I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.
Everyone can say "I told you so". Haters alert, this one is rich for criticism. My life as an addict has turned into the typical disaster. I'll be spending a year in jail up in NH. I'm just waiting on the prosecutor to finalize her plea offer. But I know that no matter what I am doing at least a year. On the positive side, my sentence includes a mandatory in house drug program. I'm actually looking forward to that in hopes that it will help me find an end to this madness. In fact, I wish she would just finalize her plea so I can accept it and just go. The sooner I begin my sentence, the sooner I'm out and able to pursue life.
I've always been able to manage my addiction and appear functional to those I meet in passing. But when my boyfriend went to jail last November to do a five month suspended sentence, I lost all sense of reality. I missed him so much and didn't realize how much I relied on him until he was gone. My world just melted into a swirl of heroin and benzos. I didn't want to feel the days going by. I just wanted him back and I didn't want to remember all the pain I felt every day in his absence. He was the only person in my life who fully understood me. He knew all my faults and loved me despite them. He made me feel special and beautiful, loved beyond words. If you don't do drugs it is impossible for you to understand the bond that grows between two people who suffer together, survive together, and float together in blissful harmony. We know the best and the worst that other person can be. We were as close to being one as two people can get.
And then he died. He died of an overdose on May 25th, 2014. He died in the back of a pickup truck, in a parking lot in Roxbury. I wasn't there to save him this time. I've saved him so many times before. Driven his convulsing body to the emergency room door, called 911 to come to our hotel or apartment to administer narcan and cpr, I've administered narcan myself on several occasions. But this time I wasn't there. I was in jail. I was in jail for doing stupid shit because I missed him. And now I'm going to miss him forever. I will never forgive myself for not being there for him when he needed me.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare right now. My love is gone and I just can't accept it as true. I envision him around every corner. I wait for his phone call that will never come. I search all the places we have been, looking for that piece of myself that is missing.
Isn't that what we all want? Don't we all spend our lives seeking that one person who makes us feel whole? Nobody wants to go through life alone. We want to share our joys and sorrows with someone who understands. I am changing my life so that I can share more beauty. I want the beauty without the sorrow.