Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My Glass Is Half Full of Shit...

I feel like I'm full of all this shit - mentally, physically, chemically, emotionally. You name it and I feel it these days; from minute to minute my state of being changes. I can go from seemingly perfectly comfortable to dripping sweat and feeling like I'm going to have diarea in my pants before I can get to the bathroom. Nausea is a constant companion. As much as I want to lose weight and have my body back, I'm not sure I'm prepared for it to happen like this. All I can eat is soup and popsicles and baby carrots, sometimes fruit if the moment is right. I'm told I will start puking soon but I wonder if I already feel like that only it affects me on the other end of my bodily waste system. I'm still on 15mg for the second day, which means the clinic will "allow" for me to go down another 5mg when I go tomorrow. I really want to get off but I'm not sure I can take the physical discomfort which will occur without a doubt if I go down again so soon. I seriously cannot afford it. Right now, at $15 a day, I'm paying a dollar a milligram. That for sure is more expensive than H. And money is why I got so fed up in the first place, that and I finally got caught. I just want this shit out of me, I want to feel what it feels like to not be on opiates. But I'm scared I will be totally insane with no opiates in my system. Obviously methadone makes you feel totally different than other opiates. For one thing, if I had never stoppped booting dope I never would have got so fat. (I may not be fat, fat to some people but considering I've always been like a hundred pounder I feel like a whale with fifty extra pounds. That alone makes a renewed habit look appealing. I know what you're thinking, I'm screwed, right, I'll never make it. Yeah, well, I already know that...but it won't be right away. I don't know if it will be a month or ten years but I will get high again before I die.
See, maybe I'm just not done yet. I never stole from innocent people like old ladies or my family; in fact, I only believe in stealing from large corp. like Wal-Mart or something. I never prostituted myself for dope though as a female it's a constant option. I always had a job or sometimes two, even while driving fourty-five minutes each way every day to get my shit. I think that there can be such a thing as a functioning addict; and not every user is destined to become a bum living on the street. Many amazing people have made astounding contributions to this world while high almost the entire time. And although some of their lives may have been cut short, I for one would rather live a short and amazing life over a long and tedious one.
Whatever happens, I can no longer live in this suffocating methadone haze. I'm willing to risk it to have myself back. No guts no glory, eh? I think I deserve some credit for suffering through twelve hour shifts while experiencing withdrawals. FIY: If you are ever in this same situation, California Poppy extract helps a bit. AAAHHHH!!! Fuck This, I can't deal anymore!!

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