Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I really don't understand how some people are so easily able to just let shit go. That was my favorite thing about heroin. When I was high, things didn't seem so annoying. I'd always explain to people by saying, "I could crash my car and be all bleeding and still be like whatever, it's just a car. Oh, shit, is everyone okay?". I understand how to let go while high, just when I'm not do I have a problem. And seriously, despite all the opinions contrary, methadone does not count. I do not feel high on that stuff, all it does is make me not physically ill and slightly lethargic. One of the folks I keep tabs on said it well on his blog today, describing it as "that warm, fuzzy, everything is okay with the world" feeling. Very few times have I felt that without the aid of drugs. I know all the who-ha about how we can transcend the superficial high of drugs through meditation and surrender to a higher power - perhaps I just am not ready to fully embrace the concept.
So I got to work tonight and I have to go inside the warehouse building to punch in and then I walk back out to my little security shack. And yes it is ironic that I work as a security guard. It actually embarrasses me a little - I justify it because it is not a real security job, I just check trucks and employees into the yard. I have no authority, so it's not like a turned into a rat, right? Most of the time I just blog, watch movies or read, waiting for a truck to show. So as I was on the way back to my shack I noticed that the receiving office staff was still here which is late for them. So as I passed, I paused and said, "Wow, you guys are here late tonight." Then I sort of paused and waited for the lady to say something to me, like "Yeah, just doing blah blah blah". But she didn't, she just gave me a look, like what the fuck do you care sort of look. So I was all, "okay, well, have a good night". And I proceeded to shack.
I hadn't been out here more than fifteen minutes and she comes knocking on the door with some paperwork for my shift. Generally this paperwork is already here when I get here. But on occasion, it is not. In such a case it generally is brought to me by some member of the office staff within a few hours so I wasn't overly concerned. But she was all, "You really should have stopped by on your way through". Now this is the very same woman I had just spoken to. So now it is my turn to think what the fuck? I swear I have a sign on my head that reads 'Take out all your fucked up issues and insecurities out on me because I'll let you'. So in my head I'm thinking, "Am I crazy? Didn't I just talk to her? What does she consider 'stopping by', if not that?" So I say, "Uh, I did just stop by, didn't I?" And she seriously replies, "Well, you just ran through saying something about staying here late." Okay, whatever, am I crazy or is she? Is what I did not considered stopping by? What do you do in a situation like that? You can't really make a big deal about it because obviously the lady has a stick up her ass about something and probably won't be reasoned with. So of course I acquiesce and say, "okay, well, thanks, see you later". But really I want to say, "Are you for real? Are you really that miserable of a person that you have to make things up to be pissed about? Give me my paperwork and get out of my shack and don't come back until you seek therapy".
I know it is a petty battle. I know that many people would say to just let it go, it's not worth arguing about. Well, I think people use that excuse far too often. Do you let it go when you see a parent hit their kid in the grocery store? Do you call someone out when they make racist or sexist comments? Where do you draw the line? Maybe if people began to call out other people on their questionable actions, people would not commit questionable acts with such nonchalance?
I look forward to becoming very old so that I can say just exactly what I think and get away with it. People tend to make allowances for very old women or men, they will respectfully listen to comments they may otherwise balk at. I plan to be very rich and very feisty and say whatever I want and I will hire a driver so that I can go wherever I please.


Robb said...

.. The line? That lady wouldna crossed my line. She just wouldn't be worth more'n a few minutes of mental "Whatta dumb ****", and then she's outa there.

.. There's a huge difference between letting go while straight and being high with the 'don't really give a shite'. The phrase you found blogged today puts being high perfect... "that warm, fuzzy, everything is okay with the world" feeling. Then y'all come down and blip! whoa! damn, but the real world just ain't that way. So, off I go to get high once more, feeling warm and fuzzy, and slowly dying.
I don't know who y'all been talkin' to, but I never got any kinda transcendence from meditating or believing in my own higher power. Heck, maybe if'n I did, I wouldn't be such a sad sack o' shite that I am today. Difference being, I know that crankin' up ain't gonna make the world go away. And, it does get better!

Hey, luv ya, girl, for what you think, and what you write, and what y'all is tryin' to do today. Makes this ol' boy (eek! sure hope I ain't very old!!), makes me feel all is OK in the world today. Thanks...

Keep The Faith*

Nellie said...

Thanks for comments as always. Nah, very old is like 80's-90's, old enough that you would look like an ass if you hit me. I'm thirty, so I hope another 20 years doesn't mean very old. And you're totally correct, as usual it seems.

Deadbeaten said...

"...had that warm euphoric everything-is-right-with-the-world feeling rushing thru my blood stream this morning..."

He DOES have a way with words, doesn't he???

I LOVE your take on getting old, being rich, feisty and able to say whatever you want...definitely something to look forward to! Sign me up!

Gledwood said...

What I don't get is, how did you go from not letting shit go easily (like most of us) to heroin ~ not caring to off heroin and coping? I don't get it

There's this woman at a local meeting who specializes in prattling about her Higher Power as if it's some National Grid electricity supply to which she has clandestinely rigged special non-charged access...

we all sit and subtly half nod and listen but I go away thinking: WHAT THE FUCK~??!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV