The end of winter seems so long in arriving, even in southern Vermont. If it is going to be cold, there should be a lot of snow in my opinion. The past several years have brought little snow until March and by then most people are waiting for spring. Maybe because my apt. is never warm enough, maybe because I have to go outside a lot at work, maybe I feel cold all the time because I'm so low on the done dose, I don't know but I'm ready for spring now.
We're still hoping to move to Hawaii eventually. I think we should really move out of the place we are in right now - even if it means putting off Hawaii for a few more months. I don't think I can stand another month there, never mind another six months. The police are called to downstairs rather regularly. And the folks down there always have some dumb reason why they were there - but it's never because of them. Anyway, I want out of there. I think they're shady and not past breaking in - hopefully they're scared of the dogs a bit.
Okay, I know people are always amused when I tell them my chiahuahua will bite them - but he will. The dad chichi is really, really mean to everyone but me and Mike and my family members as long as they don't look him in the eye too much. All the rest of them are nice when they are seperated one on one but together they are a vicious little pack. I read an article once about a cop who let himself into a mans house and was attacked by chiahuahuas, I forget how many, maybe it was five or eight. They chewed that cop up, he had to be hospitalized. Now I'm not looking to send anyone to the E.R., but I don't want any unwanted visitors either.
Well, I guess I better clean up my little shack before the end of my shift. My eye is still bugging out and I can't look at the computer screen for too long anyway.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Rental Disaster
Mike and I lived in this apartment building for almost five years in Brattleboro. It had been meant to be a temporary move but we kind of got stuck there. It was really small and on the third floor of this old building. The rent went up every year but it had an indoor garage and an elevator. Plus we had the convenience of being in town. But last summer the landlady was showing the apartment next to ours and she took our welcome mat and a sign we had on our door about our dogs and hid them in a stairwell so prospective renters wouldn't pass the place up because they thought some dog-owning hippies lived next door. See, the mat had a little gnome guy and a bunch of flowers and mushrooms on it but it was cute and inoffensive, I got it at Target for crying out loud. And for real, we are dog-owning hippies so shouldn't they be aware we live there anyway? Our dogs are pretty quiet and we don't have big parties or blast music and cook garlic all day. But anyway, she didn't say anything to us she just took the mat and hid it but she didn't put it back. I knew she did it because I left my apartment and the mat was there, I came back a half hour later and she's showing the apartment next door and the mat is gone. Well, my immediate reaction wasn't actually that she took it. I just thought somebody took it. So I was standing in the hall talking to myself about the mat - like I exclaimed, "What the hell, where's my mat?". And she was in the apartment next door showing it which I didn't know at first. So she flings open the door and asks me what the problem is. I told her somebody took my mat and immediately her face got all tense and snapped, "I didn't take it". That's when I figured it all out that she had moved it. But at that moment I just sort of let it go and went inside and thought about it. But as time went on I got kind of pissed and so I called and left a message on her answering machine saying that if she had just asked me I would have moved the stuff myself. So anyway, she didn't like my message at all and her husband calls me back flipping out that I am accusing his wife of stealing and I better keep my mouth shut or he'll evict us....why don't I just shut the fuck up....keep my drug addict mouth shut....etc. He was wicked offensive even though it was obvious he was drunk it still made me cry because the tone in his voice was so harsh. So after that incident things weren't exactly cordial between us. Eventually Mike talked to Hugh(the husband, landlord) and led him to believe we had the whole conversation of him screaming at me recorded(We didn't). So he told us that we didn't have to pay rent while we found a place but that we needed to find another apartment.
That was actually cool because we really wanted to move to a bigger place anyhow and now we didn't have to pay rent for a few months while we looked for a place. The only thing we were worried about was how many dogs we have. When renting it's difficult to find people who will rent to dog owners. So not long after we knew we needed to move, a couple we had met at the Greenfield, MA clinic called and said they had an apartment for rent above theirs and we could have our dogs there and only pay first months rent. I should have known better because we had given these people rides before and I knew they weren't perfect but I thought at least they were clean and their housing situation was stable. They had lived in the same house for years, the whole time we had known them they lived with their mother. I guess I just assumed that they had everything under control because they mother at least seemed well-functioning (she died a few months before we moved in). And the people who had rented the apartment previously were really clean-cut, had kids, two cars, pretty normal - not the type I would figure would be okay living above crackheads. Apparently they weren't because it came to light later that they hadn't been paying rent for a while, and knowing what I do now, I don't blame them.
So, obviously I wouldn't bother mentioning them if we didn't decide to take them up on the offer. My natural inclination is to trust people and give them a chance to prove me wrong. I'm beginning to see that this approach may be causing problems for me. Anyway, idiotic I know, but we took their word on how "nice" this apartment was. We had seen their apartment (It's a two story house with an apartment on each floor) and it was alright. It was pretty big overall, the actual bedrooms were rather small but the kitchen was big and they had a small yard with flowers and a fence so our dogs, they said, could go outside. They told us the one we'd be renting was nicer than theirs and they wanted $900/mo and heat, cable/internet, plowing, trash, garage space were all supposed to be part of the deal. I figured it may not be beautiful but how can you lie about some of that stuff, it's either there or not, it's not like we're not going to notice if there is no cable or, say, heat. Yup, that's right, heat. After we had moved all our stuff in (it was Sept 1) it began to get cold, we're in Vermont after all, and I started looking around for they way to heat the place and I was at a loss. No vents, no thermostat, or radiator - nothing. So we asked, and they simply explained that we were to plug in the electrical heaters stacked in the closet. I don't know what other people think but if we were paying our own electric bill how is electric heat included in the rent unless we take the cost of the electric used for heat out of the bill? But heating a three br apt. with electric heaters could easily be over $900/mo. So, we tried to make the best of the situation and looked at different options to heat our place. We should have just packed up and left then, honestly. I don't know how we could be so daft. Instead of sensibly leaving, we made payments on a new pellet stove figuring it would be an investment in the long run because we can take it with us when we move. It took us until November to pay the thing off. It was over two grand for the stove and the hardware needed to attach it to the wall and vent it outside and a pallet of pellets. They admitted that they had said heat was included and it was agreed that we would take the cost of pellets off rent each month. Oh, yeah.. I didn't mention that they have no heat in their unit except for a kerosene heater in the kitchen and a few electric heaters. Maybe I'm a sissy but I don't think those electric things do any good - unless it's your only choice - they suck. But they have a furnace, they own the house. Around the beginning of January they finally got 150 gallons of fuel delivered for free through SEVCA (a local organization helping 'families in need'). But then the furnace ended up breaking down after a week and they told the same place that they were renters thinking they would get more assistance than if they were home owners. But, of course, the clincher is that if they were renters then the landlord would be responsible for fixing the furnace. Which SEVCA told them clearly. The landlord would be required to fix it because it is illegal to rent an apartment out that has no source of heat.
The point of all this ranting - I don't know. I'm just so mad at the situation I got myself into. And I keep thinking about all the bad decisions I've made over time. Whenever there are two roads before me, I will, without a doubt, choose the most damaging and difficult. Obviously, there is no cable/internet, the garage space comes and goes, and the yard is filled with their huge dog's poop. So our argument is that the place is not worth $900/mo (keep in mind we are NOT in NY, this is Vermont-stuff is cheap). It needs to be painted, it leaks, and their cats poop in the hallway and we have to hear them fight all the time - I say $600 minus the cost of pellets. Am I being unrealistic? Is that unfair? Please comment if you agree or disagree with me, what would you do? Besides never have moved in in the first place.
That was actually cool because we really wanted to move to a bigger place anyhow and now we didn't have to pay rent for a few months while we looked for a place. The only thing we were worried about was how many dogs we have. When renting it's difficult to find people who will rent to dog owners. So not long after we knew we needed to move, a couple we had met at the Greenfield, MA clinic called and said they had an apartment for rent above theirs and we could have our dogs there and only pay first months rent. I should have known better because we had given these people rides before and I knew they weren't perfect but I thought at least they were clean and their housing situation was stable. They had lived in the same house for years, the whole time we had known them they lived with their mother. I guess I just assumed that they had everything under control because they mother at least seemed well-functioning (she died a few months before we moved in). And the people who had rented the apartment previously were really clean-cut, had kids, two cars, pretty normal - not the type I would figure would be okay living above crackheads. Apparently they weren't because it came to light later that they hadn't been paying rent for a while, and knowing what I do now, I don't blame them.
So, obviously I wouldn't bother mentioning them if we didn't decide to take them up on the offer. My natural inclination is to trust people and give them a chance to prove me wrong. I'm beginning to see that this approach may be causing problems for me. Anyway, idiotic I know, but we took their word on how "nice" this apartment was. We had seen their apartment (It's a two story house with an apartment on each floor) and it was alright. It was pretty big overall, the actual bedrooms were rather small but the kitchen was big and they had a small yard with flowers and a fence so our dogs, they said, could go outside. They told us the one we'd be renting was nicer than theirs and they wanted $900/mo and heat, cable/internet, plowing, trash, garage space were all supposed to be part of the deal. I figured it may not be beautiful but how can you lie about some of that stuff, it's either there or not, it's not like we're not going to notice if there is no cable or, say, heat. Yup, that's right, heat. After we had moved all our stuff in (it was Sept 1) it began to get cold, we're in Vermont after all, and I started looking around for they way to heat the place and I was at a loss. No vents, no thermostat, or radiator - nothing. So we asked, and they simply explained that we were to plug in the electrical heaters stacked in the closet. I don't know what other people think but if we were paying our own electric bill how is electric heat included in the rent unless we take the cost of the electric used for heat out of the bill? But heating a three br apt. with electric heaters could easily be over $900/mo. So, we tried to make the best of the situation and looked at different options to heat our place. We should have just packed up and left then, honestly. I don't know how we could be so daft. Instead of sensibly leaving, we made payments on a new pellet stove figuring it would be an investment in the long run because we can take it with us when we move. It took us until November to pay the thing off. It was over two grand for the stove and the hardware needed to attach it to the wall and vent it outside and a pallet of pellets. They admitted that they had said heat was included and it was agreed that we would take the cost of pellets off rent each month. Oh, yeah.. I didn't mention that they have no heat in their unit except for a kerosene heater in the kitchen and a few electric heaters. Maybe I'm a sissy but I don't think those electric things do any good - unless it's your only choice - they suck. But they have a furnace, they own the house. Around the beginning of January they finally got 150 gallons of fuel delivered for free through SEVCA (a local organization helping 'families in need'). But then the furnace ended up breaking down after a week and they told the same place that they were renters thinking they would get more assistance than if they were home owners. But, of course, the clincher is that if they were renters then the landlord would be responsible for fixing the furnace. Which SEVCA told them clearly. The landlord would be required to fix it because it is illegal to rent an apartment out that has no source of heat.
