Wednesday, August 5, 2009

You can follow me into the Dark.

I'm a woman on a rampage tonight. It may be all in my mind but it's a wild rampage nonetheless. If the rage and frustration stewing within me were to suddenly burst forth, even the trees would cringe.

I suppose I carry it with me constantly and like any heat it wants to escape and is undeterred in its attempt to exit the confines of my being. And it's made worse by the fact that I have no desire to cage it most of the time. Warn the town, the beast is out...Oh, I mean bitch.

I'll be cool, driving down the road (which I shouldn't be doing, according to the po po. Some shit about you need a license. What the fuck are they talking about?) listening to some anti-establishment shit and suddenly....Boom! Four raccoons start to run into the road. Now this is your typical country highway, speed limit is fifty but people drive seventy-five, no animal crossing signs (because who cares, really, about animals who are no bigger than cats. If it's not a moose or deer and can't kill a human what's the point, eh?), blind corners, and woods, woods, woods on all sides. As soon as I saw them I started to slow down. I'm pulling over to the dusty shoulder and people are all pissed, whizzing past me, probably thinking I should have just hit the masked little trash-picking rodents. Anyway, by the time I got back to where the last little one was to try to stop the traffic for him to cross, he was so scared and he wouldn't move except to squish himself further into the brush by the roadside. He was chirping like a squirrel but louder, much louder. Not at me but just to the air for his family probably to wait for him. I hate it when people claim animals don't have souls or personalities, so if that's what you think don't comment. We won't agree, EVER and you're stupid, really, really stupid. And you must be the one with no soul. If Mikey hadn't just been laid off and I didn't need my crappy job so much I would have waited for him to want to cross and stopped the traffic, I have my yellow Security costume on so I may as well put it to good use. But I do need this job right now so I couldn't stay and that feeling makes me sick in my heart to know that I'll probably see his carcass on the way home. Because he'll try to cross frantically and it was the busiest time of evening and he'll get hit because some asshole is driving too close to the car ahead, too fast, and doesn't care anyway. If people the other direction had slowed down to begin with, he would have made it. I know this sounds silly, but it's not to me. Animals are an important part of our ecosystem and we treat them as if they are not appetizing to us they are worthless. The ones we like to eat are even worse off, just ask the cows, sheep, and chickens being transported across the country stacked one upon the other in wire cages shitting and pissing upon each others heads the whole way.

Then, last night at work, my co-worker was setting up the scene to call out for tonight. She claimed she wasn't feeling well, but that was after she had complained about how tired she was. And we happen to live in the same building which is totally a coincidence because we didn't know the other one lived there until we ran into each other one day. We are not friends. And she was out in the yard jimmy-rigging her rotted out muffler all day rather than sleeping. I suspect she had plans for tonight which I'll know when I get home tonight and her car is gone or there's a party upstairs. Anyway, I had planned on her calling out and I waited for my work to call me to ask if I would work the extra six hours overtime. I even asked Mikey to tell them I would if they happened to call while I was asleep. But they didn't call. So as soon as I got here I asked my supervisor what was up because I thought Laura was not coming in and I hadn't heard from them. He was all, "Oh, I just figured I'd ask you when you got here if you would stay." Now, I think that's fucked. You should call if you want someone to work an unscheduled shift. This is just a job, not my life, I do not revolve all my thoughts around this greedy ass mega-corp. I planned on leaving at my regular time because I figured she thought better about calling out. I didn't bring any lunch with me, I have carrot sticks, yogurt, and a pretzel. That is not enough food for twelve hours. I turn into a monster when I get hungry and my blood sugar drops. And the morning when it gets busy is when I need to be on my game with all the lecherous truckers. I don't even have any money with me. Because if I take it with me, I spend it. And I didn't need it because I planned to eat when I got home. Either way, it's just common sense to call a person about something like that. Am I crazy, or is it rude to just simply assume I have nothing better to do but lug around extra food and all the other stuff I need just in case I get stuck at work due to unforeseen circumstances. This job is about as important as a job at Burger King. It takes no skill, I do it for money, nothing more, nothing less. If it were a career I were passionate about, long hours are a given. But not here, fuck that. So the guy is all, "Well, I guess I could stay but then I'll be here straight till the morning and I've been here since one". Well, I'm thinking, it was your bad judgement call which brought us to this moment and since it's you be fucked or I be fucked, and it's technically your job to cover or FIND cover when an employee calls out, guess who's fucked this time, pal. Now, because you don't know me, you wouldn't know that this is a monumental occurrence for me. I, like, NEVER say no. Especially if I can be made to feel at all guilty, and it does not take much at all to do that. I'm your typical self-deprecating idiot who tells themselves they don't want to hurt the other person so they hurt themselves instead. But I'm getting really sick of things this way and I've been trying to find a way to linger in the place between being a pushover or a psycho. I'm still slightly disbelieving of the existence of such a place.
I hate the feeling I get in my chest when I agree to something I know I don't want to do or I think I shouldn't do. And I feel almost as bad after I go to the dark side and I've come down and have to watch the scene play over and over again in my head knowing that no one but me knows the reasons behind the rage and therefore misunderstanding continues. Once again, a note to all the dogma touting Anons out there. Don't get all excited and think I may be salvageable because of my guilt. I'm not referring to doing drugs when I think of things I maybe shouldn't do. It's more things like... snap at my dogs when they just want attention. Or take an extra methadone pill when Mikey's not around cuz I know I can get away with it.
So instead of acquiescing and sitting around pissed all night, I said no. I said I would gladly have done it if they had called to give me time to pack the items I needed for the night. But I would not subject myself to being uncomfortable all night when they had every opportunity to make plans otherwise. I'm not the only one they could have called. And if he really didn't want to get stuck here isn't it his responsibility to make arrangements. He gets paid more to be the boss for a reason. I shouldn't have to spend my personal time calling them to ask if they need me to do something I don't want to do anyhow. But, of course, now I feel guilty and I have a feeling they'll indirectly use this against me later. I'm looking for a new job anyway.
Sometimes at this job I feel like a cage girl only with a stupid security officer uniform on rather than being nude. But I know that I'm probably being pictured that way at some point anyhow. Now this wouldn't bother me so much in small doses, but it's overwhelming when it's all the time and unsolicited and uncompensated. At least if I were a stripper I'd be making some real money (and working way less hours). I'm stuck in the little shack which is all lit up and all windows. So every driver who drives by ogles me, and the ones I have to speak with deliver raunchy "compliments" without fail. Half the time I think I tripped and fell into a bad porno when I hear them proposition a rendezvous in the back of their tractor. Does anyone ever accept?? I mean, really? I asked one of them one time, "What would you do if I said yes"? This guy was all, "You can come live with me, I have this and that and I make this much a year..blah, blah, blah". Really, if I said "Sure, let's go. Would I just hop on in next to you, we'd go get some of my stuff and then I'd live with you from then on"? He kind of nervously laughed it off with a mindless, "No, really". I'm always polite and I smile no matter what I'm feeling until I go over the edge which has never really happened here, thankfully, yet. But it makes me mad that I do that. But it would be worse if I got angry at these guys, because they would take offense and it would escalate and I'd get fired or worse. It's not the forum to educate people on the way I would rather be treated, right? But what is the "proper" forum for something like that. The one which only reaches the people who already agree with you? I appreciate a sincere compliment by someone who sees me as an individual, but I don't get that from a lot of these exchanges. I feel like the simple fact that I am female is all that matters. Because it's the same with every woman in here, they have no preference or requirements other than it must have at least one hole. I suppose sometimes that's all a girl wants to be from time to time, but the accepted etiquette is that it has to be ladies choice on such occasions. Am I wrong?
I feel like by laughing it off and pretending I'm not at least slightly offended by the worst of them, than I'm simply perpetuating the cycle of men objectifying women in everyday circumstances on a regular basis.

