Have You Heard of Ibogaine Therapy?

This morning I learned something new in the realm of opiate addiction treatment. It's actually quite interesting and I think anyone who has an issue with opiate dependence may find it intriguing as well. And I must give credit to my younger brother, Sam, who made me aware of this controversial and fascinating therapy. Some of you may have heard of it before, or like myself, know you should have but didn't pay enough attention. If you've read any Hunter S. Thompson you have read about it and just let it slip through your mind like so many other things. Anyone who reads my blog somewhat regularly may know that I've been struggling with, first a heroin addiction, and now a methadone addiction for many years. I have been on methadone for seven years and was a successful H addict for about five years prior to that. I desperately wish to be free of the burden of dependence. I don't want to medicate myself everyday with something that has so much power over me.
But despite my many efforts at complete detox I have never yet been able to entirely overcome my addiction. I have come pretty far though. I am now on only 33mg of methadone a day and I come down 1mg a week. I am more or less only on it now because it helps to treat my extreme anxiety. But I would much rather find other methods of lowering my anxiety which do not require me to be tied to a clinic, unable to live a normal life. I will continue to smoke marijuana daily because that does not affect my life negatively in the way that my methadone dependency does. And it also does a great deal to limit my level of anxiety in day to day activities. Something as simple as going grocery shopping can produce nausea, sweating, my cheeks will burn and my throat flutters. I race through the store, often forgetting items I need and I limit my interaction with people as much as possible. I'm not like that when I'm high. But there has to be another way to make life less anxiety inducing.
Since I am always interested to find a promising possibility when it comes to recovery, I was thrilled when my brother mentioned this newish therapy. It is called Ibogaine Treatment and it's a little freaky but I think it could be right for someone like myself who has been trying for so long to be clean. It's basically intense therapy but the talk therapy is assisted by the use of a "naturally occurring psychoactive substance found", actually, "in a number of plants" but especially those in the Tabernathe iboga species. Apparently, ingestion of the active chemicals in this plant produce minor hallucinations and deep introspection causing patients to understand the root causes of their addiction. But it's not only that, it gets even crazier. It is claimed by doctors and patients alike that after a short period of time ingesting this drug, patients notice that the withdrawal symptoms of their opiate dependency are no longer discernible to them. Something about the chemical structure of this plant is able to heal the broken pathways of our brains and reset the way we create dopamine and other "feel-good" type chemicals that we need to lead healthy, happy lives. People who have experienced this treatment say they feel the way they did before they became addicted, they don't get cravings and their depression has been alleviated. It seems almost too good to be true.
But there are clinics being operated in many countries around the world. Of course, the United States is not one of them because we like to keep beneficial medical treatments out of the hands of the public if we think it may, in any way, interfere with the ability to make mucho money off the black market drug trade and the subsequent influx of cash into law enforcement and politics. The US is also notorious for fearing anything which opens the mind to internal exploration and introspection. Because then, of course, people begin to question what the hell is going on in the world and that's just a fricken nuisance for those trying to make a living off of the raping of our natural resources and the destruction of our souls.
So I guess my point is that I think this therapy is worth researching further. I am guessing, especially because I have not been able to find any info on cost, that it is somewhat prohibitive. I have wanted for years to go away to a recovery retreat and not come home until I have healed myself. But that's damned expensive. Once a person takes their very last mg. of methadone it can still take up to several more months before they can sleep through the night, eat without feeling sick; before the constant aching in their bones begins to subside, before the body temp regulates itself and there is not a constant feeling of dread hanging over them. But traditional detox programs don't keep patients more than two weeks because insurance doesn't cover it. So the way it stands now is that rich people get way more of a chance to get clean than poor people. But I've been thinking of taking advantage of living with my mother and trying to save up enough to send myself to a really nice private clinic so I can really focus on fully detoxing from the methadone and then doing some really intense therapy so I can get on with my life. I think it could be really amazing for me. So I can get down really low as I'm saving up and then go when I would really need the most help.
So I've included some links to information about this Ibogaine treatment. I have read a lot of it but not all of it. I plan to do quite a lot more research on this method of recovery. I think it could help to allow me to do what I really want in my life. I want to heal myself so that I can help others who suffer from the same afflictions heal themselves. And I think people are more effective as healers if they are accepting of themselves.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ibogaine