The point of all this ranting - I don't know. I'm just so mad at the situation I got myself into. And I keep thinking about all the bad decisions I've made over time. Whenever there are two roads before me, I will, without a doubt, choose the most damaging and difficult. Obviously, there is no cable/internet, the garage space comes and goes, and the yard is filled with their huge dog's poop. So our argument is that the place is not worth $900/mo (keep in mind we are NOT in NY, this is Vermont-stuff is cheap). It needs to be painted, it leaks, and their cats poop in the hallway and we have to hear them fight all the time - I say $600 minus the cost of pellets. Am I being unrealistic? Is that unfair? Please comment if you agree or disagree with me, what would you do? Besides never have moved in in the first place.
Painted Black
I was reading some blogs that wrote about clinics in the mid-west that charged one amount for anything under 100mg of methadone and another amount for anything over. I think all clinics should do something similar. We have to pay $15/day for each of us no matter if we're on 200mg or 20mg. Methadone couldn't cost very much for the clinic to buy. Part of what we pay for are the other services like counseling and doctor visits. This latest clinic I'm at is so disorganized and poorly run, however, that I have never had a real counseling appt. and I rarely get urine screens. In some ways it can be nice that the staff is hardly involved; but in other ways it makes me appreciate past clinics where I received a lot of support from women's groups and consistent counseling.
Also, I feel like the nurses at my current clinic took my attempt to get off the methadone personally. When I realized I needed to restart the clinic I felt like they were really rude. One of the nurses said to me that they are not the ones who told me to get off my dose as if she felt like I was blaming the difficulty or lack of success on her. I thought that was unprofessional, even if I had blamed her which I don't think I did in any way. Then, another time, right in front of me as she was talking to the director over the phone about raising my dose she said, "Yeah, she went to treatment and that didn't last very long". I thought that was super unprofessional because I stayed in treatment as long as my insurance would allow, I also told the doctor there that I didn't feel ready to leave. They pretty much kicked me out. These comments are just small examples of the general attitude which seems to exist in every methadone clinic I've ever been to. Between switching my home clinic three times and dosing as a guest at various clinics while on a trip or whatever, I recall at least eight clinics I've experienced. At every one the staff seems stretched thin, overworked, burnt-out, and generally unhappy. Not like this is very different from many places of business in which I go to, people are generally unhappy everywhere these days. Especially up north where it has been cold and snow-covered for four months at least now, people are grumpy.
I'm not really sure exactly what could be changed to make clinics less frustrating places to be. They could probably use more funding, for one. If insurance companies would recognize methadone as a necessary form of medication, that would help. It is possible to be reimbursed for methadone payments, but it's not an easy thing to accomplish. Some clinics are better than others at staying organized and offering many programs to help patients take their treatment beyond simply getting a dose every day. For treatment to really be effective we need to change major life patterns. This is not something easily done. I think that clinics would have a higher success rate for people who eventually get off methadone and stay clean if they offered more programs on how to change the way we live.
I don't know, I don't even really know what I mean to say. I've been so tired lately. I don't know if it's just because I'm still sort of sick, or if it's because I feel depressed lately, or what. I just don't want to do anything but sit in my bed and watch movies. I had to force myself to mop the bathroom and kitchen floors yesterday, and clean the cat box and do dishes and take a shower. It all just seemed too energy-sapping. It's all I can do to pull myself up for work. Plus I took a break from school because the school I got my Associates Degree at doesn't have a B.A. program. So I'm trying to decide what my next move should be but in the meantime that means I'm doing nothing to further my education. Even if I'm taking only one or two classes at a time I can at least tell myself that I'm making progress. But I'm not, I'm just stagnant. All this whining just reinforces the thought that I need a drastic change to stir things up.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just drowning under all the responsibilities I should attend to but have not. I'm so bad at paying my bills on time. Mikey and I don't make a ton of money, but between the two of us we should be able to pay all our bills on time. Money doesn't seem to be the paramount issue for us, it's motivation and organization which is lacking considerably. I just don't know where to begin. I still haven't put my stuff away since we moved. I have piles of my books and all kinds of clothes and dishes and papers strewn all over the hallway to our apartment. I haven't put up curtains or put our clothes away. I used to be good at doing stuff like that, I'm not really sure what happened - I just stopped caring or maybe it stopped seeming important, I don't know. I know I need to put stuff away. I know I would feel better if the place I lived in felt better but getting from here to there seems like a superhuman feat most days. I hope one day I will feel content.
Also, I feel like the nurses at my current clinic took my attempt to get off the methadone personally. When I realized I needed to restart the clinic I felt like they were really rude. One of the nurses said to me that they are not the ones who told me to get off my dose as if she felt like I was blaming the difficulty or lack of success on her. I thought that was unprofessional, even if I had blamed her which I don't think I did in any way. Then, another time, right in front of me as she was talking to the director over the phone about raising my dose she said, "Yeah, she went to treatment and that didn't last very long". I thought that was super unprofessional because I stayed in treatment as long as my insurance would allow, I also told the doctor there that I didn't feel ready to leave. They pretty much kicked me out. These comments are just small examples of the general attitude which seems to exist in every methadone clinic I've ever been to. Between switching my home clinic three times and dosing as a guest at various clinics while on a trip or whatever, I recall at least eight clinics I've experienced. At every one the staff seems stretched thin, overworked, burnt-out, and generally unhappy. Not like this is very different from many places of business in which I go to, people are generally unhappy everywhere these days. Especially up north where it has been cold and snow-covered for four months at least now, people are grumpy.
I'm not really sure exactly what could be changed to make clinics less frustrating places to be. They could probably use more funding, for one. If insurance companies would recognize methadone as a necessary form of medication, that would help. It is possible to be reimbursed for methadone payments, but it's not an easy thing to accomplish. Some clinics are better than others at staying organized and offering many programs to help patients take their treatment beyond simply getting a dose every day. For treatment to really be effective we need to change major life patterns. This is not something easily done. I think that clinics would have a higher success rate for people who eventually get off methadone and stay clean if they offered more programs on how to change the way we live.
I don't know, I don't even really know what I mean to say. I've been so tired lately. I don't know if it's just because I'm still sort of sick, or if it's because I feel depressed lately, or what. I just don't want to do anything but sit in my bed and watch movies. I had to force myself to mop the bathroom and kitchen floors yesterday, and clean the cat box and do dishes and take a shower. It all just seemed too energy-sapping. It's all I can do to pull myself up for work. Plus I took a break from school because the school I got my Associates Degree at doesn't have a B.A. program. So I'm trying to decide what my next move should be but in the meantime that means I'm doing nothing to further my education. Even if I'm taking only one or two classes at a time I can at least tell myself that I'm making progress. But I'm not, I'm just stagnant. All this whining just reinforces the thought that I need a drastic change to stir things up.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just drowning under all the responsibilities I should attend to but have not. I'm so bad at paying my bills on time. Mikey and I don't make a ton of money, but between the two of us we should be able to pay all our bills on time. Money doesn't seem to be the paramount issue for us, it's motivation and organization which is lacking considerably. I just don't know where to begin. I still haven't put my stuff away since we moved. I have piles of my books and all kinds of clothes and dishes and papers strewn all over the hallway to our apartment. I haven't put up curtains or put our clothes away. I used to be good at doing stuff like that, I'm not really sure what happened - I just stopped caring or maybe it stopped seeming important, I don't know. I know I need to put stuff away. I know I would feel better if the place I lived in felt better but getting from here to there seems like a superhuman feat most days. I hope one day I will feel content.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Twichy Twicthenson
Can stress make your eye twitch? I'm pretty sure it can, because my right eye has like these spasms periodically throughout the year for about a week or two at a time. Maybe I need glasses too, Shit, I can barely write this post because I can't really focus on anything for very long. Does this happen to anyone else? I must seem like I have a crazy twitch to all the truckers who I have to check in. I have to scrunch my nose and rub my eyes every two seconds just to see the numbers without it feeling like my eye might fall out or pop out rather. I always think if I get sleep it will go away, yet every night when I get up for work, it's still there. Then, inexplicably, it will just go away and be fine for another few months. It's driving me crazy.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
If Things Came Easy, They Would Be More Difficult to Appreciate
First, I want to thank folks for their comments. I'm really excited about moving. It's going to take at least six months to be ready to leave. Moving the dogs is proving to be the most difficult barrier to overcome. By the way, in answer to Gledwood(I'm not yet sure of the best way to answer direct Q's posed in comments. Should I answer here in my post, or directly contact person commenting?) I guess I can't say for certain that their feet "burn" exactly. But something bad happens because they start hopping around on two feet at a time, switching it up every 30 seconds or so. Most of the time they will refuse to walk if it is too cold, or snowy, or wet and salty. Then we end up carrying them home, each of us holding three at a time, which is not easy. We've tried the little booties but their feet are so small and their legs are dainty and they inevitably fall off in the snow; even when they are snugly strapped on it makes them walk kind of like prancing horses. I guess I just figured it must burn because that is what it feels like for me when I have a cut on my hand and touch something salty or citrus-laced. But I kind of treat my pets like people and assume that they feel what I feel.I'm convinced that animals are a lot smarter than most people give them credit for. But you must have a lot of experience with witnessing animals doing things that you would never think they would be capable of. I bet we would be amazed at some of the stuff your little critters do. Some folks write about how animals don't have emotions and that always bothers me. They seem to have emotions to me, they certainly get bored and they show fear and they get stressed, right? Maybe I'm one of those crazy animal people. I do have little sweatshirts and jackets for my dogs for when it's really cold. They are also trained to go to the bathroom in a litter box inside. That way if it's really cold or when we're at work, they can still do their thing. With six of them, that's a lot of poop to pick up if there were not a specific location for them to go. they're pretty good about it too. Sorry to go on and on about doggie bathroom habits and emotions. Besides work, our dogs take up the majority of our time.
