Wednesday, January 7, 2009

How Did I Get Here, Where Am I Anyway?

Where does all the time go. Weeks, months, years have gone by and I don't remember them. Shouldn't I have more clear memories of the people I loved. I look at pictures and it seems like they were never really there and it's just a weird picture that came with a cheap, crappy frame. Do they think of me, do they remember me, what are they doing, where are they, do they still feel love for me like I do for them even though I can't see their faces in my mind.
I got home from work today, a twelve hour shift, four days a week. It seems like for those four days that I'm just in a daze, waiting for my real life to start on my days off. But then those days come and I'm so tired and have all this shit I should do. Pay bills, pay tickets, try to get my license back so I don't need to beg and ask for permission to go places from Mike. One thing that almost always makes me feel better is to drive around alone with my music, and I can't do that without looking over my shoulder because I'm in a vicious cycle and there's never enough money to pay for anything. I walked in the door and just fell into my bed. I didn't care that my dogs shit on the floor or that I'll never get out of my shitty apartment and own my own house if I don't call realtors and try to get loans, I work fuckin hard enough that I should be happy when I get home because I own it. I shouldn't come home wanting to smash the faces in of my crack head landlords. They fuckin lied about heat being included and when we moved in we realized they lied and they wanted us to use electric heaters to heat the place which is just STUPID. Who in the hell would do that, besides them (idiots)? Do you have any idea how much that shit costs, each heater is like 1500 watts and to make matters worse they jump the breaker all the time and steal our electricity. I HATE them!!!!
I haven't eaten anything all day, maybe I'll be able to force down half a sandwich when Mike comes out here for lunch, honestly I'm happy to be sick for hope that it will make me lose weight. If I feel like this now, imagine how shitty I'm going to feel once I'm on NO methadone. I hear it takes a long time not to feel like shit. Yay! I just want to be skinny again, I feel like I never appreciated my body enough before and I want it back so i can appreciate it. I used to be so strong and fit and now I'm flabby and it makes me sick. But obviously I have no will power so unless I can't eat, I will eat. I hate to cook which is weird because I used to like to cook, I used to do a lot of things and now I live in a void of time which seems unreal. I feel like this big piece of heavy mass just taking up space and air. I make the worst choices, or maybe I'm just not made for this time, I just don't fit in, everything we do as humans in this world just seems so forced and unnatural. All work, no pleasure. Shouldn't there be more time to simply enjoy our existence?
I fell asleep at about eight AM and I didn't take my methadone first (we had storm take-homes) and so I woke up at about noon feeling like a piece of shit, all weepy and dejected feeling and then I couldn't fall back asleep and so now I'm at work trying to keep my eyes open so someone doesn't rat me out for sleeping on the job. Want to hear something funny? I work as a security guard (hey it's a fuckin job, right?) I only found out about it because my boyfriend worked here first in the warehouse. Really, I don't keep anything secure, I just wave employees by and check in trucks on a computer program. Mostly I just sit here messing about on the computer or watching movies on my laptop which I'm technically not allowed to do. What they don't know can't hurt them. I hate security guards and I am one. I hate the police and really authority figures of all sorts make me uncomfortable. I hide my "uniform" (which is just an ugly black jacket and a black hat that reads 'Security') when I'm not at work.
I wish I could just scream, I could, I do sometimes but it doesn't help. Just fuck the snow and the cold, the cold that goes all the way down to the marrow in my bones, even when I'm sweating profusely at the same time. Fuck my car with no heat and all my warrants and fuck all these nasty perverted truckers. Do they seriously think that I'll be all cool and friendly when they say shit like "oh, you'd be so pretty if you fixed your hair" (I have dreads)? Fuck You you fat, nasty, smelly, sweaty, pig - I AM PRETTY, DREADS AND ALL! FUCK YOU!!!!! I wish I could just say, "Yeah, and You'd be sexy if you weren't so fucking disgusting."

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