Thursday, September 30, 2010

It's not that late but I'm tired. I get up by six most days, earlier now because I GOT A JOB!!! Whoo-hooo! It's not a really crappy job either, it's a cool job. I'm working at a place called The Chocolatier and it's a small chocolate shop within walking distance of my house. But the best part is that they have a kitchen above the shop where they make all their chocolates by hand and I get to work in the kitchen and the shop. So it's not as if I'll be spending my days feeling like I'm just a wart on the face of society, doing nothing beautiful. Because every day I will be doing something beautiful, something that makes people feel happy. Okay, well maybe not every day, because it's only part time for now - but at least three days a week but maybe more as the holidays come. And if people call out I'll take their shifts. Anyhow, things are looking up. There is light at the end of the tunnel on my way out of my mother's house.

I can't write anymore because I drank too much wine and now I want to have some of the pie I made. And I have to put away the overly dry mac and cheese I made from scratch. All of which my mother ate even though the last several days she's been deliberately leaving me out of meals. I finally cooked myself something cuz I was starving - I thought she was out so I could eat in peace. But of course she came home mid-prep - awful. But I just kept doing my thing, and I'm glad I did. Pooh pooh to them all.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I finally got a job. So it's only at Dunkin' Donuts, but so what. It's better than nothing and they're the only place that's called me back at all (well, the chocolate shop, but they only need part-time. And I need full-time so I can get out of here) so I'm taking it. And the guy who interviewed me was the son of the family who owns, like, all the DD's in the area and he was very nice. So that's a really good sign. I've learned that it's important to like your boss, and I think as far as bosses go he's alright. He seemed easy going but on top of things. And it's a brand new store so it's wicked clean. And it's not really a very busy location. I live in kind of the middle of nowhere so it probably won't be the worse job I've ever had. The owner said he would try to work around me taking classes, within reason. That's important.
I'm a little worried about coming off the methadone while I'm working. But I'm going to do what I can to get on some sort of anxiety medication which should help me get through work. And maybe I'll even get some sleep. The thing about a job like this is that I can't smoke on the job. Once I'm making some money I'll be paying for me own methadone and maybe I'll have enough eventually to go to the doctor who gives my mom and my sister their meds. I just want some ativan or something.
Anyhow, for some reason I don't really feel well. I think I'm dizzy from the release of stress from knowing I have a job finally. I'm gonna chill while I still can. I already went to the clinic this morning, than the beach for almost two hours. I go swimming almost every day even though it's super cold. I wish I had known how close the beach was all summer.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Things are lookin' up. I've got two job interviews lined up, one tomorrow and another on Friday. So that is, like, a humongo load off my shoulders. I'm pretty confident that I'll be offered a place at at least one of them. So since I've been so stressed lately I think I'm going to be a little indulgent today and go to the beach by myself. No dogs, no nothing but me, my reading, and the sun and waves.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

How lame is it to have a blog called The Daily Dosing and then rarely give a daily dose of anything? Super lame, that's how lame. Well, you're still not gettin' anything good right now even though I have a million things to comment on, from a dead, crusty raccoon on the beach to more crazy mum stories. Oh, and I have a good one...oh, nevermind it's almost six thirty a.m. and I'm dragging my ass. The dogs are like, 'what the hell?"

So, until later then my peeps.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday. I've always liked Sunday. It's a slow, lazy day. I think the world needs to slow down, the people in the United States in particular need to slow down and appreciate life more. Why are we rushing? What is the hurry?

I cleaned the house up a bit this morning, sat around, ate breakfast, watched a couple episodes of Nurse Jackie (what a crazy fricken show, huh?) and now I think I'm gonna head to the beach and watch the surfers while I do some yoga. Then I'm going to come home later on, early evening, and make dinner for my little brother and myself. I can't decide if we're going to have blueberry pancakes with chicken sausage or pasta with chicken, broccoli, and creamy garlic sauce. I'll ask him what he wants. Then I think I'm going to bake banana bread because we have a bunch of overripe bananas. What a life. I feel really lucky at times like these.

Of course there are things I want that I don't have. But I have time to get those things. I've also done a lot of things that other people haven't had a chance to do because they did the other stuff first. But I think that getting that out of my system will make me appreciate everything that is to come.