Of course, the ones you wish would invite you into the back of the truck rarely do.

I obviously wrote this in haste and anger, so spare me the "You (I quote) said this and this, so you must be a whore and a baby-eater shit".

4 comments:

Jeannie said...

There are groups of guys - like truckers - who think it's all manly to boldly proposition a woman - any woman. The more offensive they can make it the better. As far as I can tell, they don't really mean it - and I have found that spouting back some retort - not that you are offended but that they'd better have a johnson as big as their truck indicates...or you expect flowers and chocolate on a first date...or gosh darn, too bad I'm on the clock...something just as unlikely as what they've suggested will make their day without making you out to be humourless and bitchy.

I wouldn't have wanted to work the shift either but I'd likely have said, I'll consider it if you buy me some dinner...

Brother Frankie said...

this is just what i think, as a male..

guys in general do not know how to compliment or even flirt with a woman. as a minister i have learned that a woman needs three thing's..

she needs to feel safe,
she needs to feel secure, (she is desireable)

she needs to feel loved.

so how would you react if a driver said,

"are you ok here at night? last time i was here i felt a little uneasy knowing the other guys hit on you. it must be hard being attractive and doing this job. im really sorry you have to put up with these guys, but have some mercy on them, they are just attracted to you. heres, my cell, while im here if you feel threatened or need company give mem a buzz, i care.."

may be off topic, sorry if its out of line..

keep those boundaries up,

you are loved
Brother Frankie
A Biker for Christ

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nellie,
I love you. I really do. We think the same way on a lot of things. Wish we lived closer so we could meet for coffee or something.

I definitely believe animals have souls and worth besides as meat. Just because they don't communicate the way we do, doesn't mean they are not intelligent in the their own way. What's so damn intelligent about human beings anyway? We've messed everything up since the beginning of time.

Actually, I'll go so far as to say animals are (or should be) equal to people. I let my two cats and dog do pretty much as they please. The cats even get up on my table. I could care less.

My mom is always saying how I should make my dog, Ginger, mind. But I ask mom, why is it somehow my right to impose my will on Ginger all the time? She has a life to live, too. Most people wouldn't get that, but I feel like you probably do.

Truckers are some of the filthiest-minded motherfuckers on earth. Hang in there.

You were right to turn the extra shift down. They should have called you to ask you if you would take it. Don't feel bad about it.

You are loved,

SB

Nellie said...

Thanks to each of you. I was a little worried this post would make people angry. it's so good to know some folks agree with me.
Jeannie - I thought he could have at least offered to lend me ten bucks for food but he didn't seem inclined
Frankie-I would't be offended if anyone ever said something as thoughtful as that. I'd be in shock maybe. I'd be willing to bet not many men at my job are as tuned in as yourself. I think they dont mean to offend, they just don't know what to say. I try to feel flattered but sometimes it's hard. Thanks for the insight.
SB- I agree. Animals are equal to humans in my eyes. Sometimes I like them much, much better than people actually. They never say anything really stupid and they are always willing to sit and listen. My dogs get on the table too(only as big as a cat they are). They stole a big fat joint off there today when I wasn't looking .

aN

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV