Sunday, December 19, 2010

Today was, well, I don't really know what to say about today. It should be over but it's not....it's still going, I'm still going....strong. I was taking suboxone for a few days, in fact I took it today as well and didn't use any H, but I'm pretty amped up on some damn good coke at the moment. Not my usual drug of choice but not, certainly, something I'm going to turn down given the opportunity. My crush of all crushes did call me over the week that my phone was broken and I was hiding away, sick as hell, up in the North country. He had his court date and wanted to see me before he went away. Although I'm not so sure that he would care to see me so much if I didn't show up with a car to haul his ass around all day and night. Plus I bring him shit to sell or simply share my money so we can both get high. What addict wouldn't want to hang out with some pretty girl who was so in love with them that they would risk their own safety in order to please them. I know it's pathetic, but I almost don't care because I really do love him, all his faults of which there are many, and his monstrous beauty. He scares me and confuses me and I know he doesn't feel exactly the same about me. I honestly can't tell how he feels about me at all. One moment he's telling me we'll live in the shelter together and get an apartment through the state and live there together, and the next he's giving me the most pitiful hug goodbye that I was actually horrified and insulted and called him out on it. I swear he tries to start a fight with me every time we part because it's easier for him to leave when he's angry. I hate that, I want to have a heartfelt goodbye. If he's going to a program, or jail if he doesn't set the program shit up, for six months to what could be fifteen years than I want a real hug and kiss goodbye. I mean seriously....is he fucking fucked or what? It drives me crazy. He drives me crazy, but I love it. I love the challenge. (why and how can I taste the coke in my mouth when I put it in a vein? It's crazy but I can't see how some folks can do this every day. It's way too much, I prefer to be brought down rather than forced up. I'm pretty amped all on my own without much help.......eeeeek, hot damn! this shit is Sta..rong!)
I've been awake now for far too long. Mikey passed out hours ago - not really into the yay even though he's the one who hooked it up. He should know better than to leave me alone at night with a gram of coke. I haven't done it all but it's only because it's so good I couldn't have without making myself sick. A gram of dope would be a different story. That wouldn't be around for very long at all. But then again dope doesn't make my heart feel like it's about to explode.
Anyhow, Mike and I are staying at my mom's house through Christmas because she seems to want us to be here for the holiday. But then we're going to head back up north. I'm going to stay up there and help him with his house for a while, and hopefully it will help me stay out of trouble. With what's his face in a rehab program for an indefinite period and me far too far away to get to him, maybe, just maybe I'll get over it/him. But I also don't feel like it's right to make Mikey think that everything is fine and I'm gonna just go right back to him. After feeling such intense attraction to someone else I realize that he is more my best friend than anything. But he realized, after I wasn't there anymore, that he was in love with me and he wants me to simply move there with him and have kids and live in this weird border town. I just don't think I can do that. Mikey knows all about what's his face, everyone does. I really suck at lying or even just keeping things to myself. Everyone in my fam knows where I've been these past weeks. They all know I relapsed and fell in love with a crackhead, dopehead, felon asshole who happens to be unbearably magnetic as far as I'm concerned. I doubt there are very many women in this world who wouldn't find him alluring. Without knowing all the details of his life, just meeting him is something to throw anyone for a loop. And he just happens to be all the things I find must be a trait in any man of mine. I really don't think he feels the same, and that sucks. But maybe it's a blessing. Maybe I can find someone else I'm as drawn to who isn't so emotionally unavailable and complicated.

10 comments:

Gledwood said...

6 months to 15 years??! Do American judges have those dungeons and dragons multi-sided dice to roll when they can't decide a sentence then?? O man ...
Cocaine on Suboxone? You're brave! I did a third of a gram of crack on buprenorphine. It plunged me down the deepest black hole all day. No thanks. I love heroin heroin until I die. Or stop, like I did. How fucking boring, I know. I had enough.
Also you gotta understand, this being an island we're more prone to drug droughts, despite having a 60 million population and the biggest heroin market in Europe. It got so bad a few weeks ago there was literally nothing any good anywhere. I scored something with gear in it and loads of weird memory-loss downers shit and that's put me off ever since.
Now back to you:
Keep your life Simple Nellie.
Or is that like telling the Pope to turn Buddhist..??!?

Jeannie said...

I hope you get yourself sorted out. Life is more heartbreaking than it should be - maybe for everyone - but I think some people are more sensitive. I wish you had someone solid and grounded who loved you to help you through. But then I wonder if there is anyone who isn't walking wounded.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm still out here reading, Nellie. Don't go back with Mikey. That's my unwanted two cents. I had a chance to try cocaine and turned it down. I figured I was hyper enough on my own.

Love you much. Happy New Year!

Nellie said...

Thanks you guys - Always good to hear from you, no matter if you agree with what I do or not, I'd rather hear the truth than have you stop reading. Thank you for being out there.