Have a happy Sunday people. Even all you grumpy meany people out there. I hope you find happiness too.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Have You Heard of Ibogaine Therapy?

This morning I learned something new in the realm of opiate addiction treatment. It's actually quite interesting and I think anyone who has an issue with opiate dependence may find it intriguing as well. And I must give credit to my younger brother, Sam, who made me aware of this controversial and fascinating therapy. Some of you may have heard of it before, or like myself, know you should have but didn't pay enough attention. If you've read any Hunter S. Thompson you have read about it and just let it slip through your mind like so many other things. Anyone who reads my blog somewhat regularly may know that I've been struggling with, first a heroin addiction, and now a methadone addiction for many years. I have been on methadone for seven years and was a successful H addict for about five years prior to that. I desperately wish to be free of the burden of dependence. I don't want to medicate myself everyday with something that has so much power over me.
But despite my many efforts at complete detox I have never yet been able to entirely overcome my addiction. I have come pretty far though. I am now on only 33mg of methadone a day and I come down 1mg a week. I am more or less only on it now because it helps to treat my extreme anxiety. But I would much rather find other methods of lowering my anxiety which do not require me to be tied to a clinic, unable to live a normal life. I will continue to smoke marijuana daily because that does not affect my life negatively in the way that my methadone dependency does. And it also does a great deal to limit my level of anxiety in day to day activities. Something as simple as going grocery shopping can produce nausea, sweating, my cheeks will burn and my throat flutters. I race through the store, often forgetting items I need and I limit my interaction with people as much as possible. I'm not like that when I'm high. But there has to be another way to make life less anxiety inducing.
Since I am always interested to find a promising possibility when it comes to recovery, I was thrilled when my brother mentioned this newish therapy. It is called Ibogaine Treatment and it's a little freaky but I think it could be right for someone like myself who has been trying for so long to be clean. It's basically intense therapy but the talk therapy is assisted by the use of a "naturally occurring psychoactive substance found", actually, "in a number of plants" but especially those in the Tabernathe iboga species. Apparently, ingestion of the active chemicals in this plant produce minor hallucinations and deep introspection causing patients to understand the root causes of their addiction. But it's not only that, it gets even crazier. It is claimed by doctors and patients alike that after a short period of time ingesting this drug, patients notice that the withdrawal symptoms of their opiate dependency are no longer discernible to them. Something about the chemical structure of this plant is able to heal the broken pathways of our brains and reset the way we create dopamine and other "feel-good" type chemicals that we need to lead healthy, happy lives. People who have experienced this treatment say they feel the way they did before they became addicted, they don't get cravings and their depression has been alleviated. It seems almost too good to be true.
But there are clinics being operated in many countries around the world. Of course, the United States is not one of them because we like to keep beneficial medical treatments out of the hands of the public if we think it may, in any way, interfere with the ability to make mucho money off the black market drug trade and the subsequent influx of cash into law enforcement and politics. The US is also notorious for fearing anything which opens the mind to internal exploration and introspection. Because then, of course, people begin to question what the hell is going on in the world and that's just a fricken nuisance for those trying to make a living off of the raping of our natural resources and the destruction of our souls.
So I guess my point is that I think this therapy is worth researching further. I am guessing, especially because I have not been able to find any info on cost, that it is somewhat prohibitive. I have wanted for years to go away to a recovery retreat and not come home until I have healed myself. But that's damned expensive. Once a person takes their very last mg. of methadone it can still take up to several more months before they can sleep through the night, eat without feeling sick; before the constant aching in their bones begins to subside, before the body temp regulates itself and there is not a constant feeling of dread hanging over them. But traditional detox programs don't keep patients more than two weeks because insurance doesn't cover it. So the way it stands now is that rich people get way more of a chance to get clean than poor people. But I've been thinking of taking advantage of living with my mother and trying to save up enough to send myself to a really nice private clinic so I can really focus on fully detoxing from the methadone and then doing some really intense therapy so I can get on with my life. I think it could be really amazing for me. So I can get down really low as I'm saving up and then go when I would really need the most help.
So I've included some links to information about this Ibogaine treatment. I have read a lot of it but not all of it. I plan to do quite a lot more research on this method of recovery. I think it could help to allow me to do what I really want in my life. I want to heal myself so that I can help others who suffer from the same afflictions heal themselves. And I think people are more effective as healers if they are accepting of themselves.

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV