Just Clarification

I just realized that I wrote something in my sidebar that makes it seem like addicts cannot be productive members of society while actively using. I just want to make it clear that I don't think that is true. There are many, many people who maintain habits and a life at the same time. Many of these people enrich our society and and my favorite argument of all is that some of us just need opiates; why are they here if not for a reason, if not for us to use to our benefit. Maybe poppies were created to comfort those of use who are less than expert at comforting ourselves.

How Did I Get Here, Where Am I Anyway?

Where does all the time go. Weeks, months, years have gone by and I don't remember them. Shouldn't I have more clear memories of the people I loved. I look at pictures and it seems like they were never really there and it's just a weird picture that came with a cheap, crappy frame. Do they think of me, do they remember me, what are they doing, where are they, do they still feel love for me like I do for them even though I can't see their faces in my mind.
I got home from work today, a twelve hour shift, four days a week. It seems like for those four days that I'm just in a daze, waiting for my real life to start on my days off. But then those days come and I'm so tired and have all this shit I should do. Pay bills, pay tickets, try to get my license back so I don't need to beg and ask for permission to go places from Mike. One thing that almost always makes me feel better is to drive around alone with my music, and I can't do that without looking over my shoulder because I'm in a vicious cycle and there's never enough money to pay for anything. I walked in the door and just fell into my bed. I didn't care that my dogs shit on the floor or that I'll never get out of my shitty apartment and own my own house if I don't call realtors and try to get loans, I work fuckin hard enough that I should be happy when I get home because I own it. I shouldn't come home wanting to smash the faces in of my crack head landlords. They fuckin lied about heat being included and when we moved in we realized they lied and they wanted us to use electric heaters to heat the place which is just STUPID. Who in the hell would do that, besides them (idiots)? Do you have any idea how much that shit costs, each heater is like 1500 watts and to make matters worse they jump the breaker all the time and steal our electricity. I HATE them!!!!
I haven't eaten anything all day, maybe I'll be able to force down half a sandwich when Mike comes out here for lunch, honestly I'm happy to be sick for hope that it will make me lose weight. If I feel like this now, imagine how shitty I'm going to feel once I'm on NO methadone. I hear it takes a long time not to feel like shit. Yay! I just want to be skinny again, I feel like I never appreciated my body enough before and I want it back so i can appreciate it. I used to be so strong and fit and now I'm flabby and it makes me sick. But obviously I have no will power so unless I can't eat, I will eat. I hate to cook which is weird because I used to like to cook, I used to do a lot of things and now I live in a void of time which seems unreal. I feel like this big piece of heavy mass just taking up space and air. I make the worst choices, or maybe I'm just not made for this time, I just don't fit in, everything we do as humans in this world just seems so forced and unnatural. All work, no pleasure. Shouldn't there be more time to simply enjoy our existence?
I fell asleep at about eight AM and I didn't take my methadone first (we had storm take-homes) and so I woke up at about noon feeling like a piece of shit, all weepy and dejected feeling and then I couldn't fall back asleep and so now I'm at work trying to keep my eyes open so someone doesn't rat me out for sleeping on the job. Want to hear something funny? I work as a security guard (hey it's a fuckin job, right?) I only found out about it because my boyfriend worked here first in the warehouse. Really, I don't keep anything secure, I just wave employees by and check in trucks on a computer program. Mostly I just sit here messing about on the computer or watching movies on my laptop which I'm technically not allowed to do. What they don't know can't hurt them. I hate security guards and I am one. I hate the police and really authority figures of all sorts make me uncomfortable. I hide my "uniform" (which is just an ugly black jacket and a black hat that reads 'Security') when I'm not at work.
I wish I could just scream, I could, I do sometimes but it doesn't help. Just fuck the snow and the cold, the cold that goes all the way down to the marrow in my bones, even when I'm sweating profusely at the same time. Fuck my car with no heat and all my warrants and fuck all these nasty perverted truckers. Do they seriously think that I'll be all cool and friendly when they say shit like "oh, you'd be so pretty if you fixed your hair" (I have dreads)? Fuck You you fat, nasty, smelly, sweaty, pig - I AM PRETTY, DREADS AND ALL! FUCK YOU!!!!! I wish I could just say, "Yeah, and You'd be sexy if you weren't so fucking disgusting."

My Glass Is Half Full of Shit...

I feel like I'm full of all this shit - mentally, physically, chemically, emotionally. You name it and I feel it these days; from minute to minute my state of being changes. I can go from seemingly perfectly comfortable to dripping sweat and feeling like I'm going to have diarea in my pants before I can get to the bathroom. Nausea is a constant companion. As much as I want to lose weight and have my body back, I'm not sure I'm prepared for it to happen like this. All I can eat is soup and popsicles and baby carrots, sometimes fruit if the moment is right. I'm told I will start puking soon but I wonder if I already feel like that only it affects me on the other end of my bodily waste system. I'm still on 15mg for the second day, which means the clinic will "allow" for me to go down another 5mg when I go tomorrow. I really want to get off but I'm not sure I can take the physical discomfort which will occur without a doubt if I go down again so soon. I seriously cannot afford it. Right now, at $15 a day, I'm paying a dollar a milligram. That for sure is more expensive than H. And money is why I got so fed up in the first place, that and I finally got caught. I just want this shit out of me, I want to feel what it feels like to not be on opiates. But I'm scared I will be totally insane with no opiates in my system. Obviously methadone makes you feel totally different than other opiates. For one thing, if I had never stoppped booting dope I never would have got so fat. (I may not be fat, fat to some people but considering I've always been like a hundred pounder I feel like a whale with fifty extra pounds. That alone makes a renewed habit look appealing. I know what you're thinking, I'm screwed, right, I'll never make it. Yeah, well, I already know that...but it won't be right away. I don't know if it will be a month or ten years but I will get high again before I die.
See, maybe I'm just not done yet. I never stole from innocent people like old ladies or my family; in fact, I only believe in stealing from large corp. like Wal-Mart or something. I never prostituted myself for dope though as a female it's a constant option. I always had a job or sometimes two, even while driving fourty-five minutes each way every day to get my shit. I think that there can be such a thing as a functioning addict; and not every user is destined to become a bum living on the street. Many amazing people have made astounding contributions to this world while high almost the entire time. And although some of their lives may have been cut short, I for one would rather live a short and amazing life over a long and tedious one.
Whatever happens, I can no longer live in this suffocating methadone haze. I'm willing to risk it to have myself back. No guts no glory, eh? I think I deserve some credit for suffering through twelve hour shifts while experiencing withdrawals. FIY: If you are ever in this same situation, California Poppy extract helps a bit. AAAHHHH!!! Fuck This, I can't deal anymore!!