing for a bad boy image? Do we like the torture? Is life too boring without it for us? I wish I were average, ordinary, blind like it seems so many are. It seems like life would be so much easier if I were one of those people who worked the same job for twenty five years without missing more than. like, five days ever. How do they do that? I can't imagine being at any of the jobs I've had in my life for that long. But some people not only accomplish it, but they seem actually okay, maybe even content if not exactly happy. They have happy, or really truly stimulating moments every so often....a child is born or someone dies, a holiday comes around and it's just so fuckin pleasant for them to focus on that and make it worth living for. For me, it's just so difficult to maintain one personality, or situation for very long. I need there to be unknowns, surprises, something to trip me up, make my blood pump hard. Without that I get too antsy and create situations in which I need to function at a higher, faster level than everyday life. </div><div><br /></div><div>yesterday I could have stayed here, safely, with no problems at all and gone Christmas shopping and errands and shit for my Mom. But the very thought makes me want to puke. Instead I deliberately put myself in danger by driving an hour or more to a city to meet a man who does not ever have my best interests at heart, only trouble is in his heart. But I wanted the trouble, the closeness to the edge is stimulating. Will we get caught? Will we die? Will we go to jail? Is he lying? I kind of enjoy the not knowing, it scares me as much as it intrigues me. Am I warped? Other people must feel that desire to be close to death or destruction just to see if they can make it through. Anyone who does an extreme sport is certainly flirting with death? What I do is similar to that of an athlete addicted to the adrenaline the sport creates for them. Mine is just a less healthy, overall, addiction. </div><div><br /></div><div>Mikey just had to hide the rest of the yayo from me so I don't sit here all ganked out all day writing stupid shit on the internet. My arms are busted, but I like scars. What's his face has a scar down his left side below his eye. It's pretty big but it blends in well and I personally think it's sexy as hell. I wish my scar that I got when I fell was more like a real scar, well part of it is a real scar, over my eye. I definitely needed stitches and had a concussion but I didn't want to go to the hospital but ended up having to anyhow in the long run because the clinic wouldn't dose me with my eye all busted until the hospital cleared me for a head trauma. So I should have just gone to begin with and maybe my scar would have come out better. Above the place where there was a deep cut there was another patch that wasn't quite so deep. But as it's healing it looks retarded because it just looks like rug burn now. Of course I have to get a doofy scar and not a cool one. I guess facial scars are better on men anyhow. I've dated a couple guys with substantial facial scars. Not, like, all over their faces but a big one down the side. Both what's his face and my boy Anthony from back in the day have scars like that. Mad sexy. </div><div><br /></div><div>What's his face just called. He said he would but I try never to wait for anything he promises with great anticipation because I know he will disappoint if I wait for it. But if I pretend I don't care he has to call to make sure he's still got me by at least a little thread. The more I seem to give the less interested he seems. I think he may be jealous because he finally listened to me just now and realized I was going far away from him for a while, with my ex no less, so he said he would call me right back but now I haven't heard back from him in a few hours. But I won't call him back, no he'll call me when he can't take it anymore, I hope. If not, at least I know the name of the program he's going to so I can find him if I want to later. </div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-85658229219438280202010-12-19T22:32:00.000-08:002010-12-20T05:55:39.724-08:00Today was, well, I don't really know what to say about today. It should be over but it's not....it's still going, I'm still going....strong. I was taking suboxone for a few days, in fact I took it today as well and didn't use any H, but I'm pretty amped up on some damn good coke at the moment. Not my usual drug of choice but not, certainly, something I'm going to turn down given the opportunity. My crush of all crushes did call me over the week that my phone was broken and I was hiding away, sick as hell, up in the North country. He had his court date and wanted to see me before he went away. Although I'm not so sure that he would care to see me so much if I didn't show up with a car to haul his ass around all day and night. Plus I bring him shit to sell or simply share my money so we can both get high. What addict wouldn't want to hang out with some pretty girl who was so in love with them that they would risk their own safety in order to please them. I know it's pathetic, but I almost don't care because I really do love him, all his faults of which there are many, and his monstrous beauty. He scares me and confuses me and I know he doesn't feel exactly the same about me. I honestly can't tell how he feels about me at all. One moment he's telling me we'll live in the shelter together and get an apartment through the state and live there together, and the next he's giving me the most pitiful hug goodbye that I was actually horrified and insulted and called him out on it. I swear he tries to start a fight with me every time we part because it's easier for him to leave when he's angry. I hate that, I want to have a heartfelt goodbye. If he's going to a program, or jail if he doesn't set the program shit up, for six months to what could be fifteen years than I want a real hug and kiss goodbye. I mean seriously....is he fucking fucked or what? It drives me crazy. He drives me crazy, but I love it. I love the challenge. (why and how can I taste the coke in my mouth when I put it in a vein? It's crazy but I can't see how some folks can do this every day. It's way too much, I prefer to be brought down rather than forced up. I'm pretty amped all on my own without much help.......eeeeek, hot damn! this shit is Sta..rong!) <div>I've been awake now for far too long. Mikey passed out hours ago - not really into the yay even though he's the one who hooked it up. He should know better than to leave me alone at night with a gram of coke. I haven't done it all but it's only because it's so good I couldn't have without making myself sick. A gram of dope would be a different story. That wouldn't be around for very long at all. But then again dope doesn't make my heart feel like it's about to explode.</div><div>Anyhow, Mike and I are staying at my mom's house through Christmas because she seems to want us to be here for the holiday. But then we're going to head back up north. I'm going to stay up there and help him with his house for a while, and hopefully it will help me stay out of trouble. With what's his face in a rehab program for an indefinite period and me far too far away to get to him, maybe, just maybe I'll get over it/him. But I also don't feel like it's right to make Mikey think that everything is fine and I'm gonna just go right back to him. After feeling such intense attraction to someone else I realize that he is more my best friend than anything. But he realized, after I wasn't there anymore, that he was in love with me and he wants me to simply move there with him and have kids and live in this weird border town. I just don't think I can do that. Mikey knows all about what's his face, everyone does. I really suck at lying or even just keeping things to myself. Everyone in my fam knows where I've been these past weeks. They all know I relapsed and fell in love with a crackhead, dopehead, felon asshole who happens to be unbearably magnetic as far as I'm concerned. I doubt there are very many women in this world who wouldn't find him alluring. Without knowing all the details of his life, just meeting him is something to throw anyone for a loop. And he just happens to be all the things I find must be a trait in any man of mine. I really don't think he feels the same, and that sucks. But maybe it's a blessing. Maybe I can find someone else I'm as drawn to who isn't so emotionally unavailable and complicated. </div><div><br /></div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-6663714103907701572010-12-18T06:53:00.000-08:002010-12-18T07:54:45.507-08:00Life.....Still F'dWow-eeeee, oh so, SO much has happened since last I posted. I spiraled away into a black hole of using for about the last three weeks (well, no it's been exactly a month, now that I consult a calendar since the show, Nov. 19th) - but this was a binger way crazier than anything or anywhere I have ever gone before. The catalyst for my recent breakdown was trying to live with my family and trying so hard to fit into a town that is just too stuffy and straight-laced, I had so much steam to blow off I just couldn't control myself. I can't even say it's over but I'm not using today. I made it from here to there a hard way - by making myself get stuck in the north country with no shit, nobody to get shit from except Mikey with his suboxone. So I had to wait until I was sick enough and then I gave in and took some suboxone and now here I am fake "clean", barely maintained on synthetic heroin that the govt. can regulate and feel good about. fuck that. But it's better than being sick and better than compromising my soul to get high everyday. But I don't know how long I will be able to stay at this pace, this level, I am an addict at heart and never really stop thinking about my first and strongest love which is heroin. Suboxone keeps me from being physically ill but it's never worked well for me for very long. As an addict it's too hard for me to regulate myself. I can play with that shit too easily - take it when I want to and not when I don't. Use, get sick, maintain, fumble and cycle back around all over again. <div>But for the last week I've been staying up in the far North with Mikey, the ex, I know......but it's the only safe place I have right now. He's gutting a house up there which he bought outright over the summer. It might just be crazy and intense enough of a situation to keep me pumped enough not to use for a while. Sleeping in a tent inside a gutted building in eight degree temps, scaling roofs covered in snow to install our wood stove and meeting some crazy people who work the border - pretty interesting. And for now it's keeping me off the streets which is where I have been since that night I met my latest downfall. I have to finish up this post because I am currently at my mother's house gathering some things to bring back north and she needs me to go to the grocery store for her - ah, how things just never change, right back in the old groove of icky. But you have to give to get, right? I just feel like I give a lot and then get weird things I don't really want in return. Although I do know I owe my mother right now - at least payback for the craziness she's witnessed from me and the worry I've caused. It's the least I can do I suppose - I just hate it though.