Despair and Dissolution

I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.

Everyone can say "I told you so". Haters alert, this one is rich for criticism. My life as an addict has turned into the typical disaster. I'll be spending a year in jail up in NH. I'm just waiting on the prosecutor to finalize her plea offer. But I know that no matter what I am doing at least a year. On the positive side, my sentence includes a  mandatory in house drug  program. I'm actually looking forward to that in hopes that it will help me find an end to this madness. In fact, I wish she would just finalize her plea so I can accept it and just go. The sooner I begin my sentence, the sooner I'm out and able to pursue life.
I've always been able to manage my addiction and appear functional to those I meet in passing. But when my boyfriend went to jail last November to do a five month suspended sentence, I lost all sense of reality. I missed him so much and didn't realize how much I relied on him until he was gone. My world just melted into a swirl of heroin and benzos. I didn't want to feel the days going by. I just wanted him back and I didn't want to remember all the pain I felt every day in his absence. He was the only person in my life who fully understood me. He knew all my faults and loved me despite them. He made me feel special and beautiful, loved beyond words. If you don't do drugs it is impossible for you to understand the bond that grows between two people who suffer together, survive together, and float together in blissful harmony. We know the best and the worst that other person can be. We were as close to being one as two people can get.
And then he died. He died of an overdose on May 25th, 2014. He died in the back of a pickup truck, in a parking lot in Roxbury. I wasn't there to save him this time. I've saved him so many times before. Driven his convulsing body to the emergency room door, called 911 to come to our hotel or apartment to administer narcan and cpr, I've administered narcan myself on several occasions. But this time I wasn't there. I was in jail. I was in jail for doing stupid shit because I missed him. And now I'm going to miss him forever. I will never forgive myself for not being there for him when he needed me.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare right now. My love is gone and I just can't accept it as true. I envision him around every corner. I wait for his phone call that will never come. I search all the places we have been, looking for that piece of myself that is missing.

I may seem okay, but it's just a mask to help me through the days.

 Empty subway stations that only remind me that I am alone. Places we used to go together and these places used to mean fun times. Nowadays, places like this only serve to remind me of the struggle ahead.

 People actually sleep in this mess. I have better places to sleep and a man by my side, a man I love and trust. But a new man doesn't make me forget about the man who protected me for years. This new man doesn't want me to live this life. But will he really be there a year from now, when I walk out those doors - free from my cage - will he be there like he says he will? Life has left me unsure. Can good things really last?

 This is me. This is how I spend my days. I tramp around and try to make money for some pills to make me forget about my sadness. I try to forget about the love I lost and show my new man the love he deserves.

 Here I am, on something, trying to forget my life. In a moment like this it's just me and my new man. I want to just feel happy and safe and loved. I want these moments to last forever. I want reality to cease existence so I can pretend I haven't lost my love, so I can pretend I'm not going to jail.

 

 Here are some of the places I sleep. I think they are beautiful. I love to wake up without a care in the world. Someone strong and capable next to me, someone who just wants to love me for who I am.Isn't that what we all want? Don't we all spend our lives seeking that one person who makes us feel whole? Nobody wants to go through life alone. We want to share our joys and sorrows with someone who understands. I am changing my life so that I can share more beauty. I want the beauty without the sorrow.

She's Climbed out of her Hole and she's Hungry

I'm sick of not writing for fear of attack. I refuse to let anonymous haters keep me from expressing myself. I have a lot to say and much to contribute to this world. So get ready, here it comes.

Alive and Well

I am Not dead. Thank you so much to the people who showed such concern for me. I am so very sorry that I caused you to worry by being absent for a while. My absence opened the door for a very troubled person to take advantage of the situation and manipulate your emotions. I feel partially responsible for allowing this to happen. Please forgive me for not being considerate of the fact that people may have been worried about me. I will try to have more foresight in the future and let people know if I am going to be gone for a while. Let yourselves relax because fortunately this time an addict did not die. I really appreciate the powerful things people had to say and the way you all defended me. Thank you all so much.



