Have You Heard of Ibogaine Therapy?

This morning I learned something new in the realm of opiate addiction treatment. It's actually quite interesting and I think anyone who has an issue with opiate dependence may find it intriguing as well. And I must give credit to my younger brother, Sam, who made me aware of this controversial and fascinating therapy. Some of you may have heard of it before, or like myself, know you should have but didn't pay enough attention. If you've read any Hunter S. Thompson you have read about it and just let it slip through your mind like so many other things. Anyone who reads my blog somewhat regularly may know that I've been struggling with, first a heroin addiction, and now a methadone addiction for many years. I have been on methadone for seven years and was a successful H addict for about five years prior to that. I desperately wish to be free of the burden of dependence. I don't want to medicate myself everyday with something that has so much power over me.
But despite my many efforts at complete detox I have never yet been able to entirely overcome my addiction. I have come pretty far though. I am now on only 33mg of methadone a day and I come down 1mg a week. I am more or less only on it now because it helps to treat my extreme anxiety. But I would much rather find other methods of lowering my anxiety which do not require me to be tied to a clinic, unable to live a normal life. I will continue to smoke marijuana daily because that does not affect my life negatively in the way that my methadone dependency does. And it also does a great deal to limit my level of anxiety in day to day activities. Something as simple as going grocery shopping can produce nausea, sweating, my cheeks will burn and my throat flutters. I race through the store, often forgetting items I need and I limit my interaction with people as much as possible. I'm not like that when I'm high. But there has to be another way to make life less anxiety inducing.
Since I am always interested to find a promising possibility when it comes to recovery, I was thrilled when my brother mentioned this newish therapy. It is called Ibogaine Treatment and it's a little freaky but I think it could be right for someone like myself who has been trying for so long to be clean. It's basically intense therapy but the talk therapy is assisted by the use of a "naturally occurring psychoactive substance found", actually, "in a number of plants" but especially those in the Tabernathe iboga species. Apparently, ingestion of the active chemicals in this plant produce minor hallucinations and deep introspection causing patients to understand the root causes of their addiction. But it's not only that, it gets even crazier. It is claimed by doctors and patients alike that after a short period of time ingesting this drug, patients notice that the withdrawal symptoms of their opiate dependency are no longer discernible to them. Something about the chemical structure of this plant is able to heal the broken pathways of our brains and reset the way we create dopamine and other "feel-good" type chemicals that we need to lead healthy, happy lives. People who have experienced this treatment say they feel the way they did before they became addicted, they don't get cravings and their depression has been alleviated. It seems almost too good to be true.
But there are clinics being operated in many countries around the world. Of course, the United States is not one of them because we like to keep beneficial medical treatments out of the hands of the public if we think it may, in any way, interfere with the ability to make mucho money off the black market drug trade and the subsequent influx of cash into law enforcement and politics. The US is also notorious for fearing anything which opens the mind to internal exploration and introspection. Because then, of course, people begin to question what the hell is going on in the world and that's just a fricken nuisance for those trying to make a living off of the raping of our natural resources and the destruction of our souls.
So I guess my point is that I think this therapy is worth researching further. I am guessing, especially because I have not been able to find any info on cost, that it is somewhat prohibitive. I have wanted for years to go away to a recovery retreat and not come home until I have healed myself. But that's damned expensive. Once a person takes their very last mg. of methadone it can still take up to several more months before they can sleep through the night, eat without feeling sick; before the constant aching in their bones begins to subside, before the body temp regulates itself and there is not a constant feeling of dread hanging over them. But traditional detox programs don't keep patients more than two weeks because insurance doesn't cover it. So the way it stands now is that rich people get way more of a chance to get clean than poor people. But I've been thinking of taking advantage of living with my mother and trying to save up enough to send myself to a really nice private clinic so I can really focus on fully detoxing from the methadone and then doing some really intense therapy so I can get on with my life. I think it could be really amazing for me. So I can get down really low as I'm saving up and then go when I would really need the most help.
So I've included some links to information about this Ibogaine treatment. I have read a lot of it but not all of it. I plan to do quite a lot more research on this method of recovery. I think it could help to allow me to do what I really want in my life. I want to heal myself so that I can help others who suffer from the same afflictions heal themselves. And I think people are more effective as healers if they are accepting of themselves.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ibogaine

