Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Despair and Dissolution

I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.

Everyone can say "I told you so". Haters alert, this one is rich for criticism. My life as an addict has turned into the typical disaster. I'll be spending a year in jail up in NH. I'm just waiting on the prosecutor to finalize her plea offer. But I know that no matter what I am doing at least a year. On the positive side, my sentence includes a  mandatory in house drug  program. I'm actually looking forward to that in hopes that it will help me find an end to this madness. In fact, I wish she would just finalize her plea so I can accept it and just go. The sooner I begin my sentence, the sooner I'm out and able to pursue life.
I've always been able to manage my addiction and appear functional to those I meet in passing. But when my boyfriend went to jail last November to do a five month suspended sentence, I lost all sense of reality. I missed him so much and didn't realize how much I relied on him until he was gone. My world just melted into a swirl of heroin and benzos. I didn't want to feel the days going by. I just wanted him back and I didn't want to remember all the pain I felt every day in his absence. He was the only person in my life who fully understood me. He knew all my faults and loved me despite them. He made me feel special and beautiful, loved beyond words. If you don't do drugs it is impossible for you to understand the bond that grows between two people who suffer together, survive together, and float together in blissful harmony. We know the best and the worst that other person can be. We were as close to being one as two people can get.
And then he died. He died of an overdose on May 25th, 2014. He died in the back of a pickup truck, in a parking lot in Roxbury. I wasn't there to save him this time. I've saved him so many times before. Driven his convulsing body to the emergency room door, called 911 to come to our hotel or apartment to administer narcan and cpr, I've administered narcan myself on several occasions. But this time I wasn't there. I was in jail. I was in jail for doing stupid shit because I missed him. And now I'm going to miss him forever. I will never forgive myself for not being there for him when he needed me.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare right now. My love is gone and I just can't accept it as true. I envision him around every corner. I wait for his phone call that will never come. I search all the places we have been, looking for that piece of myself that is missing.

I may seem okay, but it's just a mask to help me through the days.

 Empty subway stations that only remind me that I am alone. Places we used to go together and these places used to mean fun times. Nowadays, places like this only serve to remind me of the struggle ahead.
 People actually sleep in this mess. I have better places to sleep and a man by my side, a man I love and trust. But a new man doesn't make me forget about the man who protected me for years. This new man doesn't want me to live this life. But will he really be there a year from now, when I walk out those doors - free from my cage - will he be there like he says he will? Life has left me unsure. Can good things really last?
 This is me. This is how I spend my days. I tramp around and try to make money for some pills to make me forget about my sadness. I try to forget about the love I lost and show my new man the love he deserves.
 Here I am, on something, trying to forget my life. In a moment like this it's just me and my new man. I want to just feel happy and safe and loved. I want these moments to last forever. I want reality to cease existence so I can pretend I haven't lost my love, so I can pretend I'm not going to jail.

 
 Here are some of the places I sleep. I think they are beautiful. I love to wake up without a care in the world. Someone strong and capable next to me, someone who just wants to love me for who I am.Isn't that what we all want? Don't we all spend our lives seeking that one person who makes us feel whole? Nobody wants to go through life alone. We want to share our joys and sorrows with someone who understands. I am changing my life so that I can share more beauty. I want the beauty without the sorrow.

5 comments:

Maureen said...

Nellie, I'm just happy that you are alive and well! I'm so sorry for you're loss. I've got more to read& pictures to see. I have no. Idea if you are in jail or what. I've been without a computer& have a smartphone and it's smarter than me. Lol. Love you Nellie!♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♧♧

Anonymous said...

How are you ? Waiting for your return....

Anonymous said...

im smn clinic. i know sorry to hear about your loss.im having alot of problems with this methadone and the dam clinic.they are so rude here in ca.im almost 50 years old and i went through everything your going through. its awful to live like that.i wish you were here in ca so we could talk and hear each others story.i hope you did get out of jail.let me know if you get this.if you ever need to talk im just an email away. my email is nancymosley72@gmail.com.hope things stzart looking up for you.always here if you need a friend

NANCY MOSLEY AKA MACHETESGIRL

Anonymous said...

how are you now?

Anonymous said...

DOES ANYONE KNOW IF SHE IS STILL ALIVE????

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV