Monday, April 27, 2009

Over-worked, Over-tired, and in a Rut

So I've been thinking lately how I've been lucky to have accomplished in my life many of the things that I wished for myself as a kid. So many people are successful as far as what has been expected of them and in ways that support the essentials. Far fewer are able to cross off the things which they just wished they could do no matter what anyone thought. And that's sort of all I managed to do. I was obsessed with Volkswagen buses and I managed to putt my way through a handful of those. I wanted dreads, I finally managed that. I travelled cross-country a bunch, did the whole travel, music, drugs things. I've gone to college, and worked a billion jobs. I've fallen in love and been ditched and found love again. And still there leaves much to be desired and a sense that something is missing.
I always had a connection to plants and herbs especially. For a long time I was really interested in studying natural medicine. That was sort of my whole thing in school and it's always sort of what I envisioned my career path to be. But somewhere along the way I lost that vision and embraced this whole chemical dependence thing. Before,I had been all about finding that in life which brings happiness through health and nature. I suppose that somewhere along the way I became infatuated with the instant happiness and sense of well-being I got from drugs. I'll always feel that there is a place for that sort of pleasure, but too much of even the best thing can be poison. I think I need to reintroduce myself to parts of me that have been dormant for a while. Maybe I'll feel like I'm moving forward again, then. Because they way I feel now I may as well set up a tent in a hole and live there in a rut forever.
The first thing I need to do before anything else is wean off the last little bit of M-done. That will help me save a hundred and five dollars a week which could be much better spent in other places. For instance, if I could free up those funds then I could perhaps think about trying to get my license straightened out. I am stuck all the time. I can't drive myself anywhere because I don't have a license and I've been caught too many times now driving w/out one if I don't stop now I'll have no license to get back. Until I can do those two things there's not much point in focusing on anything else, it would be jumping the gun. First things first.
I also realize that I probably feel sick a lot and over-tired because I don't get enough sleep and my schedule is a mess from working nights. So I'm going to be playing with my schedule over the next few months while I'm trying to get off the M-done, yet again. My goal is to get eight hours of sleep a night and to attempt to keep my sleep/wake schedule the same on my days off as when I'm on. I've read a lot about how a disruptive sleep schedule can really wreak havoc on a person physically. This is going to be a challenge because I work twelve-hour shifts. By the time we drive twenty-minutes past our house to dose and back I'm lucky if I have an hour and a half left before I'd have to go to sleep in order to get eight hours of sleep. I have to remember I need to be up by six p.m. to have enough time to get to work on schedule.
My first thought is that I need to go grocery shopping for the whole week at once, on one of my days off, as opposed to my current daily shopping tendency. That will save a ton of time, in theory. That will take much planning on my part. Planning ahead which is so not my forte. I used to like cooking and baking when I was little and into my teens but as an adult it feels like a chore a lot of the time. Although I'm beginning to enjoy preparing meals more in our new place. There is something peaceful about it that makes everything done there seem less sucky. I like to be able to eat whatever I may be craving that day, at that moment. So when I shop day by day, I'm sure to get what I want, to eat. I just don't get any sleep. I need both. So I'm going to try really hard to get Mike and I not to have to go to the store every day. I've wanted to join a CSA for our summer produce for a few years now. That way I would get a weeks worth of veggies every week and I could plan around whatever we got. Depending where you join you can get fruit and honey and stuff too. And it's actually cheaper in the long run, especially since there are only two of us and we need only buy a half share. I think it seems like I'm spending more when I shop all at once because it costs more at first. But it ends up being less than spending smaller amounts each day.
I know this is such completely mundane information. I suppose I know people look at it - but blogging is more like a diary, it seems, for most people here. Maybe the voyeuristic nature of blogging is a large part of the appeal. People can't help looking in on the lives of others. Even the mundane can be fascinating sometimes.
So my short, short term goal is to shop for the whole week this weekend. Buy enough stuff on Saturday to have breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack foods for the whole week. That is my challenge. After that, get more sleep and try again to get off the M-done. Then hopefully I'll have more energy and more money available to accomplish bigger stuff and eventually get my license back.

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