http://www.ibogaine.desk.nl/

Addiction, Recovery, and Smoking in the Truck Yard

There's guys here who's job it is to drive around in a bobtail (the front part of a tractor-trailer) and pull trailers away from doors so drivers can pick them up, and they move trailers around the yard. There are generally two or three on a night. They are mostly back, forth and all around; but sometimes they find a little hidden nook and they park and sit there. Maybe they're napping, perhaps smoking the ganj, or jacking off, I don't know, don't really care. I just wish that tonight they would do what needs to be done up here and skeedadle on out of here. How's a girl supposed to get stoned around here with all these lurking employees?

I know that at least 90% of the people who work here get stoned. I mean I'm the "security" guard so I smell it wafting from guys' open car windows all night as they come and go. But I also know that there are plenty of people who will justify doing something themselves and then rat out someone else for doing the exact same thing. I admit that part of the draw is the amount of risk involved. For that short time, as long as it takes for me to rummage through my purse, find whatever I brought to smoke that night (sometimes a pipe and some bud, sometimes a blunt), and wait for the coast to clear before I sneak outside to stand in the shadow and smoke, I'm not thinking about time and the hours to go before I can leave this place to live the part of my life I wait all the rest of the time to live. For ten to twenty minutes, I am 100% in the moment.

I dropped another five mg last Wed. before my weekend, thinking that would give me a few days to adjust before coming back to work. Well it's taken a few days to register with my body and I just started to feel crappy last night. My eyes were constantly dripping and my nose was running. I rubbed my skin raw around my nostrils having to use the cheap, brown handpaper rolls to wipe my nose all night. I haven't bothered trying to wear eye makeup; I have to wipe the drip from my eye so often, it wouldn't last long at all. The only good thing about going down on the M-done is that I start to lose weight faster. I rarely have an appetite when lowering my dose and I begin to have more and more energy as I go down. I just hope I can get past the last five mg this time w/out using.

Part of my problem is that I am fed up paying fifteen dollars a day when my dose gets this low. By the end we're paying over three dollars a mg which is way more than the cost of any street drug I've ever bought, that's more than frickin' oxy's. It wouldn't be so annoying if the clinic we go to now wasn't so disorganized and unproductive. We are supposed to have a certain amount of counseling when on M-maintenence and although there are counselors employed there, they spend the majority of their time filling out paperwork, answering phones, and manning the reception room. There are no groups, like men and women groups or even the basic HIV or policy groups. I hardly even get piss tested and I've never had a treatment plan done in over a year at this clinic. If they actually had all the requisite services available I may not be so opposed to paying the fifteen no matter my mg dosage.

The best clinic I went to was my first one in Greenfield, Massachusetts. When we started there, southern Vermont didn't have its own clinic yet. Neither did, I beleive, Chesterfield, New Hampshire. Granted, Greenfield CSAC had been around for a while, so they had had time to work out kinks of the sort Keene Metro is dealing with today. But honestly, when you think about it, does it make sense to have to go to a special clinic to get methadone? If people can pick up a methadone prescription at the pharmacy for a pain diagnosis, why can't we pick one up as addicts, most pain patients are addicts anyway. Same with oxy's, vicoden, percocet, morphine - all over the pharmacist counter, but not methadone. I think this has to do partially with the fact that authorities in the fields of law enforcement, addiction treatment, and mental health have decided that addicts need to show how hard they are willing to work for sobriety. This method adheres to the belief that addicts are inherently weak, indulgent people who need to learn discipline and values. Perhaps one reason addiction is so rampant in our society is because the way we judge addicts and approach recovery is all wrong.

Boring post #27

I just finished 'America Anonymous' by Benoit Denizet - Lewis, another book about addiction. This one was a little different in that it wasn't just about drug addicts. It cycled through the stories of eight addicts - two sex addicts, a food addict, an alcoholic, a shoplifter, two drug addicts, and a gambler/drug addict who was also an addiction recovery counselor. It was interesting because I'd never really thought that much about anything other than drug addiction. Rather than labeling a million separate addictions, maybe we should simply categorize addiction as a disease itself and the compulsion could be for anything in the world from sugar to crack to clothes. Isn't that what addiction essentially is, a compulsion to do or behave in a certain way despite negative consequences? So in that sense a person could become addicted to anything which makes them feel better or numbs feelings for any length of time?
I mean these people seriously seemed to believe that they were powerless over food or sex, it caused havoc in their lives, it even led to physical ailments in the case of food especially. But where do we draw the line, when does something stop being a conscious decision and become an addiction which we are supposedly powerless over? Because the word powerless would imply that we have no control over our actions and many people find it difficult to accept that someone who shoplifts is not in control of their actions and is in fact addicted. Does that mean if a person gets caught shoplifting they should be offered rehab over traditional sentencing? Perhaps a combination of methods, such as a fine and mandated treatment, would work the best for almost all addictions?
Anyhow, I thought the book was worth reading, especially being an addict. I've always tended to be the type of addict who thought I was somehow different, even better than other addicts. Simply because I had been a pretty well functioning addict the whole time I used, not stealing money for drugs or prostituting myself, I have an unfortunate habit of scoffing at other addicts. That's is my big problem with meetings, I have a hard time relating. But when I can read about people's feelings and experiences and process them on my own I realize that we are all more similar than we would all probably like to admit. It's an easy read too, the language is casual even as the content can be challenging at times. Check it out.
It seemed like it may have been warming up for a few days there. Kids were wearing t-shirts even as the sun went down. And now we have a drizzle of freezing rain, not quite snow but not really rain either. I think that is the worst combination as far as driving goes. I may as well count on not getting out of work on time because the woman who comes in to work after me is always, without fail, always, always late when it snows. Often she calls out altogether, I suspect that happens on days her kids have school cancelled. I can't get upset at that because I would want the same understanding if I had kids. Only she waits until the last minute to call out and then I'm always stuck here for her until my boss sees fit to come to work. So I should just plan on being here until at least eight and then driving to the clinic in the icy rain/snow. It really wouldn't be such a big deal if it were just me and I didn't have to ask Mike to wait around until who knows when. Plus, our days are already so short, working 12 hour shifts sucks.
I've been feeling so lethargic lately. I'm so tired of feeling weighed down and gunky and I know it is related to being on methadone. Sure, it takes away a lot of the need for heroin but it creates other issues. If heroin didn't make us euphoric we might notice the damage it does a little faster, well, that's methadone - heroin with no euphoria. But it is so hard to get off. I'm on such a low dose compared to what I was on and still it feels like too much while also feeling like not enough.

