Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Today I feel really crappy. Nobody makes clear just how difficult it is to get off methadone once you have been on it for years. It's almost worse in many ways to drop methadone than it is to quit dope. My highest dose, almost over a year ago at this point, was 132 mg and now I'm only on 4o mg. At least heroin withdrawels are over in a few days - physically speaking. Mental withdrawel never ends as far as I'm concerned, even on methadone, perhaps the edge is removed. You really have to want to get off to put up with the discomfort for months on end, unless you have the strength to really go through severe detox and cut yourself cold turkey. I know people have to do it when they go to jail and I've heard it's one of the worst feelings possible.

Well, I'm at my job. I work nights at a trucking company. I hate my job, needless to say really. I've recieved my Associate's degree over the past five years or so but an A.S. is pretty much good for nothing. It still costs a shitload - but won't get you a good job unless you're really lucky. I want to finish school and open my own head shop/sex shop so I can work for myself. I'm sick of standing in the rain for 12 hours at a time. I really just want to be free from the control of outside influence. That includes methadone. I don't want to have to be somewhere every morning or else be sick. I can't go on vacation - see you can get methadone to take home a week at a time if you work up to the privelage by being "100% clean". I will never qualify because I will never stop smoking weed. I did not seek help for a cannabis addiction, I did not ask for regulation of every detail of my life, but that's what I got.

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VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV