Constantly Cold..And The Living Is Hard.....

Probably nobody wants to read the following unless you are a sick, cold, ambivalent, angry person at the moment as am I. I haven't used but it's pretty much always there, whether it invades the entire space of my mind or is just a tickle in the back of it. I feel like I would be murdering part of myself to say that I would never use opiates again; but as long as I tell myself I will again one day, it just doesn't have to be today, maybe I can go on like that for a while without feeling like I'm totally denying myself an integral part of my soul.
I thought that because I was on methadone for so long that this would be easier. I was always a pretty well-functioning addict. I always worked, payed for my high(with US currency), you know, most people never knew until I told them. Anyway, for five years I've used only methadone through various clinics but all in a row without any lapses, I have always and will always smoke buds, but I've considered myself pretty much clean. I go to school, have a full time job, we've always had our own apartment. And they tell you that if you have all this shit in order and friends to support you, that your success rate is all that much higher. Well, if that's true, I feel so bad for anyone who has to detox methadone under less desirable conditions.
Sitting still unless sleeping is nearly impossible; the physical symptoms creep all over you if you're not moving and if you let your head have just a moment it could drive you mad with all the frustration. I just want to be over with this. I don't even know what it's like anymore to get through my days without a runny nose and dripping eyes, stomach in knots and hoping I make it to the bathroom before I embarrass myself. It's just so hard to wait it out, let yourself suffer when you could end it all so perfectly. I'm a heroin vampire.
I just keep trying to tell myself it will be so great when it's over. But what about the anxiety, the anger, the violence, all stuff that dope satisfied, will all these demons come back full force?
Anyway, it's SO COLD here, like the highs for this week are like 1 degree F, feeling like -10 or something and I have to go in and out of the cold all night long for work. Cool in the summer but no right now. I'm so irritable, I feel so bad for all the people who have to deal with me. Except for all the fuckin pervert truckers who we serve here. They show up here, never seen me before in their lives and you probably would totally believe how they behave but it's uncool. One guy really pissed me off one night cornering me and shoving bestiality pictures in my face. Now don't get me wrong, my dream in life is to open a head shop/sex shop, so I'm down with most shit. But they key is that it was not INVITED, no warning and not my choice of sex buddy, sorry old man. Anyway, I'm ranting now. Thanks to everyone who has so quickly given such thoughtful advice and please comment if you want but don't get all offended at what I write. IT"S MY OPINION, I'm nobody so who cares, chill out.
N.

Judgements and Closed Minds.....

Thanks to all the positive people out there who leave constructive comments. To anyone I may have offended, angered, pissed off, whatever...sorry... but there is a warning about my site. And please don't get so angry if I leave you a comment, I try to be as tactful as possible but I don't know everything about you and try to initially state that as a disclaimer. We're all just people doing the best we can and I currently interact almost entirely with folks in a similar situation as myself so we can exchange knowledge, not insults.

Angry, Crazy, Going Madder Than A Hatter....

Hindsight is always twenty twenty, eh? Man, I've made so many bad choices in my life and I'm not that old. Actually, I turned 30 on Jan. 9 and I feel so fuckin old. I've accomplished, like, hmm, NOTHING! Depressing.
I want my own house so badly. We're thinking about buying a piece of land over the winter and then as soon as the snow melts just living in a tent for the summer - Mike (bf) can build a little, or big, house; we can only afford little, maybe. But anything would be better than living above some fucking crackheads. I know many people are thinking "pipedream", eh? Maybe, but we work our asses off, like almost 60 hour weeks, I worked 58 hours last week. And since I'm not paying rent (I hope they rot in hell), I should save a shitload of money up. I've lived w/out electricity and running water for a winter in a cabin before and it's not so bad (actually it's hard as hell but rewarding) and if I knew it was mine, I'd do whatever it may take. I'm definitely going somewhere after winter, maybe I'll stay in Vermont but I grew up in Boston so VT was cool at first but now it's desolate feeling and I'm in the south near Mass.
Do you guys ever find people you used to know or do they find you? They block me from so many sites on my work comp. I can't get onto MySpace or YouTube or any of that. I miss a lot of my old friends from way back when, found an old picture album and Everything makes me cry these days.
So I'm down to five mg. and feel like shit but I'm eating valium like candy and don't forget California Poppy extract to all those in withdrawals - you may have to drink the whole bottle and you won't feel high but it fools your body. It's not a papaver, it's Eschscholzia califonica - it sounds like I made that up but I didn't. You should be able to find it at any natural food/co-op near you. Seriously, it helps. I should be getting NO sleep, but I get about three or four hours a night which is a miracle. Folks out there, let me know what you felt like when you went from your lowest methadone dose to nothing. That's what I'm freaking out about. How bad is it, is it better if you came down pretty slow? Will I be able to work? Everyone at my job knows I'm on the done and they know I'm getting off so they're pretty supportive and I don't care about puking and what not as long as it won't be like every ten minutes and my nose runs all the time already and sweaty, yeah, sweat is like my constant companion, even when freezing cold. Will it be worse than it's been going from 5-10 mg in two days? Please - want to hear from you!!!