http://www.ibogaine.desk.nl/

Nosey People

It's finally warming up enough that I can start to come down on the M-done again. When I get this low and drop my dose I feel cold all the time. Being cold means being achy and sore and unable to move properly. With the summer coming I can try again. I'm so close, only at 30 mg right now. That seems like nothing but let me tell you it sure seems like a whole shit load once it's gone.
I love it so much when counselors tell you that withdrawal symptoms are mostly psychological in nature. "Oh", they say, "I'm not discounting that there are some physical symptoms, but a lot of it is in your head." Times like those I wish I could immediately curse them with instant withdrawal symptoms and let them tell me then that it's all in the head. If you want to be technical, everything is in our heads. Every feeling, emotion, sensation - it all starts in the head. We're not imagining a sudden lack of endorphins, there really IS a sudden lack of endorphins and that fucking hurts any way you slice it.
So our clinic is located in this middle class, rural neighborhood in a split level, converted barn. It looks more like a house now which has been converted to office space. The building is spacious, cold, and impersonal like most clinics. Because it's in a rural area, you need a car to get there which helps cut down on some of the bullshit and the lingering that happens at most urban clinics. But you're always going to have the odd, loitering, hanger-on as is the nature of clinics. It can't be avoided.
Mike and I do our best to get there early every day because the earlier you get to a clinic, the better. Well, at most places there is a busy half hour to an hour directly after they open for all the folks who work early-morning jobs like farming, painting, construction. Some places have a half hour reserved only for people who can provide proof of employment so they can dose and leave. We did that when we first started M-done, but it got mad old because there is inevitably a problem causing you to be late for work. And unless you are super open and tell your boss you're on M-done, you end up having to make all these excuses which make no sense because, of course, they're not true. It didn't take long to figure that the best way for us would be to simply work nights and then we wouldn't have to stress about whatever the clinic threw at us. Hold my dose, whatever, I got all day. Anyway, the percentage of people who work full-time jobs is absurdly low at most clinics. That being the case, after the short a.m. rush, it's pretty quiet until about an hour before they close. Fifteen minutes before closing is mayhem.
But sometimes, no matter how early you get there, no matter how much you do to mind your own business, someone just has to fuck with you. And so be it. So I get there the other day and there is this girl and her husband and baby there and I really don't like this girl because she is one of those nosy type people who insist on talking to you even when you go out of your way to be as inaccessible as possible. A while back I was standing in a corner waiting for my turn on a particularly busy and crowded day and she literally snatched, snatched I tell you, my book right out of my hands. It was an Anne Rice vamp book, and she was all, "Oh, I read this ages ago, in like high school, oh my God!" So of course I was like, roll my eyes, "Hmph, yeah, great." And we really never hit it off since. There are other little, nit-picky things I could harp on about why else I don't like her - but really, what would be the point?
So she was there this day and her husband (by the way, it's like faggy Jack Sprat and his tubby wife go to Old Navy with their baby) and he was just coming down from the dosing landing and she was downstairs by the door with her baby, talking to the director as if she had already dosed. And there was some other random 'regular' who was between husband guy and us. So we do as usual, keep our eyes cast down, don't speak to anyone, sign in and go up to waiting area. The girl ahead of us is sitting there waiting for husband to get out of the way which took a while, then she doses while we quietly wait in line behind her and as she finishes she starts to holler, "Oh, wait, isn't what's her name next? Where is she, blah-blah get up here!" And I'm like, "Un-uh, no way, we're next. You snooze, you lose. She ain't here, she ain't next, so's the name of the game." And of course, she didn't like that and huffed past me to fume to her dumb friend. Who by the way, was all "Let her go." As if it weren't my turn and I was gonna go whether she condoned it or not. Mike and I show up there together every fucking day, and if I stop and have to talk to my counselor or something and someone shows up in between us and signs in and goes upstairs before I do, I have to wait for them to go. It's fucking happened, like three times, and whatever, my bad, I sucked it up. Their turn. Not to mention, they are no job, trusty trust funders who have no place to be while I've been at work all night and want to go to sleep. So we both dose, me first.
As I go to leave, I have to walk past this lady, still fuming. And still sitting up in the waiting area which is not cool - leave already, get a life, it's not Panera. So she can't resist and looks at me and says, "You're a miserable bitch." Which automatically elicits a "Yeah, and you're a fat cunt." Okay, I know two wrongs don't make a right, but fuck that. I know I have very little restraint and it's childish to say that she started it, but she did. If you can't take the heat, don't go in the kitchen. And for once in my life, I didn't get blamed for the whole thing. As some know, I've been kicked out of a clinic for fighting already. That time it was I sprayed some ass w/mace for stealing my wallet out of my car when I gave them a ride and smoked em' up.
So the moral of my story: If you go to a clinic, mind your own business and don't pick fights because you never know who will just lose it and spray you with mace.

Think Things Through....

Anyone considering methadone as a means to quit dope should try to do a little research first so they know a bit about what they are signing up for. I know it's difficult, because by the time a person seeks treatment, life is pretty bad. At least some parts are bad enough to make the rest seem like it may not be worth it; and to be honest, most of us would have to admit that lack of funds is the usual road block keeping us from using forever. The point I'm trying to make is that I feel like I jumped right into treatment without asking a lot of questions because all I cared about is that I knew I would feel better. I just didn't want to be dope sick anymore; and by this time it was a rather regular feeling as I was unable to afford the amount of dope I needed to stay high. The filthy rich can blow through fortunes on dope so it should be no suprise that even though my boyfriend and myself were working full time and hustling and selling glass art that he made, we still couldn't swing it. I truly believe that I will never say that I regret the decision I made to begin methadone treatment; I simply wish I had been mentally able to enter into a better informed situation.
Knowing all that I know now about clinics (whether they be Metro's, CSAC's, Habit Opco's, or corporations under other names), I still believe that methadone is a gift to the field of recovery and to all of those whose lives have been changed by it. I think patients could benefit from treatment in numerous ways if clinics were to operate as non-profits. It would be great if patients could pay less for smaller doses; as it is set up now, the cost is the same for 10 mg as 300mg. The way things stand as of now, there is hardly any aftercare to speak of and depending upon the individual clinic patients may be required two hours of counseling or more a month and others may be offered no counseling at all. Evidently there are many changes that could be made to improve the current situation. For any changes to take place, however, caretakers and professionals in the field need to collaborate with patients to come up with procedures that accomodate both parties equally.
A major reccuring gripe I hear from patients is that they feel like they are treated as criminals rather than medical patients, the majority of whom are in treatment voluntarily. Obviously, the women and men who choose to work at a methadone clinic must have a certain level of compassion and understanding towards the patients being accomodated at these clinics. The doctors, nurses, and administrators could all probably make more money someplace else and deal with a lot less grief on a daily basis as well, but they choose to use their skills to help addicts find recovery. For that I have respect for these people. But just because some people feel for us addicts does not mean they understand us or, more importantly, trust us. I can't count how many times I have been treated like I was a liar and a thief because I was a recovering addict, I have been told countless times as I'm sure we all have that "the way to tell and addict is lying is to see their lips move." I resent such assumptions because there are many, many well funtioning addicts in the world, myself being one of them. A few bad apples should not make the whole bushel worthless, right? I know plenty of women and men who worked and raised their families and even attended school throughout the time they were using. All addicts are not morally inept individuals, in fact there is research that shows addicts to be, on the whole, trustworthy, compasionate and highly intelligent individuals who are suffering from a disease even they cannot define or understand.
All this being said, it should be clear that I am ready to move on from this stage in my life.

TO BE CONTINUED.......