Saturday, December 18, 2010

Life.....Still F'd

Wow-eeeee, oh so, SO much has happened since last I posted. I spiraled away into a black hole of using for about the last three weeks (well, no it's been exactly a month, now that I consult a calendar since the show, Nov. 19th) - but this was a binger way crazier than anything or anywhere I have ever gone before. The catalyst for my recent breakdown was trying to live with my family and trying so hard to fit into a town that is just too stuffy and straight-laced, I had so much steam to blow off I just couldn't control myself. I can't even say it's over but I'm not using today. I made it from here to there a hard way - by making myself get stuck in the north country with no shit, nobody to get shit from except Mikey with his suboxone. So I had to wait until I was sick enough and then I gave in and took some suboxone and now here I am fake "clean", barely maintained on synthetic heroin that the govt. can regulate and feel good about. fuck that. But it's better than being sick and better than compromising my soul to get high everyday. But I don't know how long I will be able to stay at this pace, this level, I am an addict at heart and never really stop thinking about my first and strongest love which is heroin. Suboxone keeps me from being physically ill but it's never worked well for me for very long. As an addict it's too hard for me to regulate myself. I can play with that shit too easily - take it when I want to and not when I don't. Use, get sick, maintain, fumble and cycle back around all over again.
But for the last week I've been staying up in the far North with Mikey, the ex, I know......but it's the only safe place I have right now. He's gutting a house up there which he bought outright over the summer. It might just be crazy and intense enough of a situation to keep me pumped enough not to use for a while. Sleeping in a tent inside a gutted building in eight degree temps, scaling roofs covered in snow to install our wood stove and meeting some crazy people who work the border - pretty interesting. And for now it's keeping me off the streets which is where I have been since that night I met my latest downfall. I have to finish up this post because I am currently at my mother's house gathering some things to bring back north and she needs me to go to the grocery store for her - ah, how things just never change, right back in the old groove of icky. But you have to give to get, right? I just feel like I give a lot and then get weird things I don't really want in return. Although I do know I owe my mother right now - at least payback for the craziness she's witnessed from me and the worry I've caused. It's the least I can do I suppose - I just hate it though.
Anyway, I'll try to post again later because I know everyone really wants to know what happened on the streets of Worcester with my crazy man over the past month. And of course that is the juicy story. Oh boy-o am I hung up on the baddest boy I could possibly find. But isn't he just the most alluring motherfucker on the planet to me. He's like a magnet for me - I can feel him pulling me from here as I sit writing this. We've spent many a night tramping the streets since that first - and I should be running from him in the opposite direction. But that just isn't what I want to do. I want to burrow into him, be part of his being, and never be broken apart. And I know there is a part of him that feels the same way........but we're like that doofy eminem song..."When a volcano meets a tornado"........that's us. It's been a wild ride........ be continued. Soon, I hope.

Until then, keep on keeping on the best we can.


Verity Vaudeville said...

Sounds like you just feel glad to be feeling something for someone. Someone who represents safety, groundedness, sanctuary. Even if it is built on need, desperation, longing. I don't know what to say, other than I've been there. Lesser drugs but still the same place nevertheless. The same scouring of the streets to find that one particular cocktail of choice that is going to give you yourself back. Give you...something. Some abstract, intangible thing that you crave in moments of mild delirium.

That is to say, we'll keep on keeping on, because what alternative do we have?

Nellie said...

Verity, I wish you lived near me because you seem so similar to myself - maybe I'd have an actual friend if I got feedback like that from anyone around me. You hit the nail on the head. I am just looking to feel something - some would say that I'm looking to escape feeling. Some feelings I guess I would rather have than others but I seem to seek crappy situations as much as I seek beautiful ones. Who knows? It is abstract, intangible, unnameable....but I do crave it for sure.

Verity Vaudeville said...

I was thinking that too, would be ideal to have someone to talk to who gets it so entirely. Yes, it always feels like a constant chase of feeling, for feeling, because of feeling. Feeling too much or too little, the balance never just right. Making yourself want something because it's too hard to never be swayed, or pulled or anything making you give to it.

If all I am is the sum of my relentless malaise, I'd rather be made of marble.

Gledwood said...

Burrowing into... you just reminded me of a really stupid story what the fuck I will tell you. I was at someone's house. A nature video came on. Like some sort of caterpillar going down a burrow then it decided it didn't want to be in there then it changed its mind. And I thought make your mind up you stupid grub. Then I realized it wasn't a caterpillar at all. It waws porn. Yes Gledwood is naive and stupid.
I went on Subutex which is Suboxone minus the -oxone part. I don't think I'd go on it again. I'm just on methadone. I hate it with a passion but it's all they'll give so I take it. I feel miserble as shit on it, but there ya go.
Sorry for telling you more than you ever wanted to hear last time I commented. I was out of my tree, but not on drugs, on no drugs. Which proves you don't need drugs to go barking crazy!!

Gledwood said...

It was, not it waws. Fucking eyesight. Terrible. I need glasses bigtime.

Sarcastic Bastard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hang in there, Nellie. I'm pulling for you.



VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV