Well, I am supposed to go to this party/dinner thing at the apartment of one of my new co-workers tonight. On one hand I really want to go, on another I'm scared to go because I will only know two people there. And I only know them from work and not very well at that. I can be rather socially awkward when I'm not intoxicated. And once my inhibitions are lowered I can sometimes scare people because I start to talk about crazy shit. But the girl who invited me, let's call her Ellen, seems really nice and laid back. I know they smoke herb and are into some of the same things as I am, so it will probably be mellow. Mikey, obviously, doesn't want to go since he's lazy and boring. But that's probably in my favor anyhow. I'll be less odd if I'm alone. He makes me kind of embarrased because it's clear our relationship sucks - and we don't need to display it to the world.
On the subject of Mikey...he hates it whenever I try to hang out with anyone, even my own family. It's as if he wants me to be there for him just in case he needs something. Any time I make plans he subconciously sabotages them. He'll suddenly be "so sick, he can't move", or he gets into a car accident or comes home really late so I can't use the car. It drives me crazy. I have, honestly, no friends right now. They have all either moved across the country, or I alienated them with my actions during my heroin stage, or we grew apart because I spent no time with them because I catered too much to Mikey. I hate myself for creating this shitty situation.
But once again, he's just left to go do a bunch of shit just a few hours before I'm supposed to leave. I'm supposed to bring something and I wanted it to be this chocolate cake that I know comes out really good. But I don't have all the ingredients and I know he won't be back in time for me to go get what I need and still make the cake. I'm pissed. But I'm still going to try. I'm going to start getting as much as I can ready. I'm showering now and stuff. So as soon as he gets back, I can go. So maybe I'll be a bit late - better than not going. He's not going to make me sit at home all night while he blows glass or dicks around on the computer. I asked him to stop and get some of the stuff I need and he threw a hissy fit.
Screw this. I'm not letting it be a sucky night. I'm going to the party cake or not. I'll buy something if I have to. I better get started I have so much to do. I should have planned better. I'm trying to get my shit together. At least I quit the other job and it's looking up. Gotta get started. Until later.
3 comments:
Sounds like what my husband used to do. I think he'd like to keep me barefoot and in the kitchen except for the fact that I do a hell of a lot more for him by getting out.
Right. I hear you. Barefoot and in the kitchen would serve Mike just fine. But then I wouldn't be able to go to the grocery store, laundromat, or the dump. Men, can't live with em', can't live without em'. Well, I've thought a lot about living without them. It may be possible if I could find other company. Maybe some day. When I'm old and gray, maybe then I'll move in with my sister.
im hoping you go to the party..
and write about how it seemed odd at first but it was actually great to spend time with others.(outsiders i call um).
i used to isolate because of embarrassment of my wife and her addict behavior. I also isolated in my first years of being sober because i do not know how to be me without drugs or booze. i dont even know how to have sex sober. (dont laugh)
start excepting invites. dont be controlled. set boundaries and ill cover ya in prayer from my side of blog land..
you are loved nellie..
Brother Frankie
A Biker for Christ
(i feel like you are a daughter or relative. funny how we get attached to people we interact with on blogs or the internet, am i weird? or do others feel like this. like when noah went missing..)
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