On another note, it's really hard to find information on shipping the dogs by boat from California. I've got a few leads on some shipping companies that will ship our car and some other belongings. We're thinking about having our car shipped about a month before we leave so that it gets there about the same time we do. It seems like having our car there is going to be important. If it were just a crappy beater I might not bother, but it's still a decent car. Then we were thinking of renting a vehicle to drive from Vermont to California and we're still trying to figure out if we can all (dogs included) take a boat from there or is flying the better option. I'm really not down with flying the dogs in the cargo hold of a plane which seems to be the norm. I don't think they would deal well with that. I figure there has to be an option to go by boat. How do people get horses overseas? They couldn't fly them, right? In the very least I think I'm going to learn a lot throughout this adventure. It's definitely time for a drastic change. I've been in Vermont for, like, ten years or so and I'm ready to move on.
It's okay if jobs are scarce on the Island. Neither one of us is picky about what we do. I plan on finishing school part-time and aside from that, I'll work nights at a gas station if I have to. A job is a job when you have to pay rent. I'll clean hotel rooms or whatever I have to do. And Mikey can blow glass and it seems like glass pipes might be easy to sell there because there seems to be a lot of people who smoke buds and tourists probably need pipes for their vacations because they don't want to fly with their own from home. Pretty much wherever we go we can always sell glass it seems. But hopefully we will have enough saved to live for a few months in case jobs are harder to find than we anticipate. Please don't hesitate to leave comments about anything to do with traveling overseas, especially with pets - and especially Hawaii bound. Thanks to all.
N.
On another note, it's really hard to find information on shipping the dogs by boat from California. I've got a few leads on some shipping companies that will ship our car and some other belongings. We're thinking about having our car shipped about a month before we leave so that it gets there about the same time we do. It seems like having our car there is going to be important. If it were just a crappy beater I might not bother, but it's still a decent car. Then we were thinking of renting a vehicle to drive from Vermont to California and we're still trying to figure out if we can all (dogs included) take a boat from there or is flying the better option. I'm really not down with flying the dogs in the cargo hold of a plane which seems to be the norm. I don't think they would deal well with that. I figure there has to be an option to go by boat. How do people get horses overseas? They couldn't fly them, right? In the very least I think I'm going to learn a lot throughout this adventure. It's definitely time for a drastic change. I've been in Vermont for, like, ten years or so and I'm ready to move on.
It's okay if jobs are scarce on the Island. Neither one of us is picky about what we do. I plan on finishing school part-time and aside from that, I'll work nights at a gas station if I have to. A job is a job when you have to pay rent. I'll clean hotel rooms or whatever I have to do. And Mikey can blow glass and it seems like glass pipes might be easy to sell there because there seems to be a lot of people who smoke buds and tourists probably need pipes for their vacations because they don't want to fly with their own from home. Pretty much wherever we go we can always sell glass it seems. But hopefully we will have enough saved to live for a few months in case jobs are harder to find than we anticipate. Please don't hesitate to leave comments about anything to do with traveling overseas, especially with pets - and especially Hawaii bound. Thanks to all.