Snowy and Lacking Adventure

For someone who was always so adamant about living on the edge for so many years it feels strange to think about my life as it is now. It feels like I'm running out of fuel, like this is it, which is ridiculous because I have quite a bit of life left in my future I would guess based on average life expectancy for American adults. I suppose funks are part of life, all people must have cycles, times when we feel either on top of our shit or the opposite. I'm the opposite of on top these days. I feel tired all the time, so I sleep and do nothing which seems to only make me more tired. I've noticed that during the best times of my life I was really busy, usually in school and working full time also. I work but it feels like all I do is work, eat, sleep, and clean up after my dogs.
My poor dogs, they are so tired of being cooped up inside. At least they have each other to play with. We took them all out for a walk on Saturday when we both had the day off. It's always a major event to go for a walk when there is snow on the ground still. We can't really go where other people take their dogs because we like to let them off their leashes once we get on a trail and honestly they are not extremely friendly. People with big dogs also don't realize that their dogs can hurt mine and also that my dogs are small but will still bite. I'm always stunned by how many people encourage their children to approach us and touch the dogs. Who in their right mind would tell a kid to go up to a pack of stray dogs, especially as the owners are ushering them the opposite direction, calling them away? A lot of people are guilty of just that around here. But if my dog nips at them it's my fault. Anyhow, our walk didn't last long because they kept sinking in the snow. We tried to get them to follow us in a line which worked for all but Junior the lone boy pup who is a little slow; he kept wandering off the footpath and getting lost up to his head in snow.
See, this blog is so boring. I wish all the Internet communication that is available today was around when I was younger. I kept journals of course, which in some ways I am glad about. Journals have a personal quality that even the coolest web sites and blogs lack. It's like the difference between reading a real newspaper versus an online version, there is just something lacking for me. But maybe I would have a more thorough history of my life if I had had a computer as light as a purse and a digital camera back then. But all I have is rolls upon rolls of undeveloped film.
When I was younger I was afraid of nothing. I would try almost anything and it didn't matter if I didn't have enough money or if my car maybe wouldn't make it, I would still try and I have a lot of good stories as a result of those times. And then there were the years where I would really do whatever it took but not because I had courage but I had drugs behind me making me courageous. The lack of excitement due to quitting H has always been one of the more difficult aspects of not using for me. There is not a lot of down time when heroin is your whole life. You are either busy trying to cop or you are content because you just copped and now you are high, or hopefully sleeping at least. Either way there is not a lot of time to think about all the mundane moments life contains. Now I have all the time in the world. Twelve hours at a time to simply sit and think if I want to.
So I read a lot of books so I can immerse myself in someone else's life. That annoys Mike so much, when I get really into a book and I read all my waking hours away. He talks to me until he is so pissed off because he has to keep repeating himself and then he gives up. I get hooked on anything that lets me forget about work and bills and mortality. If it is enough of a distraction, I'll ignore cleaning the kitty litter until the smell is sickening, I won't eat until I'm starving, won't do the dishes until I have none and then I'll buy paper plates. And when the book or the movie or drugs are gone it's like a family member or part of myself died and there is a short time of mourning and then hopefully a new distraction appears. School does that for me in many ways too. I feel at least I'm moving forward when I'm in school, at least then I can tell myself 'Better late than never'.
It's snowing hard right now. I'll firmly stick to my belief that we get more snow in March than any other month in Vermont these days. For the past ten years or so I've been living here, the winter appears to be creeping up on spring leaving us with a soggy spring and a weak, cloudy summer. Anyway, I'm at work now and it has been a quick night as opposed to the nights that drag on as if they will never end. I only blog at work because I don't have Internet access at home and I'm too lazy to lug my laptop out to a wifi location on my days off so I just utilize the 48 hours a week I'm stuck in a shack with little amusement other than books and blogs. I get out in about an hour, at seven. I have to shovel out the doorway to my little shack and throw down some salt before I leave. I can't wait until the days are longer and I can sit outside and read in the warm morning sun and eat strawberries.
N.

Ooh, at least I don't have to haul myself to the clinic, or more accurately endure the ride while Mike drives. We got storm bottles. That saves so much time!

Nobody Ever Said There Would Be days Like This...

Maybe they mentioned it and I just don't remember; what my memory serves up is that my parents tried to make me and my siblings think life was a fairytale, at least at first. When we were little, and I think a lot of parents do this, they tried to shelter us from all the shit which must have been hard at first before they had a lot of money and we lived in East Cambridge when it wasn't so posh as it is now. Don't get me wrong, by the time I remeber anything we were probably better off then a lot of American families, my father did very well starting his own public relations firm. But when my parents got divorced we sort of got a crash course in the way most of the country lives and my life has stayed like that since. I wish they had had the gumption and forethought to really talk to us kids. I hope if I ever have kids I can speak frankly with them and I pray they understand things that I was so naive about until I experienced them by accident.

