Monday, December 20, 2010

It's the hard knock Life for Us!

I wrote this days ago and never posted it. I'll post it now, don't have time to re-read so God knows what I've written. Oh well, I'm sure it will be entertaining for now. Leaving civilization today. heading up north with Mike for a bit. Not getting "back together" per say, but I need time away from this area and helping out up there will fit the bill. Peace out to everyone who has been there for me through weird shit and "good" times too. love to you all from the lifelong "junkie loser" - strange how that doesn't really upset me. Is it such a bad thing to be. Maybe nobody says I want to be a junkie when I grow up because nobody knows it's an option.

Remember the shit? That movie, Annie, about the red-headed orphan? That sit's funny, it came on tv while I was sleeping, sort of, and I've ended up watching it. Who plays Miss Hannigan? She does a great job playing a drunk, heartless bitch.
Sometimes I prefer old movies to the new movies out nowadays. All the people aren't super perfect, perfect skin, perfect bodies, perfect everything.....they look more real, just like the rest of us. I think that the way people are portrayed in magazines and film these days is super detrimental to the collective soul of our world. It's not realistic, everyone knows that, yet we all still strive to attain such perfection. Perfection that will never come to us, ever, no matter how hard we try, how many products we use, or how many surgeries we have.

Ah, shit, Miss Hannigan just fixes the picture by tilting it when it was straight to begin with. After she wakes up with a bottle in her hand next to her bathtub gin........funny shit. She tries to seduce Daddy Warbucks.....I need my own Daddy Morebucks.......

I have to stop doing this white shit. I'm going to kill myself with a heart attack. Some kid I sort of chilled with in high school just died from an OD, heroin, but it's easier, I think to OD on coke. Because with dope you generally nod out or fall asleep before you die. Coke just makes you want more and more until your heart pops or something. I wish it were gone.

Why do so many women have a thing for a bad boy image? Do we like the torture? Is life too boring without it for us? I wish I were average, ordinary, blind like it seems so many are. It seems like life would be so much easier if I were one of those people who worked the same job for twenty five years without missing more than. like, five days ever. How do they do that? I can't imagine being at any of the jobs I've had in my life for that long. But some people not only accomplish it, but they seem actually okay, maybe even content if not exactly happy. They have happy, or really truly stimulating moments every so often....a child is born or someone dies, a holiday comes around and it's just so fuckin pleasant for them to focus on that and make it worth living for. For me, it's just so difficult to maintain one personality, or situation for very long. I need there to be unknowns, surprises, something to trip me up, make my blood pump hard. Without that I get too antsy and create situations in which I need to function at a higher, faster level than everyday life.

yesterday I could have stayed here, safely, with no problems at all and gone Christmas shopping and errands and shit for my Mom. But the very thought makes me want to puke. Instead I deliberately put myself in danger by driving an hour or more to a city to meet a man who does not ever have my best interests at heart, only trouble is in his heart. But I wanted the trouble, the closeness to the edge is stimulating. Will we get caught? Will we die? Will we go to jail? Is he lying? I kind of enjoy the not knowing, it scares me as much as it intrigues me. Am I warped? Other people must feel that desire to be close to death or destruction just to see if they can make it through. Anyone who does an extreme sport is certainly flirting with death? What I do is similar to that of an athlete addicted to the adrenaline the sport creates for them. Mine is just a less healthy, overall, addiction.

Mikey just had to hide the rest of the yayo from me so I don't sit here all ganked out all day writing stupid shit on the internet. My arms are busted, but I like scars. What's his face has a scar down his left side below his eye. It's pretty big but it blends in well and I personally think it's sexy as hell. I wish my scar that I got when I fell was more like a real scar, well part of it is a real scar, over my eye. I definitely needed stitches and had a concussion but I didn't want to go to the hospital but ended up having to anyhow in the long run because the clinic wouldn't dose me with my eye all busted until the hospital cleared me for a head trauma. So I should have just gone to begin with and maybe my scar would have come out better. Above the place where there was a deep cut there was another patch that wasn't quite so deep. But as it's healing it looks retarded because it just looks like rug burn now. Of course I have to get a doofy scar and not a cool one. I guess facial scars are better on men anyhow. I've dated a couple guys with substantial facial scars. Not, like, all over their faces but a big one down the side. Both what's his face and my boy Anthony from back in the day have scars like that. Mad sexy.

What's his face just called. He said he would but I try never to wait for anything he promises with great anticipation because I know he will disappoint if I wait for it. But if I pretend I don't care he has to call to make sure he's still got me by at least a little thread. The more I seem to give the less interested he seems. I think he may be jealous because he finally listened to me just now and realized I was going far away from him for a while, with my ex no less, so he said he would call me right back but now I haven't heard back from him in a few hours. But I won't call him back, no he'll call me when he can't take it anymore, I hope. If not, at least I know the name of the program he's going to so I can find him if I want to later.


Jeannie said...

I always went for the bad boys too. I know a lot of women who went for the office type because they like money more. I suppose we all get cranked by different things and it's just as well so everyone can have something.

It would be nice if it were easier to figure ourselves out - and find safe healthy ways to satisfy those urges. Until then, we muddle through. The good people of the world will never really understand and will always think they are better. Maybe they are. But I doubt it. They aren't fighting the same wars.

Maureen said...

Nellie, YOU & I both know we didn't want to become addicts. We can't help it, the gene that comes along with us when we are born. My son understands this, his wife is very naive & young. I could go on & on. I've started to blog. I will get back to you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Happy New Year, buddy. I hope it's a good year for all of us misfits.



Gledwood said...

When I was looking after my friend's 3-year old granddaughter I watched Annie every single day for about 2 weeks. I got that tune "Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow is only a day away" going round my head.... arrrkkkhh! The only song I really like from that film is Hard Knock Life as performed by that Mini Mi Austen Powers person. i really like that version.

Did ya have a good Xmas then?

Happy New Year!!

Gledwood said...

was miss hannigan a drunk? i never picked up on that and i saw it enough times

coke od and death, i don't think i know or know of any rumours about anyone i know who has od'd on coke, died on it yeah a few. always crack.

this iv coke thing isn't so popular over here, people iv crack but it's ridiculous to do that and the excuses like "i've got asma" from heavy cigarette smokers you only need to be able to breathe in smoothly and constantly and remove the flame in good time and hold the smoke in and proper crack and iv coke feel identical, i used to iv crack with heroin in a snowball but that is really really addictive i'm warning you if i've just sparked an idea be very very careful with that one it could set you off on a real course that might take a few years to get out of it's that serious, anyway after fucking my veins with endless speedballs i found out the obvious you can get the identical effect by hitting up gear and toking a preloaded pipe immediately, dur

if you are iv-ing coke why don't you just wash it with sodium bicarb? or you can make a purer version with ether and shit but i've never made it that way + you need patience and care. ether is explosive you do NOT smoke anything near it ~ serious shit!

sorry to be preachy i couldn't live with myself if someone fucked up bc of some stupid half arsed idea i had posted without the warning it does need.

the advantage of course is "harm reduction" to your poor veins!

Stacyann said...

Nellie I just started reading your blog and I can relate to your life. I just starting blogging about my own hell as a Heroin addict, I was also on a methadone clinic for years.

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV