Sunday, October 3, 2010

Well, things are good and things are bad. I have my new job which is really cool. It's pretty laid back so far. I like working with chocolate. It's an art for sure. The melting and coating, the setting of the creams and checking for inconsistencies. I feel like I'm in Charlie's chocolate factory. Everyone seems to like me and I feel like I fit in. And I have an interview tomorrow for another job at the local Stop & Shop grocery store. So with both jobs, because it seems like once you get the interview the job is yours - at least in the service/low paying industries - I should be able to save up for a car. I want to get a small 4x4 pick-up or suv, used of course. Something I paid for and will be ALL MINE. That's the motto for the future. Get what I need to live all by myself. It's been my dream and my goal since I began writing it down, so since I can remember. I look back at old journals and I keep reading the same thing. I just need to get the basics so I can go off and do what I want. But the same issues just keep repeating themselves and I get nowhere. But it does seem like I have a chance for things to be different this time. Why? Well, it's me, I'm different. Before I would have been so out of here with nothing to keep me going. I would be sleeping in a tent or car or a cabin with no electric or water - just to get away from my crazy family. My family is still crazy, and I still have no respect for any of them - but I've learned to fake it so so. I haven't lived in my parent's house since I was seventeen. I got no help then and I don't get much now. I get a roof and the basics but it's always been emotional support I've craved. I've wanted a role model, someone to copy who did things the way I wish I could. I know there are people out there who are like what I wish I could be, I've just never actually personally met any. But I will. Because I'm going to stop hanging around close enough to my Mom so I can save the day for her or my siblings when she has an emotional/mental breakdown. I'm always worries she'll kill herself and I'll need to be nearby to pick up the pieces of her mess. That's no way to live, it has never been a way to live, it sucks, it sucks me dry, I have nothing left for myself after blotting her wounds all the time. I'm done, I'm living for myself. And part of that entails dealing with her crazy for once in my life, not running away from it because it stresses me out. I have to find ways to deal until I have my own basics and then I'm doing what I've always wanted even if it means I'm not near by to clean up her mess.

2 comments:

Jeannie said...

I think that's an excellent first step. I'm sure it won't always be easy for you but I'm just as sure that one day you'll be where you want to be. I admire your determination.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm so proud of you. You are following your dreams.

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV