Seriously, people, blogs are personal opinions. They are a place for people to write what they want to write on THEIR sites, if you don't like what a person has to say than perhaps you should check out some different sites. Also, you really shouldn't assume that you know exactly what a person has been through.
So, to all the people who leave thoughtful, constructive comments - how do you deal with the people who write nasty stuff and then are too cowardly to identify themselves? Does it make you sad, or hurt that some people can be so judgemental and quick to jump to conclusions? Because even though I don't know who is reading this and who the people on the other end are, it does affect my mindset. It makes me wonder about people and why they do the things they do.
On the topic of methadone and take-homes - again - some of the most fucked up people I know get take-homes. People who you know are still using (because it takes one to know one, and you can just tell when you see them in town or at the clinic), people who take all their take-homes in a couple days and then wait it out or buy more methadone. Also, I know really good people who try like hell and can't get take-homes (not even storm bottles) because they owe a balance, not because they are lazy and don't work, because they have kids and bills and get paid minimum wage. Let's say, for example, that you think you are ready to get off methadone because you've been on it for a really long time and you have a pretty good life - then you are not on a "stable" dose anymore and no longer are able to receive take-homes. Just like you can't generally change your dose while you are host (guest, whatever you want to call it) dosing. There are many, many reasons that people don't get take-homes and I PERSONALLY, not YOU, I believe that not all of the reasons are legitimate. You don't have to agree with me, no one has to agree with me. It is simply what I think.
This whole blog business is all about just putting what we think out there. I try to check out people who seem to be interested in the same stuff as myself or are going through something similar - just to connect in some way with other humans who are similar. It makes the world seem less like a maze filled with ghosts who don't hear you speaking.
Has anyone read "Tweak" by Nic Sheff. I just finished it and I really identified with it in a lot of ways. It's about a guy who is addicted to crystal meth and heroin mostly and about the end of his using and the struggle he goes through trying to get clean. Even though he had experiences that were totally different from my own, they were also totally the same in so many ways. He writes really honestly about his emotions and so much of what he writes resonates within me. Reading it printed so matter-of-factly makes it seem so obvious but just because something is cognitively obvious does not make it easy to grasp at or change. In the beginning of his book he writes' "I always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly. I can't do a job and not put everything I have into it. I need to be the best employee, the best coworker, the best whatever. I need everyone to like me and I just burn out bending over backward to make that happen. Having people be mad at me is my worst fear. I can't stand it. There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone - even people I don't care about." This is totally how I am and I think the key is the whole rejection thing, as addicts so many of us are trying to block out our own minds, we hate ourselves and try to overcome that feeling by being accepted by others and really the hardest thing of all is to learn to accept ourselves. He was really lucky in that he was able to spend a really long time at a rehab facility that worked really deeply with their patients - I wish all addicts seeking help could have that opportunity. I think long term residential treatment is the most successful and it is unfortunate that such a thing is not easy to find unless you are really rich or maybe really poor. I know my insurance does not cover it, plus it's difficult to explain to your job why you need to take three months off work to get off a medication or illicit drugs - whatever it is you need to get off. Anyway, I recommend his book to anyone who may be trying to get clean and is struggling with it. It can be difficult to read at times because it hits so close to home - but if you are really ready to move on with sobriety I think it should be stuff you are starting to think about anyway.
I feel a lot better being on a really low dose of methadone. I don't feel as sluggish. This never would have been enough for me five years ago. I absolutely would have craved using on 30 mg. But now I feel pretty normal, especially if I don't forget to take my other medication for anxiety and depression. I guess I need to see that as progress - it is progress. Just want to end with some positive whatever going out to those still using and all those struggling to stay clean. We're not alone, there are a lot of us out there, keep on getting on.