Is That What Death is Like?

Over the past few days that I've been sick I've had this really weird feeling of being disconnected to my body. I was shaky and tingling as if the seam of my insides were no longer tightly stitched to my outsides. Like I was about to jump out of my skin and float away. And as I've begun to feel better I've started to feel like I'm being sewn back together. I'm more grounded and connected to the earth. And I started to wonder, this morning as I was driving back from the first walk I've had in days, is that what death is like? Is it a slow moving away from your body? Until you are completely separate. Your mind and soul are relatively intact, but they leave your body? Of course I was far from death, but I wonder if it can happen so fast that we hardly notice when we die. It's an interesting thought anyhow.

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with me responses and stopping by to support the folks who always support me. I have no good excuse except that I've been really sick. Until this afternoon I've pretty much been stuck in bed. It was such a weird sickness too. It felt like I was going through withdrawals, except how could I be since I've been on the same dose at the clinic for over a year. They did say that added stress can sometimes make your body freak out, and I have been under extra stress lately, but really? Could stress make me feel that sick? I guess it could. But I just want to send my love and support out to everyone who is always there for me.

THANK YOU!!!

blah, blah, blah

I don't even know what to write. It's been so long since I've posted anything. I feel so out of sorts, so disconnected to anything, so lost. I have nothing lately that is my own, nothing to make me feel like it even matters if I am here or not. I don't have a job, school, a purpose for waking up. And despite knowing what I want my purpose to be, despite always knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I just can't seem to figure out how to go about getting there. I feel so STUCK. It's such an awfully familiar feeling. Why can't I ever seem to get unstuck? I want a job but I have no skills worth anything to anyone. There is so much competition for the crappiest jobs. I just called a woman about a job I saw in the paper and the phone call went to badly I cried when I hung up. This was the conversation:

I call because the ad says to call the number and then the given extension. I figured I could just drop off my resume but it's kind of far and I don't technically have a driver's license (a fact everyone in my family loves to overlook. And they seem to not think it necessary to live up to the deal we made that they would help me when I needed it to get my license back. Suddenly they never have the time, money, whatever it may be when I need it. My brother the junkie or my sister the junkie, they need something, no problem. I need it and it's just so easy to say NO to me, I guess. At least that's what they actually say to me.) Anyway, this place is located just across the border in Maine, so I thought I may as well confirm that the position is still open. Before I drive all the way to Maine for no reason.

Woman: (In a gravelly, bored, and put-out tone) "This is Mary."

Me: "Hi, Mary. My name is Helen Hager and I'm calling to inquire about the ad I saw in the Exeter News about the front desk position. I'm just wondering if it's still available?" (This, obviously, is the one line I had rehearsed previous to making the call.)

Mary: "Well, have you already filled out an application?"

Me: "Uh, No, I just saw the ad in the paper today and it said to call this extension. So I just thought I would call ahead to find out first if the position was still available and if it was, is there anything particular I should know before coming in to fill out an application."

Mary: "Well, I think we're pretty much finished with looking. If anything comes up we'll call you. What's the name and number?'

Me: My name is Helen Hager, H-A-G-E-R. And my phone number is (blah, blah, blah...obviously can't put my phone number up here, right?) But maybe I could just drop by and leave my resume with you just in case something comes up and then you would have some more information about me?" (I said this because, maybe you noticed, she did NOT say the position had been filled. I got the distinct impression from her tone and frequent pauses that it had not been filled. I think she must have received a ton of applications, or maybe she just didn't want to be the contact person, I don't know. Writing the conversation so far, it seems like I'm just being crazy, because the actual words weren't mean, just her tone was so nasty.)

Mary: (first I hear a very audible "Tsk", like when you put the tip of your tongue to your top front teeth and make that tsk, tsk short sucking sound when you're exasperated or disgusted. well, that's what she did. Tsk. Sigh.) "No, I said we would call you if anything comes up."

Me: (Attempting, probably unsuccessfully to mask my shock. I mean, why can't I drop off my resume, even if the position had been filled? Maybe whoever they hire won't work out, maybe I'd be super qualified, what's the harm?) "Uh, Okay. Well, Thank You."

Then I hung up. And my mother had been watching the entire exchange so she was like, "What was that? What happened?" And I was just like, "I don't really know. She just didn't seem interested. I swear, mom, it was as if she knew who I was and she hated me." Now, logically, I know that's totally crazy. There is no way she could know me. But her voice, her emotion was so mean and abrupt. I felt like my phone call had ruined her day, put her out so totally. I should have just made the drive and dropped off my resume. Why did I have to call first? I thought for a minute, maybe I should still just go and fill out an application. They put the name of the motel in the ad. I mean, it's a fricken front desk position. It specifically said 'no experience necessary', they only pay $9/hour. WTF? Why can't I get a job at a fricken lame ass motel or gas station? What is wrong with me? Does something weird come across in my voice? The way I speak? My vocabulary? Do I look scary? WHAT is IT????

So here I am, in my half finished basement, furniture stacked here and there, no desk available to fill out applications properly (because shit is stacked on top of it) trying to fill out another application for another stupid gas station. Maybe this one will hire me to ring up cigarettes for rude people. I need to finish painting and putting my furniture back in place so I can feel more organized and easily print out resumes. I'm probably the only person in NH who brings a resume to a gas station job. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I come off as pretentious. So this time I'm only filling out their form application that they printed out from some program. Whatever. Maybe it'll help. I just need a job. One that I can do while I continue school so that one day I can actually have a job I don't loathe.

So, later, i guess. I need to go shower and put on make-up, do my hair, and find a nice outfit so that I can be rejected again by another place I'm totally qualified to work at.