Sunday, January 11, 2009

Angry, Crazy, Going Madder Than A Hatter....

Hindsight is always twenty twenty, eh? Man, I've made so many bad choices in my life and I'm not that old. Actually, I turned 30 on Jan. 9 and I feel so fuckin old. I've accomplished, like, hmm, NOTHING! Depressing.
I want my own house so badly. We're thinking about buying a piece of land over the winter and then as soon as the snow melts just living in a tent for the summer - Mike (bf) can build a little, or big, house; we can only afford little, maybe. But anything would be better than living above some fucking crackheads. I know many people are thinking "pipedream", eh? Maybe, but we work our asses off, like almost 60 hour weeks, I worked 58 hours last week. And since I'm not paying rent (I hope they rot in hell), I should save a shitload of money up. I've lived w/out electricity and running water for a winter in a cabin before and it's not so bad (actually it's hard as hell but rewarding) and if I knew it was mine, I'd do whatever it may take. I'm definitely going somewhere after winter, maybe I'll stay in Vermont but I grew up in Boston so VT was cool at first but now it's desolate feeling and I'm in the south near Mass.
Do you guys ever find people you used to know or do they find you? They block me from so many sites on my work comp. I can't get onto MySpace or YouTube or any of that. I miss a lot of my old friends from way back when, found an old picture album and Everything makes me cry these days.
So I'm down to five mg. and feel like shit but I'm eating valium like candy and don't forget California Poppy extract to all those in withdrawals - you may have to drink the whole bottle and you won't feel high but it fools your body. It's not a papaver, it's Eschscholzia califonica - it sounds like I made that up but I didn't. You should be able to find it at any natural food/co-op near you. Seriously, it helps. I should be getting NO sleep, but I get about three or four hours a night which is a miracle. Folks out there, let me know what you felt like when you went from your lowest methadone dose to nothing. That's what I'm freaking out about. How bad is it, is it better if you came down pretty slow? Will I be able to work? Everyone at my job knows I'm on the done and they know I'm getting off so they're pretty supportive and I don't care about puking and what not as long as it won't be like every ten minutes and my nose runs all the time already and sweaty, yeah, sweat is like my constant companion, even when freezing cold. Will it be worse than it's been going from 5-10 mg in two days? Please - want to hear from you!!!


Dying4Something2Live4 said...

Hey, thanks for the comment! About your blog bout the methadone, this is the 2nd time I've been on it. The first time, I just walked off of it, and went back to dope full force. But I'm really good friends with this guy who has been on it for a vvveeeerrryyyy long time, he's considered a "Lifer" he just recently came down, one mil. a day. he did and is doing really good. and dope wasnt his only addiction. it was also alcohol, benzos and crack! but he's doing amazing! most of it is in your head, dont let it take over, and keep yourself busy, but dont wear yourself thin!! Good Luck!!


Gledwood said...

o man you are so lucky being American

only in America

here you'd get drowned out in fuckin' building regs etc etc it would never happen

hey you could actually build your own log cabin just start small and add a room to a room to a room surely that's the way to go

ALL the best of luck and EVERYTHING with coming off...

Gledwood said...

i have never come off methadone... EXCEPT when i had a real baby habit which ... well it was so mild it barely counts

getting to 5mg is serious achievement but there is NO reason to bump off quickly... if I were you I'd go 5,4,3,2,1 if you can bear it. but even when you get to one you can go 0.8, 0.6, 0.4, 0.2... i mean you can keep diluting the stuff down so in the end you run a bath, drop in a single drop of methadone, stir the bath, take up one single drop of bathwater and dose on that!

OK i'm being crazy but you get my drift why on earth SHOULD any reduction from 5mg involve suffering. you could do the reduction over a month... why not? divide 5mg -0mg into 30 steps and reduce that way

Gledwood said...

Happy Birthday by the way. I only felt the blues at 35 then I really did feel old

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV