I attempted to add a playlist of music from the Marley fam. It's below all my posts. I hope it works. Check it out if you like the reggae.

Just some more of my Least Favorite things..

There is a whole yard in which these guys can park their little tractors and sit there staring into space. Why do they need to park like 25 ft in front of me and stare at my shack and therefore at me? Get a life. I feel as if they are spying on me. It's an invasion of privacy if nothing else. Since they have no authority over me there is no need for them to be surveying my work. Buzz off I say.
I am hungry and I want to smoke one first. It's my routine. Even if I'm starving I'll wait to eat until I can smoke first because the food just doesn't taste the same without a good, relaxing puff first. And I've got my little hands on some serious headies tonight. Skunky yum-licious.
Speaking of skunks...I've never really seen one super close..until the other night. My dogs started barking at about 3am and I'm all "Shut up, it's the middle of the night and people are trying to sleep!" but they just wouldn't give it up. So I was forced to check out the situation and come to realize that a huge skunk was attacking my trash right outside my door on my deck. I haven't had any wild animal issues all summer so I was surprised to find them out and about now. But that thing was huge but with such a tiny little face, It's tail was bigger than the whole rest of its body. It didn't spray me though. Not even when I opened the door and tried to scare him off.


Aaahhh! Seriously, this guy needs to bug off. What makes them think that I am okay with them sitting there watching me like I'm a fucking monkey at the zoo. It's really, really annoying. Doesn't he have, like, work to do already? Maybe he'll get the picture if I pull all the shades down. Then I can't see what's going on around me and I don't like that either. But really, there's so many other places for him to go. Or even face the other direction. It's just weird, I don't like it. And I get really bitchy if I wait too long to eat when I'm hungry. So I'm liable to do something nutty soon.
For the record, I hate being watched, especially while I'm eating. That's not to say I eat only when alone. I just don't appreciate being stared at, studied, each rotation of my jaw on display. And I hat being rushed. I never like to be rushed. I forget things and can't take time to appreciate what I'm doing when I'm strapped for time. Having to cozy up to a shrub and sneak small hits as fast as possible is not satisfying. Sure, I'm stoned because the weed is good. But I'm not content. This dude and his choice of parking spot is a monkey wrench in my night. I hate him right now. I probably won't like him later either, even when he's punched out and gone home he'll still annoy me.


Hours after I originally began writing this post....about 3:30 am
Very, very tired right now. No more than four hours of sleep a night since Sunday. WTF? That's just not right. But working 12 hr shifts it is so difficult to fit in enough hours for sleep. By the time I get home, take the dogs out, take a shower, clean up the house a bit, make breakfast and eat it's at least ten or eleven. And that's on a good day. Most days don't go that smoothly. I'm so tired, almost so tired that I don't even want to make the effort required just to smoke. Now that's tired. I'm so tired that I'm not hungry because it takes to much energy to be hungry and then to eat. It's all I can do to simply stay sitting upright with my eyes open at least halfway.

Around 4:40-ish I begin to wake up a little. Just more proof that people are not really meant to live nocturnally. I've noticed that as the days get shorter and it stays dark out longer, I am tired longer into the morning. The sun doesn't really brighten the sky until almost five-thirty or six these days. And it's practically dark when I get here at seven in the evening now. Another thing I hate, day light savings. We need to just end the ridiculous charade already. There is no use for daylight savings, all it does is complicate things. I don't particularly dislike Ben Franklin, but it was his worst idea by far.

It sucks that I have no clue when I may be able to weasel my way back on Blogger. Hopefully it will be soon. It's kind of messed up my nights not having it as an outlet and source of entertainment.

A good book, a good smoke and a good sandwich. It's hard to justify complaining about a night which contains those three items. But I can probably manage to complain a little anyhow. I'll squeeze a tiny complaint or two out for my loyal readers who, because I miss them so much, must miss me.
It seems like it's been forever since I've been able to find a computer with Internet access at the same moment as I have had time to blog.
I can always bitch about the rain. That's fair game, right?

Some people...hmmpfh.

