It's so frustrating being blocked from Blogger at work. Except sometimes, like now, I can get through when I'm in one building out here. I don't know what that's all about at all. But it's annoying and I know it's because of co-workers snitching. What the hell do they care what I write at work?
Anyhow, here I am today. I have so much jumbled up in my head that I can't begin to get it out properly.
I know I use this as an outlet for stress. It works well for me. It's kind of like a journal but I feel more accountable for it because there are people out there who read it from time to time so I feel like I need to keep up with it. Whereas it's much easier to let a personal journal fall by the wayside.
That being said, I'm going to vent. We have two guard houses here at work. One is for vehicles entering the facility and one is for vehicles leaving. We work four days on one side and four days on the other. The back is easier in a lot of ways than the front because there is a lot less paperwork and less information to enter into the computer. Also there is less interaction required at the back gate. So most people would prefer to be out here unless, of course, it is very hot or cold or the weather is particularly inclement. And we have one employee who is constantly trying to switch with people according to what she finds the most comfortable for her. That's fucking bullshit if you ask me. We all have to deal with the elements, it's part of working a position which requires us to be outside part of the time. What makes people think that they are more deserving of comfort over others? What makes her think she is more uncomfortable than the rest of us in the heat or rain? Or does she just not care about how anyone feels but herself?
So I decided a while back that I'm not going to let people do that shit to me anymore and get away with it. And I have been getting much better at standing up for myself and my needs. But it still stresses me out so much. This lady tried to pull one over on me this morning and the anticipation of having to tell her it wasn't going to happen the way she wanted it to has ruined my night. So it's not much better than just being suckered and being pissed about that. Because either way I'm mad. But maybe at least this way the end result is that I'm not doing something I really don't want to do. So I guess in the long run I do feel better than I would have if I hadn't stayed true to myself.
It's not really worth explaining every detail of the issue but basically she wanted to have me work at the front when it was technically my time on the back and she tried to make it seem like it would be the best for everyone when I know it was because they are paving the front entry way and she doesn't want to deal with the mayhem that is going to ensue because of that. Why should I have to deal with when it fell on her time slot? I'm not her bitch. So I said no. And she was pissed. And yeah, I stressed about it all night but I won and now I feel awesome. And if I had folded I would feel like a gutless jellyfish not worthy of feeling good about myself because I let people walk all over me.
And slowly I'm realizing that this is how I have to be if I want to get anywhere in life. I always wished that people could be thoughtful of one another and help everyone compromise and be happy. But that's just unrealistic. There's always the people that will take and take and take and then there are those who will give everything they have. And the only way to not be a victim is to not let yourself. So if people thought I was a bitch before...watch out.
Plus, we work 12 hour shifts and I've been here all night since seven last evening and she needed all special hours and switched with another girl to get the time off and now has to make it up by covering for her today. So shouldn't she be the one making sacrifices since she needed the special hour change? I think so. So with only two hours left in my day, she wanted me to pack up all my crap including my laptop and food and drinks and load it into her car so she could dump me at the front. Then I have to drag out all my crap again or not have it and that's just not going to happen. Oh no.
I hate being rushed or forced into anything. I need particular things with me to feel content and safe. I need my books and/or magazines, my toothbrush and face wipes to clean the truck gunk off my face. I like to have a coffee or tea handy as well as a cold drink. I hate to get hungry so I need many snacks as I never know what I'll be in the mood for. And she wants me to mess up my whole routine so she doesn't have to mess up her own. Nuh uh, lady.