I've been awake now for far too long. Mikey passed out hours ago - not really into the yay even though he's the one who hooked it up. He should know better than to leave me alone at night with a gram of coke. I haven't done it all but it's only because it's so good I couldn't have without making myself sick. A gram of dope would be a different story. That wouldn't be around for very long at all. But then again dope doesn't make my heart feel like it's about to explode.
Anyhow, Mike and I are staying at my mom's house through Christmas because she seems to want us to be here for the holiday. But then we're going to head back up north. I'm going to stay up there and help him with his house for a while, and hopefully it will help me stay out of trouble. With what's his face in a rehab program for an indefinite period and me far too far away to get to him, maybe, just maybe I'll get over it/him. But I also don't feel like it's right to make Mikey think that everything is fine and I'm gonna just go right back to him. After feeling such intense attraction to someone else I realize that he is more my best friend than anything. But he realized, after I wasn't there anymore, that he was in love with me and he wants me to simply move there with him and have kids and live in this weird border town. I just don't think I can do that. Mikey knows all about what's his face, everyone does. I really suck at lying or even just keeping things to myself. Everyone in my fam knows where I've been these past weeks. They all know I relapsed and fell in love with a crackhead, dopehead, felon asshole who happens to be unbearably magnetic as far as I'm concerned. I doubt there are very many women in this world who wouldn't find him alluring. Without knowing all the details of his life, just meeting him is something to throw anyone for a loop. And he just happens to be all the things I find must be a trait in any man of mine. I really don't think he feels the same, and that sucks. But maybe it's a blessing. Maybe I can find someone else I'm as drawn to who isn't so emotionally unavailable and complicated.