I really don't know why I'm not, like, 200 lbs. I love to eat. It's one of the very few things that truly calm me down. But not just any type of eating. It has to be special. I guess that's probably why I'm not huge. I don't just shove things in my face because that's not what relaxes me. It's not simply moving my mouth, chewing, swallowing, all that. It's having a really good meal, something so delicious that it really takes your mind off of real life. I like to make the meal too. That way it builds up slowly and I get to think about how wonderful the tastes will be once I'm done. The thing is, I like comfort type foods. Fattening stuff like lasagna, meat loaf, mashed potatoes, steak, chowder, butter, sour cream, anything with bacon. And sweets. God, how I LOVE sweets.

I've been eating super crappy food for about three weeks. Mostly because I can't spend any money because I have to save it all for Jason's bail which is $1040. In his defense though, he really didn't do anything but drive my car without a driver's license. But he's been in jail awaiting trial for over three weeks while I've been trying to come up with this money. I'm actually pretty close and I think I should have him out by Sunday. And that will be great because our court date is on April 3rd and I guess he has a better chance at thing from the outside. Apparently the system (the judge, the D.A., even your own public defender, the public unless they too are in the "criminal" realm) looks poorly upon going to court from the county jail. They see it as nobody caring enough to get you out. You're seen as a super fuck up everyone's given up on. So they sentence you even more harshly than they would if someone bailed you out. I hope they won't be able to see that it took me up until the day before court to get him. Trust me, it's not that I don't care, I just don't have a thousand dollars hanging around waiting to bail someone out of jail.

And tonight, after many nights of eating mac n' cheese, peanut butter and jelly, cereal, or nothing I finally splurged. I'm making corn chowder. and I already made a key lime pie. I cheated though and bought the crust and I bought whipped cream because I'm not sure if I have an electric beater here. I'm pretty sure I have one in my car but I don't know where and I was planning on selling it at my yard sale on Saturday. I'm waiting to hear from my land lord whether or not he's okay with me having a yard sale in our driveway this Saturday or not. I think I could make some decent money if I get the chance.I have a ton of DVD's from the past ten years or so. I should be able to get at least a few bucks for each one. And then I have a bunch from the past few months. They could be considered 'New Releases' for sure. None of them are more than six months old from being on the shelves in stores. I think $7 - $10 is a fair price for those. They've been watched only once and they are all at least fifteen to twenty-four in the stores. That's half price at least. It's worth a try!

Let's see.....I'm sort of drunk. Been on methadone for a few weeks so I'm not using that sort of thing. Can't afford weed. So I bought a really, super cheap bottle of pinot grigio. And I haven't had anything to drink in quite some time. So I guess I'm sort of drunk...having already downed half a 1.5 liter bottle....so basically a bottle of wine. oops. WTF...I feel like shit. I literally am sick. I have some stupid ass cold/flu type thing that my nephew Cameron had and gave to my mother. My mother I made drive down here to Worcester last week to drive me back to NH to get a bunch of my shit to sell to get Jason out of jail. And she was a good sport seeing as how she hates Jason and doesn't think I should do anything to get him out, let alone sell me special stuff I've been saving for years.

Damn, my corn chowder is so flippin deee-licious! I really wish Jason were here to eat it up and enjoy it with me. He really likes my food and loves eating it and he compliments me the whole time. I don't really care what other people think about him because he makes me feel better than anyone ever has. He really appreciates me and compliments me on everything and I don't have to wait for it or ask for it...he just comes out and says the nicest things. I really believe he loves me so much and it makes all this crap worth it. Because all he did is drive without a license. But because he has defaulted on cases in the past, they made his bail really high. I couldn't easily come up with that sort of cash. I still only did it by doing some stuff I would rather not have done. But I really want him out. So I have stupidly put my self on the line to get him off it. I know that's really dumb...playing with fire. I have so much to do...I have to shut down.I'll try to write when I'm not drunk and tired...and hungry...

Hello Again!

Hey, I bet everyone thought I was dead. Maybe you wondered if I overdosed, or got into a car accident. Nope. I just haven't had the time or inclination to get my lazy ass to a computer.

A lot has transpired.

I'm living in Worcester, Massachusetts with my new boyfriend who I'm really super in love with. And trust me, love is the only thing worth living in a place like Worcester for. This is one hell of a grimy city. Assuming I can maintain some sort of posting stability I'll have plenty to write about regarding the shit that goes on in this town. I already have quite a few shockers hidden in the corners of my mind.

The way in which I met my current man is somewhat unconventional and I'm sort of embarrassed to explain how it came about because I know people will judge me. Disclosing the details of our meeting is something I'll have to think about. But all in all I believe it was meant to be. I've never met anyone who makes me feel so sure of myself. I spent so long with someone who wasn't my match, who had a knack for making me feel ugly and undesirable. My new man makes me feel perfect, all the time. I can be unshaved, unshowered and grumpy and he still tells me I'm so beautiful to him. So all the difficult moments of the past year have been worth it since they led me to my soul mate.

F the privatization of prisons and the inhumane treatment of inmates

As usual, as of lately, it's been a while since my last post....but such is life. Too much shit, too little time to deal with it all. Been spending a lot of time up North where there is no wireless

My new boy is in jail and probably going away for three years at least. I guess I should have known that would happen. I knew he was on the edge but I was not paying attention to what was really going on cuz I was in my own world. And then it happens and I wish I had convinced him to leave the state when I could have. But I went up North cuz I'm a coward and I wanted to be taken care of and feel safe and I let him feel left behind and abandoned and now he's going to prison. I suck. Mostly because I haven't wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with him in almost nine years. Sure I've had Mikey but it wasn't like that. With what's his face I can hardly be next to him without wanting to drape myself upon him in a way that makes as much of my skin come in contact with his as possible. I picture his hands, his face, his voice every morning and every night and most minutes in between. I've written three letters in as many days and I haven't done that since high school when my then boyfriend got kicked out for cheating on a test, from me, who was way more stupid than him. Anyhow, I feel like I'm seventeen and totally in love for the first time. It's ridiculous.

I've bailed quite a few folks out of jail in my life. I've been there myself on occasion. But jail and prison is NOT the same thing. Once you really care about someone who is caught up in the system and is going to prison for several years or more you really begin to realize how fucked the system is. When you are a prisoner they basically take away all your rights. You are owned, an object, you are not allowed to be human anymore. Did you know that masturbating in prison can get you put in the "hole?. It's public indecency since you're never alone. They can't smoke, they can't get fresh air, they don't eat right, they can't feel safe for even a moment, they can't communicate with most people, they can't vote, travel anywhere outside of the country ever again, they can't support their families, they have to become something else, something cold and hard that doesn't feel the same because it's the only way to get by. But then when someone wants to help them from the outside, suddenly their rights are of all importance. No, we can't give you that information because you care and want to help. No, no, we uphold human rights only when it gives us the upper hand. I can't even visit him because I have a dismissed drug charge from over ten years ago. I don't even think he can put me on his phone list because I'm a bad girl, thank god I'm a bad girl, I'd hate to be good. Because don't you know, only the good die young.

I know it's probably hideous to the mainstream drone but I'm giddy because I got a message from him the other night. I got a call from some kid who was like, "you don't know me but my cousin is in a cell with what's his face and he wants me to give you a message". I was like, in my head of course, "Hell, yeah, I'm getting a secret message from my hot ass felon boyfriend from the inside. That's so Goodfellas."

Yeah, yeah...fuck you too. You'd want to fuck him too, trust me.

Anyway, I'm sure if they'd let me on his list he would have just called me himself. Cuz my brother's friend who was in jail for a few months said he once used used his calling privileges to call someone for someone and he made him give him two candy bars, a cup of soup and some other shit. So at least I know I'm worth the trouble of ten dollars worth of contraband. Or at the very least an ass whooping, cuz the kid seemed a little shaky. And what's his face is a big dude and already did a nine year bid. Plus he's pretty convincing when he wants to be.

How can someone be in jail for "receiving stolen property"? How is that his fault? Someone else stole something, gave it to him, and it's his bad? WTF???? I haven't talked to him yet...court date is in ten days, but who's to say the cops didn't put in ipod in his pocket and say he "received"it? Huh?

Fuck that.