Friday, December 3, 2010

Life is F'd

I haven't posted at all lately because my computer (laptop) was stolen out of my car. Why was is there that night? I don'y know, it shouldn't have been. It should have been at home, I should have been at home.
I have sooooo much I want to say, I feel like my head is exploding. I'm so used to blogging as an outlet and I just don't have that right now. I need to figure out a way to get a new comp, or use the town library in the meantime.
life sucks right now. I totally relapsed. I've gone off the deep end, I've been doing crazy shit that I didn't even do ever before when I was at my very worst using drugs back in the day. I've been "clean" for so long. I used qouatation marks because I've only been really clean from opiates and hard drugs. I still smoke weed and take my meds, which are certainly drugs. I just don't believe how fast and crazy shit like this can happen.
It all started because I went to Worcester, Mass to try to meet up with my sister to get some xanax or klonopins or something cuz I was all out. But pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong did just that. My phone died, and I had no charger so I couldn't call my sister and the show seemed like it had already started by the time I got there, and shakedown (the area where people sell anything from crystals to stickers to heroin, usually). But this shakedown sucked. And by the time I was there, it was all over. My mind was working all on it's own. My feet took themselves to the exact place I knew I needed to be even though I'd never copped in Worcester before, it was as if I knew my way around already. Within minutes of showing up at the spot, I found myself being carried along by a huge man. I wasn't really paying attention to him, I just wanted to score. He smelled clean and I wasn't getting a bad vibe about him. So He found me what I wanted and a clean needle and he brought me to a quiet hallway where I could boot up.
I don't look at people very closely when meeting them. I go more on feeling. Can I feel like this is a good person. And I just felt safe with him. WE did our shit and then we were just sitting there talking. And he must be very insecure beuase he asked me if he was handsome. And I honestly hadn't really looked at him until he said that directly, so I had to look at him closely now. I wanted to know now, was he handsome. A lot of the kids I've always copped from have been good looking but there are always nso young and hardly speak english, I've just never hit it off with a street dealer before. But here I am lookinh at him, finally, and he is not just handsome, he's magneticaaly beautiful. He draws you in with a look. I never should have looked. I wish I'd never met this torturous male siren, with the fullest lips and humungous brown eyes. And because we both were high I don't rememenber the specifics of how I ended up straddling him (clothes on, thank you very much) But he must have said something to get me there because I'm very shy and insecure and I never would have approaced such beauty without an invitation.
I have to go, this is my brother's computer and I need to get going. More later, because the story nis not even close to over. My heart is breaking, and I know he wants me too but I don't know if he knows what to make of me, we are so different.


Anonymous said...

OH MY! Great way to leave your readers hanging! Cannot wait to catch up on the rest of the story! Be safe.

Gledwood said...

O fuck it I am so distracted, I did have a point

but I just came over to say hi really. I am TRYING, for once in my life, actually trying to do what needs to be done, which involves taking something sticky and sweet and not taking something less sticky but far sweeter!

that was a really good post by the way i only haven't been over bc i'm in fucking chaos all the time frankly i'm surprised i ever managed to keep a blog at all, all that conking out in internet cafes... ukh. i once left a £15 bag in there. Came back all desperate. Looked everywhere. Some other bastard had taken it, probably knew exactly what it was without opening it, too. Bloody smackheads!

O it has come back to me, I wanted to ask have you done any NA? I know they wouldn't approve of the grass (I'm afraid my sociallly acceptable poison is alcohol. Great for blackouts and losing things. No. That has to go I'm afraid...) NA have updated their literature on psychiatric meds because people were being unofficially advised they were "using" because of something like lithium or schizophrenia meds. I pick two examples it would be particularly catastrophic to stop taking because some wellmeaning eejut can't tell the difference between drugs and "drugs" ...

Until I got a comment congratulating me on being a pregnant woman I was so miserable today. I'm going to have to speak to my doctor about medication. I've been told I'm "self-medicating" then they give something that's been proven to CAUSE depression and send me packing! My Mum came over last week and was so horrified by the state of me she phoned my worker. I haven't rung the clinic bc I have an appt next week, but I'm so fucking fed up of methadone that does nothing to stop me wanting to use. I had to come to the decision that basicallly it's a tool that does a good job badly.

My last experience with antidepressants was catastrophic. A bipolar-like experience. Not fun. I'm talking about hallucinating dead bodies in the mirror. My hair felt like electricity. I never knew an antidepressant could actually make you so much more depressed but I'm living proof bc I only got better when I stopped it! Better being a relative term. Well I will stop banging on I hope all is good with you. Or to put it another way, getting better.

I keep the existence of me laptop top secret from everyone except family. Nobody except people on the internet know I have a computer.

I can't give any tips on getting one back, everything I thought up was illegal!!

Take it easy ;-)

Verity Vaudeville said...

He sounds lovely, a depth of something you can't begin to translate. I know how it is with going back to drugs and the aftermath that ensues. It never feels like too much until suddenly you're shipwrecked. Then all you have left is the ruin.

But but but, it's got to get better. You have to just trust that it will.

Jeannie said...

Oh you poor thing - to have it bad for company you need to stay away from. Please be careful.

Boston Joe said...

Be careful, you don't want to fall into that trap again. Just cause you fucked up, don't fall all the way in, it is sooo easy to do but you gotta be strong girl.

Robb said...

Welcome to the wunnerful world of addiction, it all its active glory.

ah yes, but you knew that already. Gledwood said it, NA will be there for ya. ah yes, but you knew that, too!!

As it be, grrl, just keep writing. Be it online or the old-fashioned pen & paper, just keep writing. It is a healing action.

ah, but you knew that, dincha?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Geesh Nellie, you miss a little around here, you miss a lot. Laugh.

I hope everything will be okay. I worry, after reading this.

Love you. Please stay safe.


Gledwood said...

O Nellie come back!


Nellie said...

Thank you, thank you everyone for all your comments. I do love to hear from you all and have missed you all so much since I've been stranded computerless. But today I'm using Mikey's (ex-bf) comp to catch everyone up. I'm alive, at least, and things are interesting these days.

Sorry about the irregular postings, but please don't stop stopping by....


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