</div><div>Anyway, I'll try to post again later because I know everyone really wants to know what happened on the streets of Worcester with my crazy man over the past month. And of course that is the juicy story. Oh boy-o am I hung up on the baddest boy I could possibly find. But isn't he just the most alluring motherfucker on the planet to me. He's like a magnet for me - I can feel him pulling me from here as I sit writing this. We've spent many a night tramping the streets since that first - and I should be running from him in the opposite direction. But that just isn't what I want to do. I want to burrow into him, be part of his being, and never be broken apart. And I know there is a part of him that feels the same way........but we're like that doofy eminem song..."When a volcano meets a tornado"........that's us. It's been a wild ride........</div><div><br /></div><div>......to be continued. Soon, I hope.</div><div><br /></div><div>Until then, keep on keeping on the best we can.</div>NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-64197743445753991322010-12-03T09:53:00.000-08:002010-12-03T10:45:17.905-08:00Life is F'dI haven't posted at all lately because my computer (laptop) was stolen out of my car. Why was is there that night? I don'y know, it shouldn't have been. It should have been at home, I should have been at home.<br />I have sooooo much I want to say, I feel like my head is exploding. I'm so used to blogging as an outlet and I just don't have that right now. I need to figure out a way to get a new comp, or use the town library in the meantime.<br />life sucks right now. I totally relapsed. I've gone off the deep end, I've been doing crazy shit that I didn't even do ever before when I was at my very worst using drugs back in the day. I've been "clean" for so long. I used qouatation marks because I've only been really clean from opiates and hard drugs. I still smoke weed and take my meds, which are certainly drugs. I just don't believe how fast and crazy shit like this can happen.<br />It all started because I went to Worcester, Mass to try to meet up with my sister to get some xanax or klonopins or something cuz I was all out. But pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong did just that. My phone died, and I had no charger so I couldn't call my sister and the show seemed like it had already started by the time I got there, and shakedown (the area where people sell anything from crystals to stickers to heroin, usually). But this shakedown sucked. And by the time I was there, it was all over. My mind was working all on it's own. My feet took themselves to the exact place I knew I needed to be even though I'd never copped in Worcester before, it was as if I knew my way around already. Within minutes of showing up at the spot, I found myself being carried along by a huge man. I wasn't really paying attention to him, I just wanted to score. He smelled clean and I wasn't getting a bad vibe about him. So He found me what I wanted and a clean needle and he brought me to a quiet hallway where I could boot up.<br />I don't look at people very closely when meeting them. I go more on feeling. Can I feel like this is a good person. And I just felt safe with him. WE did our shit and then we were just sitting there talking. And he must be very insecure beuase he asked me if he was handsome. And I honestly hadn't really looked at him until he said that directly, so I had to look at him closely now. I wanted to know now, was he handsome. A lot of the kids I've always copped from have been good looking but there are always nso young and hardly speak english, I've just never hit it off with a street dealer before. But here I am lookinh at him, finally, and he is not just handsome, he's magneticaaly beautiful. He draws you in with a look. I never should have looked. I wish I'd never met this torturous male siren, with the fullest lips and humungous brown eyes. And because we both were high I don't rememenber the specifics of how I ended up straddling him (clothes on, thank you very much) But he must have said something to get me there because I'm very shy and insecure and I never would have approaced such beauty without an invitation.<br />I have to go, this is my brother's computer and I need to get going. More later, because the story nis not even close to over. My heart is breaking, and I know he wants me too but I don't know if he knows what to make of me, we are so different.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-8993547244462396082010-11-13T21:42:00.000-08:002010-11-13T21:55:13.614-08:00Well Mumsie Dearest is away. How sad. How sad it is that she has to eventually come home. Sorry, I guess I shouldn't say that. It's not that I don't love her, I just can't stand her. I don't even know how much I can even get into right now. There's just not enough time in the day, the night, this life altogether needs to slow down and give me more time.