It's so frustrating being blocked from Blogger at work. Except sometimes, like now, I can get through when I'm in one building out here. I don't know what that's all about at all. But it's annoying and I know it's because of co-workers snitching. What the hell do they care what I write at work?
Anyhow, here I am today. I have so much jumbled up in my head that I can't begin to get it out properly.
I know I use this as an outlet for stress. It works well for me. It's kind of like a journal but I feel more accountable for it because there are people out there who read it from time to time so I feel like I need to keep up with it. Whereas it's much easier to let a personal journal fall by the wayside.
That being said, I'm going to vent. We have two guard houses here at work. One is for vehicles entering the facility and one is for vehicles leaving. We work four days on one side and four days on the other. The back is easier in a lot of ways than the front because there is a lot less paperwork and less information to enter into the computer. Also there is less interaction required at the back gate. So most people would prefer to be out here unless, of course, it is very hot or cold or the weather is particularly inclement. And we have one employee who is constantly trying to switch with people according to what she finds the most comfortable for her. That's fucking bullshit if you ask me. We all have to deal with the elements, it's part of working a position which requires us to be outside part of the time. What makes people think that they are more deserving of comfort over others? What makes her think she is more uncomfortable than the rest of us in the heat or rain? Or does she just not care about how anyone feels but herself?
So I decided a while back that I'm not going to let people do that shit to me anymore and get away with it. And I have been getting much better at standing up for myself and my needs. But it still stresses me out so much. This lady tried to pull one over on me this morning and the anticipation of having to tell her it wasn't going to happen the way she wanted it to has ruined my night. So it's not much better than just being suckered and being pissed about that. Because either way I'm mad. But maybe at least this way the end result is that I'm not doing something I really don't want to do. So I guess in the long run I do feel better than I would have if I hadn't stayed true to myself.
It's not really worth explaining every detail of the issue but basically she wanted to have me work at the front when it was technically my time on the back and she tried to make it seem like it would be the best for everyone when I know it was because they are paving the front entry way and she doesn't want to deal with the mayhem that is going to ensue because of that. Why should I have to deal with when it fell on her time slot? I'm not her bitch. So I said no. And she was pissed. And yeah, I stressed about it all night but I won and now I feel awesome. And if I had folded I would feel like a gutless jellyfish not worthy of feeling good about myself because I let people walk all over me.
And slowly I'm realizing that this is how I have to be if I want to get anywhere in life. I always wished that people could be thoughtful of one another and help everyone compromise and be happy. But that's just unrealistic. There's always the people that will take and take and take and then there are those who will give everything they have. And the only way to not be a victim is to not let yourself. So if people thought I was a bitch before...watch out.
Plus, we work 12 hour shifts and I've been here all night since seven last evening and she needed all special hours and switched with another girl to get the time off and now has to make it up by covering for her today. So shouldn't she be the one making sacrifices since she needed the special hour change? I think so. So with only two hours left in my day, she wanted me to pack up all my crap including my laptop and food and drinks and load it into her car so she could dump me at the front. Then I have to drag out all my crap again or not have it and that's just not going to happen. Oh no.
I hate being rushed or forced into anything. I need particular things with me to feel content and safe. I need my books and/or magazines, my toothbrush and face wipes to clean the truck gunk off my face. I like to have a coffee or tea handy as well as a cold drink. I hate to get hungry so I need many snacks as I never know what I'll be in the mood for. And she wants me to mess up my whole routine so she doesn't have to mess up her own. Nuh uh, lady.

Cleaning House

I'm not exactly sure what is different lately, but I've been feeling really positive and productive. I know my whole extended family has a long history of bi-polar personalities, and I'd wager I'm not so different myself. Yet this feels more permanent a change than a basic upswing because it's been slowly increasing over the past few weeks. It's probably because when I'm alone a lot I tend to take care of all the little things that I ignore when I'm angry or stressed. I like everything to be clean and organized all the time. Growing up, my room was always well kept and easy to maneuver about until about the past five years when I have been very unhappy. Without Mike around making mess after mess and never cleaning anything up, I finally feel like when I finish a task it may actually stay that way long enough for me to enjoy it. When Mike's around and I clean the car out it's a mess again within days. I don't eat fast food except on the rare occasion when I am so hungry I have to eat NOW. But Mikey eats it all the time and leaves all his wrappers and drink cups all over the floor. He leaves his fishing pole and an inflatable mattress, carrying cases for his glass, it looks like he lives in the car. I like it spotless, uncluttered, smelling fresh. I'm very affected by the space in which I have to spend my time. If it's a mess, I'm a mess.
With the house and car and deck getting cleaned up I feel like I'm cleaning out my own head too. I've been getting rid of all the clothes I never wear or that don't fit anymore. I'm tossing all the old bills and junk mail accumulated over years. Anything I don't need or use is getting donated or junked and it feels so awesome. I've been saying for years that I was going to catch up on all of it, get rid of it but I just kept putting it off. I've gone through each and every storage box and repacked it only with things worth saving. I've separated a lot of mine and Mike's stuff so it will be easier once one of us permanently moves out. I have some paint so I can start painting the apartment soon and I can't wait to get rid of all the crap I kept around because Mike liked it and redecorate my own way.
For so long I've sort of held on to this wannabe hippie crap and I don't know why because all the anger I've always felt didn't really mesh with what it was all about. So I've always felt sort of unbalanced and not comfortable in my own skin. For the first time since I cut off the dreadlocks, I really am starting to realize that that was never me. I'm just way too shallow for all that, I care too much about my looks and how people perceive me. I'm too sensitive to pretend that I'm above all that. And I think accepting that fact about myself has made me happier. So anyway, all that hippie shit has been on its way out for a while, but I'm pointing right to the door now. I want to redo everything, slowly as my funding will only allow, in what I can only describe as Victorian/opium den. I grew up in a really beautiful, huge Victorian house. And my Mom now lives in a little Colonial so she has a bunch of old furniture I can have. I'm most excited about this beautiful dark wood couch with blood red silk upholstery. It's so gorgeous. I'm going to paint the walls in greys, plums, and maybe even some red shade in my bedroom. I want to get rid of all the light colored furniture and replace it with darker pieces. And I've been looking at Oriental carpets on eBay and I think I can get a few for some decent prices. Of course it will take months to achieve all this but I can start with the little things like painting that I can do myself. I need to get my sewing machine fixed because that's another thing that sort of fell by the wayside the past few years along with so many things. But I can't wait to start sewing again - and I'll start with new curtains. I eventually don't want it to resemble my life with Mike at all.
I feel more than ever that we will be able to maintain a close friendship for, hopefully, the rest of our lives. We have been, more than anything, the best of friends for so many years it would be so lonely to give that up. Being up here alone lately, that is what I miss, the hanging out, laughing, watching movies, walking the dogs, friend stuff. Especially with Mike being so close to my brothers, and probably moving in with Sam, there is no doubt we'll stay in touch. But I really want to create a space that is all mine and then I want to keep it that way for a while.
I've always gone from one boyfriend to the next with very little time in between to ground myself. So this time I want to live on my own for a time before I move in with anyone. I never want to repeat this situation with me being completely reliant on someone else. And I'm finally beginning to think that may be a state possible to attain.

When I can't get on here I feel like I have so much to say. And then when I do manage to get online my mind goes blank. WTF?



I was watching a movie the other day, Sliding Doors, with Gwenyth Paltrow and Jeanne Tripplehorn. I have, literally, thousands of dvd's because I don't have cable and I like to watch tv so aside from renting movies I also buy them all the time. But I don't spend much money on them. I buy the crap in the sale bins and I have, in the past, maybe, stolen some. Anyhow, I heard this line and I liked it.

"A woman never says what she wants. But she reserves the right to be angry when she doesn't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating, and not a little bit scary."

And of course there are some women out there who would not identify with that, or want to admit it's true, but every woman I have ever known is like that to some extent. I know I am. Isn't it our cunning that enables us to hold our own when confronted with an enemy physically greater than ourselves?

I'll be able to spend more time on here tomorrow. Until then, I hope everyone is well.

Just a quick post to say it's been so hard for me to get onto Blogger at work which happens to be the only time I really blog as I'm always sleeping or working. But the girl who works the other side came out to check on something and stayed logged on as herself so I'm poaching her connect for a few minutes before anyone catches on. The other people have started logging off before I get a chance to get into their shit. What is really the frickin harm in me blogging while I'm sitting here waiting for trucks. It's not as if it has any bearing on whether or not I do my job properly. Do they want me to fall asleep on the job? Because sitting here with no music, entertainment or other people to talk to does not make me a better employee. Just an update.