I tried something different with my dogs this morning. Instead of taking all of them on the morning walk, I only took two. I figured that way, if we ran into anyone on the trail, I could focus my attention more and hopefully they would get more out of the interaction. And even though we didn't end up running into anyone I feel like they benefited from the more individualized attention. We were able to walk farther because I wasn't as worried about them flipping out so they got more exercise. And I'm going to take the other two out with me for a walk this evening after dinner. My plan is to rotate which two I take every morning. And it's not like the others are abused and sitting in the basement all day. We have a backyard that's big enough for them to run around in the grass and then they get to spend the rest of the day chilling on the screened-in porch. Of course I also let them out throughout the day to go to the bathroom.
It will be harder if I ever get a job because I'll have less time. But that's partially why I want to work a second or third shift. That way I have plenty of time to get to the clinic, take the dogs out for a walk, take a shower, eat, smoke, and then still get to work with time to spare. I'm a much better employee if I can do my morning routine everyday. Because even in the winter I can take the dogs to the beach to walk because there is no snow right next to the water because of all the salt. So it's the only place they can walk because they are too short to walk in snow, they would be buried over their heads after most storms.
So anyhow, I'm going to try to make the afternoon/evening walk take us past some people. I think it's the only way I'm ever going to be able to have them pass by people without flipping. I just have to get them to see that it's okay. So if I take just two I can control them so they know it's not okay. When I have all four, the worst of them, the leader I guess, she gets them all going and then it's as if I'm not even there. They don't register me, they can see or hear me until they calm down. I think if I only have two I can keep it from getting to that point. And I'll probably have to work with the "leader" on her own so she stops starting it.
Oh my, I've had too much coffee and no food yet today and it's after noon. I have to eat and get my resumes printed so I can drop them off TODAY! Come on Nellie, get my shit together. I have to make myself do this because I get so depressed even though I despise depression in people. I try to hide it but it's there. If I push through it, which I can do more now than ever before, it does go away before coming back. Today is better than yesterday because I got a chance to do some yoga this morning which always helps get me moving and excited about things. Then I like a chance to write here, to all the random people out there. It's very healing to be able just vent. So today I have list I need to do and that's good.
And my sister is coming to dinner and maybe she'll and up spending the night. So I have to get going. I always try to fit too much in and then we don't eat until nine at night.

Hazy Tuesday

Today I am happy. Not every day is like that, so I think I should really try to savor it. The dreaded brothers are at work, so there is no bitching, no messes, no pee on the toilet seat, or ashes in the sink. At least for a few more blessed hours, I hope. I hope the rain holds off so I can have a few more peaceful, quiet, happy hours. Even my Mom is still away at the moment, and Mikey is off at his buddy's house. I know I would probably get lonely, very lonely if I were to be all alone like this all the time. But I am really and truly all alone so infrequently that when I do have a solitary moment I cherish it.

Took the dogs for a good walk up at Wagon Hill Farm on Route 4, on the way to the University of New Hampshire. It's a gorgeous area, right on the bay, with a mix of woods and fields rolling down to meet the marsh. There is generally a breeze coming off the water, cutting the humidity which is common this time of year. Right this minute is no exception. The best part of the location, for me, is that it is not clearly marked and therefore not ever too populated. My dogs are still terrors; they are getting better, just very slowly. I try to avoid people, which only serves to draw out the problem. But it makes me so tense when they are all barking and snarling and jumping at passers by. I keep them on harnesses that strap around their neck and chest so I have total control over them going anywhere. But still, they jump in the air and spin in circles, howling and shrieking almost, I swear. Today, though, they didn't bark at the man in the tollbooth which is a MAJOR accomplishment for us. Generally I have to practically throw the money at them and take off. But today I stopped long enough for him to remark about the dogs and even give me treats for them. It was amazing. I'm trying to be a better pack leader, but I'm not a dog so I think I give mixed messages sometimes. But it's getting better.

Today I went in a different direction than I normally take. And it was awesome. I found a small, hidden beach with oak trees hanging over mini bluffs. At high tide you could sit in the branches which dip low over the water and feel the waves with your feet. I suppose you could even swim there. A beach on the other side of the trails is designated for swimming, but I generally prefer to be alone. And it's not often you can find a beach in the summer where dogs can run around. It was kind of magical. The property which is public runs alongside a private home and grounds. I can't imagine, well, sure I can, living in a place like that. In fact, I think I would be quite good at being very wealthy. I would really appreciate it. The whole public trail system, the whole farm I walk at, they have the equivalent all to themselves. And I have never seen a soul on any of those magnificent properties which rim the bay.

I had a friend, growing up, who lived in a mansion in Manchester-by-the-Sea. That's the actual name of the town. It's a pretty well off community on the North Shore, south of Gloucester. A lot of people I went to boarding school with were very rich, so I had a momentary glimpse into that lifestyle as a teenager. I think the distaste I eventually developed for them tainted my understanding of money in general for a very long time. It was like I rejected everything to do with having money because I thought everyone who was rich was a bad person. I know that that is not necessarily true, now. Often, maybe, but not always. Anyway, my point was to be that looking at the Manchester bay from the inside of the mansion is not very different from looking at the Portsmouth bay from the woods. Either way, for me, it is quiet and peaceful and I don't own any of it.

Anyhow, I have to get a move on. My mom is coming home in the morning and she will be much easier to get along with if I get a few more of her list items accomplished. I got some things done but it's hard when my brothers are around all weekend. And Sam had his friends all hanging around too. So I'm going to bust ass today before it starts raining. It is in my own favor to do so. Hope everyone out there has a safe and happy day. Peace.