<br /><br />For starters I'm here alone with my twenty year old, passive aggressive, hallucinogen obsessed, asshole brother. If he's not here begging for money, showering, or sleeping with his seventeen year old GF, he's off doing who knows what ans shuts down communication. He has no regard for the wa others may feel, I worry he's hurt.<br /><br />I can't even get into the details. my mom bought this stupid car I didn't want her to buy. I said it was a scam. But she never listens to me. So she buys this jalopy b/c this fat greasy schemer tells her she's beautiful. The car I picked, the guy didn't flirt with her. OMG he was professional. So out with him and now I'm driving this fricken death trap. Literally. Anti-freeze is blowing right at my face every time I turn the heat on.<br /><br />Only positive: hot new mechanic, will keep posted,NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-45948222540533326062010-10-31T05:41:00.000-07:002010-10-31T06:36:12.455-07:00Hello Hello to all My DearsHello and Good Happy Halloween Mornin' to Ya! It sure has been a while. I'm going to try to address some of the comments I've been neglecting and give a general update here while I have a rare moment of peace and quiet. I miss my blogging world despite have a new real world which is taking up all of my time. I feel often that my blogger friends understand me better than some of the friends and/or family who actually see me in person daily. And I don't want to lose the connection I have to you guys - those in particular, who I would miss the most, probably know who you are. And then there are some new folks been stopping by and I feel so psyched about that because they seem cool. I'm glad to be hearing from you Verity Vaudeville cuz I think we have a lot in common and it's good to bounce thoughts off other interesting folks cuz they understand the origin of the pain or happiness better than someone who does not think in the same intense way as you or I or those who are in the realm of the functioning crazies. And I say that with as much love as possible. I really appreciate you all. And I love when Boston Joe stops by on his way about his own super busy life. Much Love to you all!!!!<br /><br />So what's new? Oh, there's just so much I don't know where to begin. I'll have to check in with Jeannie and see how her illness has played out cuz mine's still hanging on with a lot of might. I feel a bit better for a day or two and then here it comes, rolling back at me with full force. I'd probably have more luck beating this thing if I had a few days off to recuperate. I hadn't been working at all (well, not a real job anyhow. And work for my Mom is more forgiving than the real thing) and now I'm working non-stop. I think, since I started my first day at the choco store at the very end of September, until now at the very end of October I've had only three days off. And we all know I spent those days doing my laundry, cleaning my space, cooking so I'd have lunches for the week, and generally preparing to continue the daily grind with as few snafus as possible. One afternoon I did just take to bed and refused to acknowledge anyone or anything so I could sleep a bit. And that helped a lot. If I could do that for just, like, two days I think I could beat this faster. But I've been taking plenty of the traditional Day/NightQuil, the Theraflu icky hot medicine drinks, and the Mucinex which just seems to make gooey shit come dripping out of every orifice - shouldn't I be dried up already? For crying out loud!? It's begun to dry my skin out to the point it's itching and I have to slather myself in moisturizer - but my lungs and sinus areas are still slogging in mucus. So I've added some alternative remedies and have been drinking much Gypsy Cold Tea and echinacea with garlic and ginger. And although I am not well yet, there should be something to be said for not collapsing entirely. I don't feel a hundred percent but I'm still getting high praise at both my new jobs so imagine how much they'll love me when they see how hard I work when I'm not sick. Whoo hoo, they better watch out, can they handle my greatness as an employee?<br /><br />No, really, in all seriousness I am enjoying both jobs for the most part. I love, love, love the chocolate shop because I'm learning so much I really feel as if I'm an apprentice to this amazing trade. I feel very blessed to have found something which makes me happy and advances my culinary knowledge. Because any regular reader must know how much I love food, and cooking and baking and now I'll be adding confections to my repertoire - and that is awesome. More details on that later because I do have to work today for only four hours but it takes time to get ready too. And I still need to walk dogs and do some yoga for my own salvation in this life.