Probably nobody wants to read the following unless you are a sick, cold, ambivalent, angry person at the moment as am I. I haven't used but it's pretty much always there, whether it invades the entire space of my mind or is just a tickle in the back of it. I feel like I would be murdering part of myself to say that I would never use opiates again; but as long as I tell myself I will again one day, it just doesn't have to be today, maybe I can go on like that for a while without feeling like I'm totally denying myself an integral part of my soul.
I thought that because I was on methadone for so long that this would be easier. I was always a pretty well-functioning addict. I always worked, payed for my high(with US currency), you know, most people never knew until I told them. Anyway, for five years I've used only methadone through various clinics but all in a row without any lapses, I have always and will always smoke buds, but I've considered myself pretty much clean. I go to school, have a full time job, we've always had our own apartment. And they tell you that if you have all this shit in order and friends to support you, that your success rate is all that much higher. Well, if that's true, I feel so bad for anyone who has to detox methadone under less desirable conditions.
Sitting still unless sleeping is nearly impossible; the physical symptoms creep all over you if you're not moving and if you let your head have just a moment it could drive you mad with all the frustration. I just want to be over with this. I don't even know what it's like anymore to get through my days without a runny nose and dripping eyes, stomach in knots and hoping I make it to the bathroom before I embarrass myself. It's just so hard to wait it out, let yourself suffer when you could end it all so perfectly. I'm a heroin vampire.
I just keep trying to tell myself it will be so great when it's over. But what about the anxiety, the anger, the violence, all stuff that dope satisfied, will all these demons come back full force?
Anyway, it's SO COLD here, like the highs for this week are like 1 degree F, feeling like -10 or something and I have to go in and out of the cold all night long for work. Cool in the summer but no right now. I'm so irritable, I feel so bad for all the people who have to deal with me. Except for all the fuckin pervert truckers who we serve here. They show up here, never seen me before in their lives and you probably would totally believe how they behave but it's uncool. One guy really pissed me off one night cornering me and shoving bestiality pictures in my face. Now don't get me wrong, my dream in life is to open a head shop/sex shop, so I'm down with most shit. But they key is that it was not INVITED, no warning and not my choice of sex buddy, sorry old man. Anyway, I'm ranting now. Thanks to everyone who has so quickly given such thoughtful advice and please comment if you want but don't get all offended at what I write. IT"S MY OPINION, I'm nobody so who cares, chill out.