N.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Time For A Change
Mikey and I are seriously considering a big move, somewhere no where near Vermont. Our dogs hate the snow and they won't walk outside if it's too deep, a foot is over their heads, and the salt makes their feet burn. We want to move to the Big Island, Hawaii, ideally. It actually is beginning to look like a realistic goal. The thing I'm having the most difficulty with is figuring out how to get all six Chihuahuas and three cats over there - I really don't have it in me to leave them behind. There must be a way other than flying them. I flew my dog I used to have home from Oregon to Massachusetts and he's hated me ever since. He didn't even want to move to Vermont after that traumatic experience. He freaked out and decided he would only stay with my mom who happens to be the person who picked him up at the airport. And the chichis just can't handle it, they are so finicky. They fly them like they're regular inanimate cargo, like food or tires. I want to take them and my car over by boat. Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone ever taken a boat from California to Hilo, Hawaii? Please let me know if you have any ideas. I've been checking out apartments and houses to rent within a half hour of Hilo - looks good on that front. Other islands were really expensive but Hilo has better deals than Vermont and we're one of the poorest states out there. There are a ton of jobs and a methadone clinic. Also let me know if you have any experience with the Hilo methadone clinic or travelling on methadone. Has anyone ever received travel bottles from their clinic to drive across country? We want to ship the basic stuff like our clothes and Mikey's glass blowing equipment. We can stash most of our stuff at my mom's house until we know if we're staying for a while. We are thinking about selling all our furniture and the pellet stove we just bought this fall and just blasting in a few months. I really want to have an apartment to move into right when we get there, I know it is possible to rent a place out from someone over the Internet - craigslist has a ton of cool listings. If anyone knows of a place for rent outside of Hilo with a nice yard for under $850.00 a month, let me know about it - we're hoping to move by the fall at the latest. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. I always felt like I really needed to live near my family in case there was an emergency - but there is always an emergency and I hardly see them as it is. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked to find that I see them more once we move. It makes life seem less daunting when you have something to work towards. There is a University of Hawaii campus right in Hilo so I can finish school and I'm sure Mikey could blow glass there as well as anywhere. I really can't see a reason not to move. 'If you're not livin good, travel wide' right?
Another Uneventful 24 Hours
I saw a terrible movie yesterday. Mikey and I always watch a movie in the a.m. after we get out of work. We work 7 p.m. - 7 a.m. Monday - Thursday. It's pretty exhausting but I get a lot of free time to mess about on the Internet, or read, or anything within reason really as long as I do my job when a truck comes along. So anyway I convinced Mikey to buy a used movie out of one of those red dollar a day rental machines they have at supermarkets these days (at least they are everywhere around here). I thought it sounded entertaining, "Kush", about some guys who sell weed and gets robbed and whatnot. Well, folks, don't waste your time or money, it was soooo bad, I actually fell asleep near the end and I'm surprised I made it that long into this thing. We watch a ton of movies because we don't have cable even though it was supposed to be included in our rental agreement. Our landlords don't pay any bills, not like I pay mine on time every month either but I'm only responsible for myself. So, yeah, we have tons of DVDs and now I have one more I will probably never watch again. There are some crappy movies out there and some horrible actors but seriously this was some of the worst acting I've ever been witness to. It was like they were reading lines off the back of their hands. It had to be written by some kids who made some money off selling and maybe growing some good weed and figured, "Hey, this would make a cool movie." Haven't we all thought that at some point? You're out there doing some crazy shit and you turn to whoever you're with and all, "This could be a movie, for real." Well, someone actually followed through with such a thought and the outcome was this movie which could have been okay but it seemed like the actors just had no clue about the lifestyle they were acting out. They kept throwing out all these terms like 'custie' and 'kush' and talking about weighing buds and making three gram eights and shit but it just didn't seem realistic to me, at all. So only check out this movie if you want to see a long, drawn out, emotionless portrayal of the weed scene sprinkled throughout with anti-drug messages in the form of immature and irresponsible dealers and abusive crackhead boyfriends.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Has anyone ever told you that to Assume only makes an ass out of you and me?
Seriously, people, blogs are personal opinions. They are a place for people to write what they want to write on THEIR sites, if you don't like what a person has to say than perhaps you should check out some different sites. Also, you really shouldn't assume that you know exactly what a person has been through.
So, to all the people who leave thoughtful, constructive comments - how do you deal with the people who write nasty stuff and then are too cowardly to identify themselves? Does it make you sad, or hurt that some people can be so judgemental and quick to jump to conclusions? Because even though I don't know who is reading this and who the people on the other end are, it does affect my mindset. It makes me wonder about people and why they do the things they do.
On the topic of methadone and take-homes - again - some of the most fucked up people I know get take-homes. People who you know are still using (because it takes one to know one, and you can just tell when you see them in town or at the clinic), people who take all their take-homes in a couple days and then wait it out or buy more methadone. Also, I know really good people who try like hell and can't get take-homes (not even storm bottles) because they owe a balance, not because they are lazy and don't work, because they have kids and bills and get paid minimum wage. Let's say, for example, that you think you are ready to get off methadone because you've been on it for a really long time and you have a pretty good life - then you are not on a "stable" dose anymore and no longer are able to receive take-homes. Just like you can't generally change your dose while you are host (guest, whatever you want to call it) dosing. There are many, many reasons that people don't get take-homes and I PERSONALLY, not YOU, I believe that not all of the reasons are legitimate. You don't have to agree with me, no one has to agree with me. It is simply what I think.
