Hindsight is always twenty twenty, eh? Man, I've made so many bad choices in my life and I'm not that old. Actually, I turned 30 on Jan. 9 and I feel so fuckin old. I've accomplished, like, hmm, NOTHING! Depressing.
I want my own house so badly. We're thinking about buying a piece of land over the winter and then as soon as the snow melts just living in a tent for the summer - Mike (bf) can build a little, or big, house; we can only afford little, maybe. But anything would be better than living above some fucking crackheads. I know many people are thinking "pipedream", eh? Maybe, but we work our asses off, like almost 60 hour weeks, I worked 58 hours last week. And since I'm not paying rent (I hope they rot in hell), I should save a shitload of money up. I've lived w/out electricity and running water for a winter in a cabin before and it's not so bad (actually it's hard as hell but rewarding) and if I knew it was mine, I'd do whatever it may take. I'm definitely going somewhere after winter, maybe I'll stay in Vermont but I grew up in Boston so VT was cool at first but now it's desolate feeling and I'm in the south near Mass.
Do you guys ever find people you used to know or do they find you? They block me from so many sites on my work comp. I can't get onto MySpace or YouTube or any of that. I miss a lot of my old friends from way back when, found an old picture album and Everything makes me cry these days.
So I'm down to five mg. and feel like shit but I'm eating valium like candy and don't forget California Poppy extract to all those in withdrawals - you may have to drink the whole bottle and you won't feel high but it fools your body. It's not a papaver, it's Eschscholzia califonica - it sounds like I made that up but I didn't. You should be able to find it at any natural food/co-op near you. Seriously, it helps. I should be getting NO sleep, but I get about three or four hours a night which is a miracle. Folks out there, let me know what you felt like when you went from your lowest methadone dose to nothing. That's what I'm freaking out about. How bad is it, is it better if you came down pretty slow? Will I be able to work? Everyone at my job knows I'm on the done and they know I'm getting off so they're pretty supportive and I don't care about puking and what not as long as it won't be like every ten minutes and my nose runs all the time already and sweaty, yeah, sweat is like my constant companion, even when freezing cold. Will it be worse than it's been going from 5-10 mg in two days? Please - want to hear from you!!!