<br /><br />And this is mostly in response to SB because she brought up that working at Starbucks must be cool cuz free drinks and stuff. I actually am beginning to like it more and more as I'm learning all the crazy variations and coffee police guidelines - but there is one thing that puts a damper on it. Well, more than one but let's just focus for now on the fact the Starbucks I work at is not a "real" Starbucks. It appears so to the eye of every customer walking in the door, you are greeted with the traditional green and black color pattern, and all the typical products appear to be present but it is owned by Stop and Shop. And this is apparently an extremely rare arrangement, but of course I managed to find it. So although we serve the same drinks and follow ninety-nine percent of the same rules, certain little things don't apply. For one, us employees don't get free drinks like at a real Starbucks. We don't get a bag of coffee every month to take home and we don't get trained as well. Our paychecks are actually signed by Stop and Shop. How weird is that? We also have slightly different prices and we don't offer all of the same promotions to the customers. It can make things a little confusing, for sure.<br /><br />Okay, dammit, I have to end this now so I have enough time to get ready and do some yoga, just a little, enough to keep my as pain free as possible. If people know how much yoga could help them they would just have to do it. I wish I had started years ago, I wish I had learned as a child. If I do it regularly, and I admit I have been slacking because I've been feeling sick and tired (the very reasons I should force myself TO DO it even more), it really help me in so many ways but mostly it helps keep the pain out of my shoulder. Without yoga, I can't even lay on my left side to sleep at night because it's too uncomfortable.<br /><br />Well, for the third time, I think, I am off. I'm working downstairs in the shop part of the chocolate factory today. I prefer the kitchen, obviously, but the shop is wonderful too. Being decorated for the holidays makes it so magical feeling. I feel like an elf working at Santa's chocolate shop. Have a good day everyone.<br /><br />Love,<br />NellieNHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-40542448464033145102010-10-14T04:02:00.000-07:002010-10-14T04:04:46.986-07:00Sorry, sorry, so sorry I've been neglecting comments, friends, and many other things while starting these new jobs. Got two jobs, one at the chocolate place and part time at Starbucks too. Things are good for the most part...looking up. Promise to fulfill my duties to friends very soon.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-83609360749764199472010-10-09T18:57:00.000-07:002010-10-10T11:26:41.879-07:00Super duper busy. Got a bad cold - stupid cold. I hate being sick. It's like you're still alive and you look normal, mostly, but no one can tell how shitty you feel cuz it's not like having a broken leg. A cold is like mental illness, only a cold actually has more discernible side effects as far as the outside world could see.<br />The worst thing is that i just made this dinner I've been craving all day, all the while I was selling chocolates at the chocolate shop, and I can't even taste it properly. i'm gonna try the best I can though because I can imagine how fricken delicious it should be.<br />I love my job at the chocolate shop - I really do. I've been getting along with everyone. Except for this one lady who I will tell all about later. Right now I'm gonna eat this here steak and taste it the best I can.<br />Goodnight, dear readers. I promise, promise, promise I will check comments tomorrow.<br /><br />Love to All,<br /> NellieNHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-57181044193633556342010-10-04T18:10:00.000-07:002010-10-04T18:17:03.271-07:00Good day. Long day. Interview at Stop&Shop grocery store. Hired to work part-time at the in-store Starbucks. So with both jobs combined I'll be working at least full time, maybe more. Nice. I'll be making some money. AND, I got some anxiety meds today. Nothing crazy but I think it will help. I don't talk about it too much, I don't know why. I have super bad anxiety. Maybe because I lived with it for so long that most of the time I figured I was just going to have to go through life anxious and unhappy because of it forever. But I really like me new counselor and my new Doc, so who knows. Maybe with my 'team' I'll actually be able to get off this fricken methadone shit for good. And maybe I'll eventually be able to go into a store without sweating profusely, heart pounding, loss of breath, tingling fingers. That would be cool.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-36623979933501326392010-10-03T10:08:00.000-07:002010-10-03T14:28:00.540-07:00Well, things are good and things are bad. I have my new job which is really cool. It's pretty laid back so far. I like working with chocolate. It's an art for sure. The melting and coating, the setting of the creams and checking for inconsistencies. I feel like I'm in Charlie's chocolate factory. Everyone seems to like me and I feel like I fit in. And I have an interview tomorrow for another job at the local Stop & Shop grocery store. So with both jobs, because it seems like once you get the interview the job is yours - at least in the service/low paying industries - I should be able to save up for a car. I want to get a small 4x4 pick-up or suv, used of course. Something I paid for and will be ALL MINE. That's the motto for the future. Get what I need to live all by myself. It's been my dream and my goal since I began writing it down, so since I can remember. I look back at old journals and I keep reading the same thing. I just need to get the basics so I can go off and do what I want. But the same issues just keep repeating themselves and I get nowhere. But it does seem like I have a chance for things to be different this time. Why? Well, it's me, I'm different. Before I would have been