This whole blog business is all about just putting what we think out there. I try to check out people who seem to be interested in the same stuff as myself or are going through something similar - just to connect in some way with other humans who are similar. It makes the world seem less like a maze filled with ghosts who don't hear you speaking.
Has anyone read "Tweak" by Nic Sheff. I just finished it and I really identified with it in a lot of ways. It's about a guy who is addicted to crystal meth and heroin mostly and about the end of his using and the struggle he goes through trying to get clean. Even though he had experiences that were totally different from my own, they were also totally the same in so many ways. He writes really honestly about his emotions and so much of what he writes resonates within me. Reading it printed so matter-of-factly makes it seem so obvious but just because something is cognitively obvious does not make it easy to grasp at or change. In the beginning of his book he writes' "I always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly. I can't do a job and not put everything I have into it. I need to be the best employee, the best coworker, the best whatever. I need everyone to like me and I just burn out bending over backward to make that happen. Having people be mad at me is my worst fear. I can't stand it. There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone - even people I don't care about." This is totally how I am and I think the key is the whole rejection thing, as addicts so many of us are trying to block out our own minds, we hate ourselves and try to overcome that feeling by being accepted by others and really the hardest thing of all is to learn to accept ourselves. He was really lucky in that he was able to spend a really long time at a rehab facility that worked really deeply with their patients - I wish all addicts seeking help could have that opportunity. I think long term residential treatment is the most successful and it is unfortunate that such a thing is not easy to find unless you are really rich or maybe really poor. I know my insurance does not cover it, plus it's difficult to explain to your job why you need to take three months off work to get off a medication or illicit drugs - whatever it is you need to get off. Anyway, I recommend his book to anyone who may be trying to get clean and is struggling with it. It can be difficult to read at times because it hits so close to home - but if you are really ready to move on with sobriety I think it should be stuff you are starting to think about anyway.
I feel a lot better being on a really low dose of methadone. I don't feel as sluggish. This never would have been enough for me five years ago. I absolutely would have craved using on 30 mg. But now I feel pretty normal, especially if I don't forget to take my other medication for anxiety and depression. I guess I need to see that as progress - it is progress. Just want to end with some positive whatever going out to those still using and all those struggling to stay clean. We're not alone, there are a lot of us out there, keep on getting on.
N.
So, to all the people who leave thoughtful, constructive comments - how do you deal with the people who write nasty stuff and then are too cowardly to identify themselves? Does it make you sad, or hurt that some people can be so judgemental and quick to jump to conclusions? Because even though I don't know who is reading this and who the people on the other end are, it does affect my mindset. It makes me wonder about people and why they do the things they do.
On the topic of methadone and take-homes - again - some of the most fucked up people I know get take-homes. People who you know are still using (because it takes one to know one, and you can just tell when you see them in town or at the clinic), people who take all their take-homes in a couple days and then wait it out or buy more methadone. Also, I know really good people who try like hell and can't get take-homes (not even storm bottles) because they owe a balance, not because they are lazy and don't work, because they have kids and bills and get paid minimum wage. Let's say, for example, that you think you are ready to get off methadone because you've been on it for a really long time and you have a pretty good life - then you are not on a "stable" dose anymore and no longer are able to receive take-homes. Just like you can't generally change your dose while you are host (guest, whatever you want to call it) dosing. There are many, many reasons that people don't get take-homes and I PERSONALLY, not YOU, I believe that not all of the reasons are legitimate. You don't have to agree with me, no one has to agree with me. It is simply what I think.
This whole blog business is all about just putting what we think out there. I try to check out people who seem to be interested in the same stuff as myself or are going through something similar - just to connect in some way with other humans who are similar. It makes the world seem less like a maze filled with ghosts who don't hear you speaking.
Has anyone read "Tweak" by Nic Sheff. I just finished it and I really identified with it in a lot of ways. It's about a guy who is addicted to crystal meth and heroin mostly and about the end of his using and the struggle he goes through trying to get clean. Even though he had experiences that were totally different from my own, they were also totally the same in so many ways. He writes really honestly about his emotions and so much of what he writes resonates within me. Reading it printed so matter-of-factly makes it seem so obvious but just because something is cognitively obvious does not make it easy to grasp at or change. In the beginning of his book he writes' "I always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly. I can't do a job and not put everything I have into it. I need to be the best employee, the best coworker, the best whatever. I need everyone to like me and I just burn out bending over backward to make that happen. Having people be mad at me is my worst fear. I can't stand it. There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone - even people I don't care about." This is totally how I am and I think the key is the whole rejection thing, as addicts so many of us are trying to block out our own minds, we hate ourselves and try to overcome that feeling by being accepted by others and really the hardest thing of all is to learn to accept ourselves. He was really lucky in that he was able to spend a really long time at a rehab facility that worked really deeply with their patients - I wish all addicts seeking help could have that opportunity. I think long term residential treatment is the most successful and it is unfortunate that such a thing is not easy to find unless you are really rich or maybe really poor. I know my insurance does not cover it, plus it's difficult to explain to your job why you need to take three months off work to get off a medication or illicit drugs - whatever it is you need to get off. Anyway, I recommend his book to anyone who may be trying to get clean and is struggling with it. It can be difficult to read at times because it hits so close to home - but if you are really ready to move on with sobriety I think it should be stuff you are starting to think about anyway.
