Hello Hello to all My Dears

Hello and Good Happy Halloween Mornin' to Ya! It sure has been a while. I'm going to try to address some of the comments I've been neglecting and give a general update here while I have a rare moment of peace and quiet. I miss my blogging world despite have a new real world which is taking up all of my time. I feel often that my blogger friends understand me better than some of the friends and/or family who actually see me in person daily. And I don't want to lose the connection I have to you guys - those in particular, who I would miss the most, probably know who you are. And then there are some new folks been stopping by and I feel so psyched about that because they seem cool. I'm glad to be hearing from you Verity Vaudeville cuz I think we have a lot in common and it's good to bounce thoughts off other interesting folks cuz they understand the origin of the pain or happiness better than someone who does not think in the same intense way as you or I or those who are in the realm of the functioning crazies. And I say that with as much love as possible. I really appreciate you all. And I love when Boston Joe stops by on his way about his own super busy life. Much Love to you all!!!!

So what's new? Oh, there's just so much I don't know where to begin. I'll have to check in with Jeannie and see how her illness has played out cuz mine's still hanging on with a lot of might. I feel a bit better for a day or two and then here it comes, rolling back at me with full force. I'd probably have more luck beating this thing if I had a few days off to recuperate. I hadn't been working at all (well, not a real job anyhow. And work for my Mom is more forgiving than the real thing) and now I'm working non-stop. I think, since I started my first day at the choco store at the very end of September, until now at the very end of October I've had only three days off. And we all know I spent those days doing my laundry, cleaning my space, cooking so I'd have lunches for the week, and generally preparing to continue the daily grind with as few snafus as possible. One afternoon I did just take to bed and refused to acknowledge anyone or anything so I could sleep a bit. And that helped a lot. If I could do that for just, like, two days I think I could beat this faster. But I've been taking plenty of the traditional Day/NightQuil, the Theraflu icky hot medicine drinks, and the Mucinex which just seems to make gooey shit come dripping out of every orifice - shouldn't I be dried up already? For crying out loud!? It's begun to dry my skin out to the point it's itching and I have to slather myself in moisturizer - but my lungs and sinus areas are still slogging in mucus. So I've added some alternative remedies and have been drinking much Gypsy Cold Tea and echinacea with garlic and ginger. And although I am not well yet, there should be something to be said for not collapsing entirely. I don't feel a hundred percent but I'm still getting high praise at both my new jobs so imagine how much they'll love me when they see how hard I work when I'm not sick. Whoo hoo, they better watch out, can they handle my greatness as an employee?

No, really, in all seriousness I am enjoying both jobs for the most part. I love, love, love the chocolate shop because I'm learning so much I really feel as if I'm an apprentice to this amazing trade. I feel very blessed to have found something which makes me happy and advances my culinary knowledge. Because any regular reader must know how much I love food, and cooking and baking and now I'll be adding confections to my repertoire - and that is awesome. More details on that later because I do have to work today for only four hours but it takes time to get ready too. And I still need to walk dogs and do some yoga for my own salvation in this life.

And this is mostly in response to SB because she brought up that working at Starbucks must be cool cuz free drinks and stuff. I actually am beginning to like it more and more as I'm learning all the crazy variations and coffee police guidelines - but there is one thing that puts a damper on it. Well, more than one but let's just focus for now on the fact the Starbucks I work at is not a "real" Starbucks. It appears so to the eye of every customer walking in the door, you are greeted with the traditional green and black color pattern, and all the typical products appear to be present but it is owned by Stop and Shop. And this is apparently an extremely rare arrangement, but of course I managed to find it. So although we serve the same drinks and follow ninety-nine percent of the same rules, certain little things don't apply. For one, us employees don't get free drinks like at a real Starbucks. We don't get a bag of coffee every month to take home and we don't get trained as well. Our paychecks are actually signed by Stop and Shop. How weird is that? We also have slightly different prices and we don't offer all of the same promotions to the customers. It can make things a little confusing, for sure.

Okay, dammit, I have to end this now so I have enough time to get ready and do some yoga, just a little, enough to keep my as pain free as possible. If people know how much yoga could help them they would just have to do it. I wish I had started years ago, I wish I had learned as a child. If I do it regularly, and I admit I have been slacking because I've been feeling sick and tired (the very reasons I should force myself TO DO it even more), it really help me in so many ways but mostly it helps keep the pain out of my shoulder. Without yoga, I can't even lay on my left side to sleep at night because it's too uncomfortable.

