I haven't posted at all lately because my computer (laptop) was stolen out of my car. Why was is there that night? I don'y know, it shouldn't have been. It should have been at home, I should have been at home.
I have sooooo much I want to say, I feel like my head is exploding. I'm so used to blogging as an outlet and I just don't have that right now. I need to figure out a way to get a new comp, or use the town library in the meantime.
life sucks right now. I totally relapsed. I've gone off the deep end, I've been doing crazy shit that I didn't even do ever before when I was at my very worst using drugs back in the day. I've been "clean" for so long. I used qouatation marks because I've only been really clean from opiates and hard drugs. I still smoke weed and take my meds, which are certainly drugs. I just don't believe how fast and crazy shit like this can happen.
It all started because I went to Worcester, Mass to try to meet up with my sister to get some xanax or klonopins or something cuz I was all out. But pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong did just that. My phone died, and I had no charger so I couldn't call my sister and the show seemed like it had already started by the time I got there, and shakedown (the area where people sell anything from crystals to stickers to heroin, usually). But this shakedown sucked. And by the time I was there, it was all over. My mind was working all on it's own. My feet took themselves to the exact place I knew I needed to be even though I'd never copped in Worcester before, it was as if I knew my way around already. Within minutes of showing up at the spot, I found myself being carried along by a huge man. I wasn't really paying attention to him, I just wanted to score. He smelled clean and I wasn't getting a bad vibe about him. So He found me what I wanted and a clean needle and he brought me to a quiet hallway where I could boot up.
I don't look at people very closely when meeting them. I go more on feeling. Can I feel like this is a good person. And I just felt safe with him. WE did our shit and then we were just sitting there talking. And he must be very insecure beuase he asked me if he was handsome. And I honestly hadn't really looked at him until he said that directly, so I had to look at him closely now. I wanted to know now, was he handsome. A lot of the kids I've always copped from have been good looking but there are always nso young and hardly speak english, I've just never hit it off with a street dealer before. But here I am lookinh at him, finally, and he is not just handsome, he's magneticaaly beautiful. He draws you in with a look. I never should have looked. I wish I'd never met this torturous male siren, with the fullest lips and humungous brown eyes. And because we both were high I don't rememenber the specifics of how I ended up straddling him (clothes on, thank you very much) But he must have said something to get me there because I'm very shy and insecure and I never would have approaced such beauty without an invitation.
I have to go, this is my brother's computer and I need to get going. More later, because the story nis not even close to over. My heart is breaking, and I know he wants me too but I don't know if he knows what to make of me, we are so different.