I'm not exactly sure what is different lately, but I've been feeling really positive and productive. I know my whole extended family has a long history of bi-polar personalities, and I'd wager I'm not so different myself. Yet this feels more permanent a change than a basic upswing because it's been slowly increasing over the past few weeks. It's probably because when I'm alone a lot I tend to take care of all the little things that I ignore when I'm angry or stressed. I like everything to be clean and organized all the time. Growing up, my room was always well kept and easy to maneuver about until about the past five years when I have been very unhappy. Without Mike around making mess after mess and never cleaning anything up, I finally feel like when I finish a task it may actually stay that way long enough for me to enjoy it. When Mike's around and I clean the car out it's a mess again within days. I don't eat fast food except on the rare occasion when I am so hungry I have to eat NOW. But Mikey eats it all the time and leaves all his wrappers and drink cups all over the floor. He leaves his fishing pole and an inflatable mattress, carrying cases for his glass, it looks like he lives in the car. I like it spotless, uncluttered, smelling fresh. I'm very affected by the space in which I have to spend my time. If it's a mess, I'm a mess.
With the house and car and deck getting cleaned up I feel like I'm cleaning out my own head too. I've been getting rid of all the clothes I never wear or that don't fit anymore. I'm tossing all the old bills and junk mail accumulated over years. Anything I don't need or use is getting donated or junked and it feels so awesome. I've been saying for years that I was going to catch up on all of it, get rid of it but I just kept putting it off. I've gone through each and every storage box and repacked it only with things worth saving. I've separated a lot of mine and Mike's stuff so it will be easier once one of us permanently moves out. I have some paint so I can start painting the apartment soon and I can't wait to get rid of all the crap I kept around because Mike liked it and redecorate my own way.
For so long I've sort of held on to this wannabe hippie crap and I don't know why because all the anger I've always felt didn't really mesh with what it was all about. So I've always felt sort of unbalanced and not comfortable in my own skin. For the first time since I cut off the dreadlocks, I really am starting to realize that that was never me. I'm just way too shallow for all that, I care too much about my looks and how people perceive me. I'm too sensitive to pretend that I'm above all that. And I think accepting that fact about myself has made me happier. So anyway, all that hippie shit has been on its way out for a while, but I'm pointing right to the door now. I want to redo everything, slowly as my funding will only allow, in what I can only describe as Victorian/opium den. I grew up in a really beautiful, huge Victorian house. And my Mom now lives in a little Colonial so she has a bunch of old furniture I can have. I'm most excited about this beautiful dark wood couch with blood red silk upholstery. It's so gorgeous. I'm going to paint the walls in greys, plums, and maybe even some red shade in my bedroom. I want to get rid of all the light colored furniture and replace it with darker pieces. And I've been looking at Oriental carpets on eBay and I think I can get a few for some decent prices. Of course it will take months to achieve all this but I can start with the little things like painting that I can do myself. I need to get my sewing machine fixed because that's another thing that sort of fell by the wayside the past few years along with so many things. But I can't wait to start sewing again - and I'll start with new curtains. I eventually don't want it to resemble my life with Mike at all.
I feel more than ever that we will be able to maintain a close friendship for, hopefully, the rest of our lives. We have been, more than anything, the best of friends for so many years it would be so lonely to give that up. Being up here alone lately, that is what I miss, the hanging out, laughing, watching movies, walking the dogs, friend stuff. Especially with Mike being so close to my brothers, and probably moving in with Sam, there is no doubt we'll stay in touch. But I really want to create a space that is all mine and then I want to keep it that way for a while.
I've always gone from one boyfriend to the next with very little time in between to ground myself. So this time I want to live on my own for a time before I move in with anyone. I never want to repeat this situation with me being completely reliant on someone else. And I'm finally beginning to think that may be a state possible to attain.