My new boy is in jail and probably going away for three years at least. I guess I should have known that would happen. I knew he was on the edge but I was not paying attention to what was really going on cuz I was in my own world. And then it happens and I wish I had convinced him to leave the state when I could have. But I went up North cuz I'm a coward and I wanted to be taken care of and feel safe and I let him feel left behind and abandoned and now he's going to prison. I suck. Mostly because I haven't wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with him in almost nine years. Sure I've had Mikey but it wasn't like that. With what's his face I can hardly be next to him without wanting to drape myself upon him in a way that makes as much of my skin come in contact with his as possible. I picture his hands, his face, his voice every morning and every night and most minutes in between. I've written three letters in as many days and I haven't done that since high school when my then boyfriend got kicked out for cheating on a test, from me, who was way more stupid than him. Anyhow, I feel like I'm seventeen and totally in love for the first time. It's ridiculous.
I've bailed quite a few folks out of jail in my life. I've been there myself on occasion. But jail and prison is NOT the same thing. Once you really care about someone who is caught up in the system and is going to prison for several years or more you really begin to realize how fucked the system is. When you are a prisoner they basically take away all your rights. You are owned, an object, you are not allowed to be human anymore. Did you know that masturbating in prison can get you put in the "hole?. It's public indecency since you're never alone. They can't smoke, they can't get fresh air, they don't eat right, they can't feel safe for even a moment, they can't communicate with most people, they can't vote, travel anywhere outside of the country ever again, they can't support their families, they have to become something else, something cold and hard that doesn't feel the same because it's the only way to get by. But then when someone wants to help them from the outside, suddenly their rights are of all importance. No, we can't give you that information because you care and want to help. No, no, we uphold human rights only when it gives us the upper hand. I can't even visit him because I have a dismissed drug charge from over ten years ago. I don't even think he can put me on his phone list because I'm a bad girl, thank god I'm a bad girl, I'd hate to be good. Because don't you know, only the good die young.
I know it's probably hideous to the mainstream drone but I'm giddy because I got a message from him the other night. I got a call from some kid who was like, "you don't know me but my cousin is in a cell with what's his face and he wants me to give you a message". I was like, in my head of course, "Hell, yeah, I'm getting a secret message from my hot ass felon boyfriend from the inside. That's so Goodfellas."
Yeah, yeah...fuck you too. You'd want to fuck him too, trust me.
Anyway, I'm sure if they'd let me on his list he would have just called me himself. Cuz my brother's friend who was in jail for a few months said he once used used his calling privileges to call someone for someone and he made him give him two candy bars, a cup of soup and some other shit. So at least I know I'm worth the trouble of ten dollars worth of contraband. Or at the very least an ass whooping, cuz the kid seemed a little shaky. And what's his face is a big dude and already did a nine year bid. Plus he's pretty convincing when he wants to be.
How can someone be in jail for "receiving stolen property"? How is that his fault? Someone else stole something, gave it to him, and it's his bad? WTF???? I haven't talked to him yet...court date is in ten days, but who's to say the cops didn't put in ipod in his pocket and say he "received"it? Huh?
Fuck that.