Gleds - If he does the rehab thing for about six months and then does all the stuff afterwards like go to see his probation officer and take drug tests then he'll only be without his freedom for six months, but if he screws it up as he is likely to do, he could go away for up to fifteen years. You would think it would be an easy choice but it;s not for him. I think he spent so long in jail and he was the man in there he feels kind of safe there. I know that sounds crazy but I think there is a part of him that thinks he might be better off in jail. Anyhow, I had a really hard time finding drugs in London. Got robbed the first couple times. We have little droughts or times when quality can go down a bit. But for the most part it's easy to score no matter where you are.
Thanks for stopping by, love hearing from you.
Nellie

Jeannie- I agree that some people are more sensitive than others. I can definitely be over sensitive. I take almost everything to personally. I'm trying not to care as much lately and let things just be a bit. But it's hard. I hope I get sorted out too, life is hard for me sometimes. I think I'll do better away from my mom and keeping busy up north. I love hearing from you and appreciate your opinion always.
Nellie

SB - Your two cents is always appreciated. I agree, I don't want to go back with Mikey. I just don't have anyplace else to stay right now. He's pretty aware that he had his chance and that I met someone else. Even if I don't end up having a relationship with what's his face, I still don't want to be stuck with Mikey for the rest of my life. I'm going to make him put my own room in the house. If I help build it he has to let me stay there. I'm the only one who has really helped him with it so far. All our friends got him to do work for them all summer but then it comes time to help Mike out and they're all too busy. So I'm not really going back to him like that. I can't when every time I close my eyes I feel what's his faces hands and lips, I picture his face, want to smell his smell. I just hope I find myself someone up north and then I hope Mikey meets someone too. I kind of only want to be with someone who can protect me. Mikey thinks he's all bad ass, but after meeting what's his face, I realize I had no idea what a man can deal with and how hard someone can be. I would not fuck with this guy. And now I'm hooked on that kind of self assurance and ability to kick some ass. So I agree with you, Mikey is only a friend these days. A much needed friend who's getting me out of this area, away from my mom who I love but who drives me insane, away from a lot of shit. And he'll keep me busy working on the house and just trying to stay alive. I need that kind of stimulation to get by day to day. Right now I'm not looking too far ahead because I don't know what's going to happen. But I'll try to keep everyone posted. Please don't stop giving your two cents.

Nellie

Gledwood said...

There isn't really a frontline in London where you score heroin on the street. Yeah there are places where crack gets sold openly (e.g. Brixton) or it did some years ago, but for good deasl of heroin I would never ever score like that. The only way I know of that's reliable would be to find a beggar who's on gear and say look if you get me some you can have half and some money that I'll give you if you come back, but you have to introduce me to the man, because I can't keep finding you every time I want it can I? Something like that. A frontline would be what you call a corner, I think. Heroin would be called B (brown), crack is white or dubz (for W). Ooo should I be saying this? Well you do have parental warning thing on yours! So that's what you need to know for next time! If there is a next time. I am avoiding drugs like the plague, I had a alseeping pill tonight, just to set my sleep pattern right (my excuse). I know a dr wouldn't give them if he knew I was OVER not under sleeping, but I bet he'd take them himself for that. Which is why I think Drs are hypocrites now. Next time one is really snotty to you, maybe you should say "well you would know about drugs wouldn't you, being in the druggiest profession of all" because drs abuse drugs more than any other walk of life. It's those wondrous prescription pads, y'see!

What was I gonna say? I came back to see if you'd said anything more really. But I will add ~ you Americans LUUURVE injecting your coke don't you! Yes you can taste it, that's for sure. Also a certain type of good B we used to get tasted really yummy as it came on. It was lovely and strong, too. If I had coke for a binge, coke powder, I'd just get bicarb and a bottle and wash it up. That way you save your veins and piping good coke is the same as injecting, I'm absolutely certain of that. You gotta make sure your smoking technique is good, and it needs to be one breath per pipe, otherwise of course it won't be like injecting, cause it'll be too slow. So that's my opinion on the lovely "snow"... You got any snow of the frozen variety? It's all over the pavements here. London is like an ice rink tonight!

Take it easy
XX

O yeah re sensitivity. I had a psych evaluation. It took literally 4 hours over 3 sessions with a nurse, who passed on her write-up to a dr.
Anyway we came to a point where they both suspected a personality disorder might be behind all my misery and weird mood swings etc.
So I had to look up personality disorders with DSM criteria and say whether and which. The only one that matched me was "borderline" (thanks!) but I did learn something about myself: that I'm more easily hurt and upset than I'd cared to admit. So I do have this "borderline" trait more than I'd like. But it's there. I know it's there. I just try and be grown up in all I do. Which is easier said than done ...

And PS here's wishing you a VERY MERRY ONE INDEED
and a SUPERIOR 2011 ;->...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nellie,
You know I love you. As your friend, I just want for you to be happy.

I love you dearly. Happy Christmas and I wish you the best new year ever.

SB

Anonymous said...

So the job and actually having a life was short lived. One day when you're 40 you'll look back and realize it's going to be too late to be anything other than a junkie loser.

Gledwood said...

Ignore anonymous. I'm 38 and I'm not giving up hope. I didn't do a college course, I trained myself to speak German, (having done it at school, and got on a degree that I dropped out of (long story)). What I'm saying is I improved my command of the language no end, at home on my own. So you can make huge strides, even if you are using. There's no such thing as a ruined life. Just a person who's given up hope.

Nellie said...

Thank you, thank you I love hearing from you guys. SB and Gleds I always appreciate hearing from you guys. You are both always so positive but I know you both have a bitter sense of humor and have an understanding of the darker aspects of life, yet you continually give me loads of reasons to be more positive and thoughtful. You're awesome.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anonymous,
Fuck you. I don't know what you get out of being mean to people. It is never too late to change your life. You're a judgemental bitter asshole.

Nellie,
I love you! You can do whatever you want with your life. I believe in you.

SB

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