I feel a lot better being on a really low dose of methadone. I don't feel as sluggish. This never would have been enough for me five years ago. I absolutely would have craved using on 30 mg. But now I feel pretty normal, especially if I don't forget to take my other medication for anxiety and depression. I guess I need to see that as progress - it is progress. Just want to end with some positive whatever going out to those still using and all those struggling to stay clean. We're not alone, there are a lot of us out there, keep on getting on.
N.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Vastly Disappointed in Vermont....
Life is hard and I find myself thinking so much about all that is wrong with the world that I tend to forget about everything I have that I should be grateful for. I know that sounds like some recovery bullshit - but I mean it in the most sincere way possible. My life is far from perfect but I find that if I think about what I do have instead of dwell on all that I have yet to accomplish, I actually get further from the places I don't want to be. I am so disappointed in myself that I could not make it all the way off the done program. I know that five years doesn't seem like a long time for folks who have been on it for twenty-five years - but we're talking about FIVE years of my life, five years of having to be at a creepy clinic every morning to jump through hoops of pink methadone. However, as much as I think there is wrong with the methadone system, it's better than being out there using in the current War on Drugs climate. Just the few days that I was out relapsing made me remember just how crappy it is to have to be at the mercy of whomever it is who has my drugs that day. Don't get me wrong, we're at the mercy of those running the clinics, and I have very strong feelings in regards to the belief that clinics are merely legal drug dealers; yet there still seems to be just a shred more dignity left inside me when I walk out of the clinic than when I walk out of some shitty dope spot. So in this situation I have to remember how long it took for me to get in to the clinic to begin with, I have to remember how bad it feels to be sick and that so many people have to drive hours every day for their dose. I tend to be pissed that I got kicked out of the clinic in my own town (for what I obviously think are poor reasons) and I should be glad that there is at least an alternative within a thirty-minute drive and I should be even more grateful that I have a reliable ride in my boyfriend's vehicle. In the days during my relapse I ran into the two people who we got kicked out with due to an argument on clinic property and they are full-fledged back on dope and look awful and skinny and are living on the floor in the back of some leech's apartment. In a rather related rant; how can the people running these clinics preach that they are there to help, as opposed to being there to make a bundle of money off addicts, when they kick people out for typical addict behavior knowing full well that they will in all likelihood go right back to using? These people were doing well at the clinic, especially compared to where they had been. The clinic director knew the probability of these two going right back to the streets and he can still fall asleep at night? There could have been so many alternative ways to punish us, ways in which we would have learned a lesson and grew as people, ways in which we could have given back to the clinic community and still been humbled but not entirely destroyed; yet this director chose to punish us in the worst way possible and single-handedly turned the lives of four people into a tumult because he was scared of the poor image that would be reflected upon the clinic because of our behavior. I find this is a common attitude among clinic directors and their staff; but to open a clinic which is a business profiting off the disease of addiction and then become irate when your customers act like addicts seems foolish to me. If these people who open these clinics were not prepared for controversy than perhaps a methadone clinic was not the best business choice for them. On a positive note - those of us who have benefited from methadone in many ways, but who feel clinics leave much to be desired, need to band together and make the public recognize that we deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. There are a lot of people across the globe on methadone who are valid members of their communities, as if all people aren't valid in some way or another, but what I mean is that we work and/or go to school, raise families, and contribute to society while not continuing to use illicit drugs. We shouldn't have to revolve our lives entirely around our daily dose, we shouldn't have to fight with insurance companies to be covered for a legit medication, we shouldn't feel like we are at the mercy of anyone, we should be able to go on vacations and not be forced to endanger our lives when we have to drive hours in the worst weather to get our medication. State and Federal governments are making arbitrary laws based on statistics at best and personal misconceptions at worst, and we need them to make laws that make sense for the real people who are using the real services in our daily lives. We need to let lawmakers know that there are real, living and dying people behind the numbers and we are sick of being held prisoner in liquid handcuffs and we are tired of living with the stigma of addiction which for most of us is caused by a pre-existing psychological disorder such as anxiety or depression but could be anything. We are the only ones who can put an end to harsher sentencing for drug addicts than rapists and pedophiles.....And anyway, thanks for reading my rant. The point I guess I was working towards is that as much as I'm disappointed in myself for not reaching my ultimate goal at this time, I'm sort of proud of myself for at least choosing the lesser of the two evils because at least on the methadone I am stable enough to change all the other crap going on around me which makes me unhappy. And thanks to all of you who have been checking in on this blog and power to all of us who have to suffer with this addiction for the rest of our days.
N.
N.
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