Well, for the third time, I think, I am off. I'm working downstairs in the shop part of the chocolate factory today. I prefer the kitchen, obviously, but the shop is wonderful too. Being decorated for the holidays makes it so magical feeling. I feel like an elf working at Santa's chocolate shop. Have a good day everyone.

Love,
Nellie

Sorry, sorry, so sorry I've been neglecting comments, friends, and many other things while starting these new jobs. Got two jobs, one at the chocolate place and part time at Starbucks too. Things are good for the most part...looking up. Promise to fulfill my duties to friends very soon.

Super duper busy. Got a bad cold - stupid cold. I hate being sick. It's like you're still alive and you look normal, mostly, but no one can tell how shitty you feel cuz it's not like having a broken leg. A cold is like mental illness, only a cold actually has more discernible side effects as far as the outside world could see.
The worst thing is that i just made this dinner I've been craving all day, all the while I was selling chocolates at the chocolate shop, and I can't even taste it properly. i'm gonna try the best I can though because I can imagine how fricken delicious it should be.
I love my job at the chocolate shop - I really do. I've been getting along with everyone. Except for this one lady who I will tell all about later. Right now I'm gonna eat this here steak and taste it the best I can.
Goodnight, dear readers. I promise, promise, promise I will check comments tomorrow.

Love to All,
Nellie

Good day. Long day. Interview at Stop&Shop grocery store. Hired to work part-time at the in-store Starbucks. So with both jobs combined I'll be working at least full time, maybe more. Nice. I'll be making some money. AND, I got some anxiety meds today. Nothing crazy but I think it will help. I don't talk about it too much, I don't know why. I have super bad anxiety. Maybe because I lived with it for so long that most of the time I figured I was just going to have to go through life anxious and unhappy because of it forever. But I really like me new counselor and my new Doc, so who knows. Maybe with my 'team' I'll actually be able to get off this fricken methadone shit for good. And maybe I'll eventually be able to go into a store without sweating profusely, heart pounding, loss of breath, tingling fingers. That would be cool.

Well, things are good and things are bad. I have my new job which is really cool. It's pretty laid back so far. I like working with chocolate. It's an art for sure. The melting and coating, the setting of the creams and checking for inconsistencies. I feel like I'm in Charlie's chocolate factory. Everyone seems to like me and I feel like I fit in. And I have an interview tomorrow for another job at the local Stop & Shop grocery store. So with both jobs, because it seems like once you get the interview the job is yours - at least in the service/low paying industries - I should be able to save up for a car. I want to get a small 4x4 pick-up or suv, used of course. Something I paid for and will be ALL MINE. That's the motto for the future. Get what I need to live all by myself. It's been my dream and my goal since I began writing it down, so since I can remember. I look back at old journals and I keep reading the same thing. I just need to get the basics so I can go off and do what I want. But the same issues just keep repeating themselves and I get nowhere. But it does seem like I have a chance for things to be different this time. Why? Well, it's me, I'm different. Before I would have been so out of here with nothing to keep me going. I would be sleeping in a tent or car or a cabin with no electric or water - just to get away from my crazy family. My family is still crazy, and I still have no respect for any of them - but I've learned to fake it so so. I haven't lived in my parent's house since I was seventeen. I got no help then and I don't get much now. I get a roof and the basics but it's always been emotional support I've craved. I've wanted a role model, someone to copy who did things the way I wish I could. I know there are people out there who are like what I wish I could be, I've just never actually personally met any. But I will. Because I'm going to stop hanging around close enough to my Mom so I can save the day for her or my siblings when she has an emotional/mental breakdown. I'm always worries she'll kill herself and I'll need to be nearby to pick up the pieces of her mess. That's no way to live, it has never been a way to live, it sucks, it sucks me dry, I have nothing left for myself after blotting her wounds all the time. I'm done, I'm living for myself. And part of that entails dealing with her crazy for once in my life, not running away from it because it stresses me out. I have to find ways to deal until I have my own basics and then I'm doing what I've always wanted even if it means I'm not near by to clean up her mess.