I love my parents and I would never trash them for the things they did. Everyone always does their best even if their best sucks. Ten years ago I would not have had such feelings and this blog would get shut down for the anger that came from me I imagine; but eventually we have to realize that life happens the way it does for a reason and we're all just human and we all have no idea why we are here and that's confusing and makes people do strange things to try to figure it out or forget about it - but it seems like no one really wants to talk about it - and for me that's a big reason I love heroin is that it makes those questions seem a lot less terrifying. Nowadays I even feel love for my dad who has pretty much gone his own estranged way since I was sixteen or so; I can't say I feel no resentment towards him at times, but it is no more than I feel towards myself for all the bad decisions I made. Point to all this rambling: PARENTS, talk to your kids, not in metaphors or by skirting the true issues, it will keep them more connected to you. And don't check out, ever, not until you die, they need your support. If my parents had not got divorced and been so busy with their own pain to see ours perhaps all four of us would not have become drug addicts, then again who knows.

If Only We Could Travel Through Time....

For the sake of all those who have yet to go through heroin detox or opiate replacement therapy, I wish that I could go back and begin this blog from the moment immediately before I got clean. Like many addicts, I knew in my soul that I needed a drastic change in my life long before I actually made any changes. Part of the problem I had in initiating change was that it was difficult to get the answers I was looking for and even more difficult to put together a plan that may work to keep me clean over the long term. I saw over ten different doctors and therapists over the course of many years while I sought a program which would work for me. I believe that it would have been really helpful to be able to find some resources out there for people in my position. If I had had access to a non-judgemental, unbiased source of knowledge and information regarding opiate dependence, I may have saved myself a lot of heartache and physical pain.
I can't even count how many times I tried to get clean on my own. But I do remember vividly the excruciating pain of it as if it were yesterday. Once I found out about medically assisted detox programs, I realized it was possible to detox with relatively little discomfort if a person was under the supervision of a medical staff at a rehab facility. With the ability to be detoxed and back on the streets within a week or less, it's easy to fall right back into using because most rehabs don't set up adequate aftercare programs for their patients. I in fact wondered if they hoped patients would come back because it is after all a profitable business with state care going for over a thousand dollars a day and up. After several years of trial and error - of cold turkey, of trying to wean myself, AA, and NA, and even a year or so of suboxone - it was the methadone that finally made recovery a possibility.
As much as I credit methadone maintenance therapy with changing and possibly saving my life, it may not be the best thing for everyone. First of all, one must understand that methadone clinics are not non-profit. It is in their interest to make money off their patients. Methadone clinics are not charitable organizations - so if lack of funds is the main reason you want to quit drugs, methadone may not be the answer for you as it sometimes feels like it costs as much as my old habit. It doesn't, of course, cost nearly as much but it seems that way sometimes. There are many, many more reasons to think significantly about whether methadone is right for you - so if it's something you are thinking about for yourself or someone you love - PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE TIPS FROM THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE! PLEASE, i WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM OTHERS WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ADDICTION AND ARE ON THEIR WAY TO RECOVERY EITHER PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY.

Diary of a Drug Fiend

This blog is for all the addicts and recovering addicts and everyone who loves an addict and wants to help; or simply to those who would seek a better understanding of what it really is to suffer from addiction. I was a heroin addict for a long time and I have been clean now going on five years. I want to share what that journey has been like for me in the hopes that my reflections may help others with their journey down a similar path.
It is my hope to clarify some misconceptions our society holds in regards to addicts. I want to dispel many myths and rumors which support the belief that all addicts are unintelligent, lazy, morally weak people who think only about themselves. In fact, addicts cross all boundaries of race, gender, age, and level of education to name just a few. There are so many reasons why people become addicted, nothing is black and white in regards to addiction anymore. A substantial number of medical experts regard addiction as a disease not unlike diabetes or cancer and that is a belief which seems to be more and more acceptable to the medical community.
However, there are still millions of people out there who would imprison us for our disease rather than seek a path towards rehabilitation for drug offenders. I want to address methadone as a treatment for addiction because I believe it is equally misunderstood. People seeking recovery through methadone maintenance are routinely discriminated against at NA or AA meetings because we are not considered clean. It is difficult to find a doctor who does not have a bias against methadone patients and it can be difficult to find a job or even receive school loans from the feds. Please stay tuned to discuss all these topics and more. Stay Clean!!!