so out of here with nothing to keep me going. I would be sleeping in a tent or car or a cabin with no electric or water - just to get away from my crazy family. My family is still crazy, and I still have no respect for any of them - but I've learned to fake it so so. I haven't lived in my parent's house since I was seventeen. I got no help then and I don't get much now. I get a roof and the basics but it's always been emotional support I've craved. I've wanted a role model, someone to copy who did things the way I wish I could. I know there are people out there who are like what I wish I could be, I've just never actually personally met any. But I will. Because I'm going to stop hanging around close enough to my Mom so I can save the day for her or my siblings when she has an emotional/mental breakdown. I'm always worries she'll kill herself and I'll need to be nearby to pick up the pieces of her mess. That's no way to live, it has never been a way to live, it sucks, it sucks me dry, I have nothing left for myself after blotting her wounds all the time. I'm done, I'm living for myself. And part of that entails dealing with her crazy for once in my life, not running away from it because it stresses me out. I have to find ways to deal until I have my own basics and then I'm doing what I've always wanted even if it means I'm not near by to clean up her mess.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-12288574174219075722010-09-30T18:22:00.000-07:002010-09-30T18:32:25.438-07:00It's not that late but I'm tired. I get up by six most days, earlier now because I GOT A JOB!!! Whoo-hooo! It's not a really crappy job either, it's a cool job. I'm working at a place called The Chocolatier and it's a small chocolate shop within walking distance of my house. But the best part is that they have a kitchen above the shop where they make all their chocolates by hand and I get to work in the kitchen and the shop. So it's not as if I'll be spending my days feeling like I'm just a wart on the face of society, doing nothing beautiful. Because every day I will be doing something beautiful, something that makes people feel happy. Okay, well maybe not every day, because it's only part time for now - but at least three days a week but maybe more as the holidays come. And if people call out I'll take their shifts. Anyhow, things are looking up. There is light at the end of the tunnel on my way out of my mother's house.<br /><br />I can't write anymore because I drank too much wine and now I want to have some of the pie I made. And I have to put away the overly dry mac and cheese I made from scratch. All of which my mother ate even though the last several days she's been deliberately leaving me out of meals. I finally cooked myself something cuz I was starving - I thought she was out so I could eat in peace. But of course she came home mid-prep - awful. But I just kept doing my thing, and I'm glad I did. Pooh pooh to them all.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-1538589405462691232010-09-23T11:28:00.000-07:002010-09-23T11:39:48.429-07:00I finally got a job. So it's only at Dunkin' Donuts, but so what. It's better than nothing and they're the only place that's called me back at all (well, the chocolate shop, but they only need part-time. And I need full-time so I can get out of here) so I'm taking it. And the guy who interviewed me was the son of the family who owns, like, all the DD's in the area and he was very nice. So that's a really good sign. I've learned that it's important to like your boss, and I think as far as bosses go he's alright. He seemed easy going but on top of things. And it's a brand new store so it's wicked clean. And it's not really a very busy location. I live in kind of the middle of nowhere so it probably won't be the worse job I've ever had. The owner said he would try to work around me taking classes, within reason. That's important.<br />I'm a little worried about coming off the methadone while I'm working. But I'm going to do what I can to get on some sort of anxiety medication which should help me get through work. And maybe I'll even get some sleep. The thing about a job like this is that I can't smoke on the job. Once I'm making some money I'll be paying for me own methadone and maybe I'll have enough eventually to go to the doctor who gives my mom and my sister their meds. I just want some ativan or something.<br />Anyhow, for some reason I don't really feel well. I think I'm dizzy from the release of stress from knowing I have a job finally. I'm gonna chill while I still can. I already went to the clinic this morning, than the beach for almost two hours. I go swimming almost every day even though it's super cold. I wish I had known how close the beach was all summer.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5266670669659028301.post-28461009175708982192010-09-22T08:46:00.000-07:002010-09-22T08:49:19.748-07:00Things are lookin' up. I've got two job interviews lined up, one tomorrow and another on Friday. So that is, like, a humongo load off my shoulders. I'm pretty confident that I'll be offered a place at at least one of them. So since I've been so stressed lately I think I'm going to be a little indulgent today and go to the beach by myself. No dogs, no nothing but me, my reading, and the sun and waves.<br /><br />Later.NHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466126254034203883noreply@blogger.com3