               WTF? I know its been a while but I am so horrified by what I found upon my return. I read it quickly and probably haven't processed it fully yet but I need to quickly say that I am so sorry that all the people who read this blog were upset by some insane person telling you all I was dead. I AM NOT DEAD!!! I was never in jail, I never OD'd......I'm actually doing really well and have just been extremely busy. I did not have access to a computer for a while but Jason and I recently bought our own laptop That's, like, a huge accomplishment for us. We honestly purchased it, fair and square. Even though it was out of the locked case and on a table because it was a special sale. It was just begging to be stolen. But we have never stolen anything that we didn't really need. We have never stolen for the pure thrill,for the rush you get as soon as you know you got away with it. We only stole from large corporations, never family, friends, or average citizens. I can somehow justify stealing from a place like Walmart. I will gladly explain my reasoning behind that decision at another time when it will not detract from the main point at hand or confuse the reader. But in this case we had the money from both of us working, and we were not about to be sick from withdrawals if we didn't get money for dope, and we were not starving because we had no money for food. So we just simply bought it. Brand new, all ours.
             As a matter of fact, anonymous, you can straight suck it because I am doing better than I have done in a very, very long time. I think you, anonymous, are the coward who preys on others, takes pleasure in the pain of your fellow man, and you clearly have a blackness in your soul to concoct such a devilish scheme. I feel sorry for you that you spend your days imagining ways to hurt others because you can't understand them. There is too much hate, misunderstanding, small-mindedness, jealousy, etc in this world, please don't bring it to this space. It is all those human characteristics which cause so much pain that drove me to find solace within myself through the use of drugs. If I can just get high enough that I withdraw completely inside myself, then I don't have to think about why people are so mean and hateful, why the world is so violent and unfair. Heroin has always effectively caused a cushion, a shield between me and the world. I have never found a better, quicker, stronger way to deal with my pain. That is why it is so difficult for me to give it up entirely. There are so many people out there who are like this "Anonymous". I don't know how to fight them, how to make them see that they are just as wrong as they believe us addicts to be. So even though things are good these days, I'm working, I have a safe place to live, I have a car, a great boyfriend, my family, I still use every now and then because I just can't let it go entirely.
                  Part of why I didn't make a huge effort to write was that I was worried about who could come across this blog. Employers? Probation officers? So I believe I have made sure my last name is not on here, nor my location. People like anonymous would probably rat me out in a heartbeat. But it would be nice to utilize this outlet again. I rely on Jay to listen to all my venting and that's just not fair. Maybe returning to my blog would give him a break. Normally I would be asleep by now but I am geeked out of my mind. I know I shouldn't have a drug test coming up any time soon and I have the weekend off. So we treated ourselves. It's a nice release but I wish we were somewhere other than my mother's basement. Everyone else in the house is asleep of course. But we have to be so quiet and aware of anyone moving about. My siblings are all addicts (in recovery for the most part) and they will tattle away if I don't share. And my mother would simply lose her shit. We do have a decent amount of space downstairs here. We have our tv, computer, books, a nice bed and lots of other stuff to occupy us. I would just rather be in the city with a hotel room, a show to see, and a bunch of money.....but wouldn't we all like to be there? This will do.
                We took a long drive today, back to the old stomping grounds, so we could be certain we were getting shit that was worth our time and money. There's not much that sucks worse than waiting months to finally get wrecked and then you spend money you actually earned the slow, hard way just to get bunk shit. There's no point in dealing with someone I don't know at this point in my addiction. It's not like I'll get sick if I don't get shit. I have a stockpile of suboxone so I don't need to worry. I get high for pure enjoyment so it best be enjoyable. I do know, however, that it can go bad fast. Enjoyment turns to necessity like night turns to day. That's a big reason I live so far from anywhere I know anyone. Plus the threat of jail in the event of a failed drug test keeps things in perspective.
                 I just want to say thank you again to the people who still follow this blog. I'm so sorry I didn't realize what had gone on here sooner. It's so terrible that people had to feel upset for no good reason. I'll try to check in more often.