Alive and Well

I am Not dead. Thank you so much to the people who showed such concern for me. I am so very sorry that I caused you to worry by being absent for a while. My absence opened the door for a very troubled person to take advantage of the situation and manipulate your emotions. I feel partially responsible for allowing this to happen. Please forgive me for not being considerate of the fact that people may have been worried about me. I will try to have more foresight in the future and let people know if I am going to be gone for a while. Let yourselves relax because fortunately this time an addict did not die. I really appreciate the powerful things people had to say and the way you all defended me. Thank you all so much.



               WTF? I know its been a while but I am so horrified by what I found upon my return. I read it quickly and probably haven't processed it fully yet but I need to quickly say that I am so sorry that all the people who read this blog were upset by some insane person telling you all I was dead. I AM NOT DEAD!!! I was never in jail, I never OD'd......I'm actually doing really well and have just been extremely busy. I did not have access to a computer for a while but Jason and I recently bought our own laptop That's, like, a huge accomplishment for us. We honestly purchased it, fair and square. Even though it was out of the locked case and on a table because it was a special sale. It was just begging to be stolen. But we have never stolen anything that we didn't really need. We have never stolen for the pure thrill,for the rush you get as soon as you know you got away with it. We only stole from large corporations, never family, friends, or average citizens. I can somehow justify stealing from a place like Walmart. I will gladly explain my reasoning behind that decision at another time when it will not detract from the main point at hand or confuse the reader. But in this case we had the money from both of us working, and we were not about to be sick from withdrawals if we didn't get money for dope, and we were not starving because we had no money for food. So we just simply bought it. Brand new, all ours.
             As a matter of fact, anonymous, you can straight suck it because I am doing better than I have done in a very, very long time. I think you, anonymous, are the coward who preys on others, takes pleasure in the pain of your fellow man, and you clearly have a blackness in your soul to concoct such a devilish scheme. I feel sorry for you that you spend your days imagining ways to hurt others because you can't understand them. There is too much hate, misunderstanding, small-mindedness, jealousy, etc in this world, please don't bring it to this space. It is all those human characteristics which cause so much pain that drove me to find solace within myself through the use of drugs. If I can just get high enough that I withdraw completely inside myself, then I don't have to think about why people are so mean and hateful, why the world is so violent and unfair. Heroin has always effectively caused a cushion, a shield between me and the world. I have never found a better, quicker, stronger way to deal with my pain. That is why it is so difficult for me to give it up entirely. There are so many people out there who are like this "Anonymous". I don't know how to fight them, how to make them see that they are just as wrong as they believe us addicts to be. So even though things are good these days, I'm working, I have a safe place to live, I have a car, a great boyfriend, my family, I still use every now and then because I just can't let it go entirely.
                  Part of why I didn't make a huge effort to write was that I was worried about who could come across this blog. Employers? Probation officers? So I believe I have made sure my last name is not on here, nor my location. People like anonymous would probably rat me out in a heartbeat. But it would be nice to utilize this outlet again. I rely on Jay to listen to all my venting and that's just not fair. Maybe returning to my blog would give him a break. Normally I would be asleep by now but I am geeked out of my mind. I know I shouldn't have a drug test coming up any time soon and I have the weekend off. So we treated ourselves. It's a nice release but I wish we were somewhere other than my mother's basement. Everyone else in the house is asleep of course. But we have to be so quiet and aware of anyone moving about. My siblings are all addicts (in recovery for the most part) and they will tattle away if I don't share. And my mother would simply lose her shit. We do have a decent amount of space downstairs here. We have our tv, computer, books, a nice bed and lots of other stuff to occupy us. I would just rather be in the city with a hotel room, a show to see, and a bunch of money.....but wouldn't we all like to be there? This will do.
                We took a long drive today, back to the old stomping grounds, so we could be certain we were getting shit that was worth our time and money. There's not much that sucks worse than waiting months to finally get wrecked and then you spend money you actually earned the slow, hard way just to get bunk shit. There's no point in dealing with someone I don't know at this point in my addiction. It's not like I'll get sick if I don't get shit. I have a stockpile of suboxone so I don't need to worry. I get high for pure enjoyment so it best be enjoyable. I do know, however, that it can go bad fast. Enjoyment turns to necessity like night turns to day. That's a big reason I live so far from anywhere I know anyone. Plus the threat of jail in the event of a failed drug test keeps things in perspective.
                 I just want to say thank you again to the people who still follow this blog. I'm so sorry I didn't realize what had gone on here sooner. It's so terrible that people had to feel upset for no good reason. I'll try to check in more often.