It's the hard knock Life for Us!

I wrote this days ago and never posted it. I'll post it now, don't have time to re-read so God knows what I've written. Oh well, I'm sure it will be entertaining for now. Leaving civilization today. heading up north with Mike for a bit. Not getting "back together" per say, but I need time away from this area and helping out up there will fit the bill. Peace out to everyone who has been there for me through weird shit and "good" times too. love to you all from the lifelong "junkie loser" - strange how that doesn't really upset me. Is it such a bad thing to be. Maybe nobody says I want to be a junkie when I grow up because nobody knows it's an option.

Remember the shit? That movie, Annie, about the red-headed orphan? That sit's funny, it came on tv while I was sleeping, sort of, and I've ended up watching it. Who plays Miss Hannigan? She does a great job playing a drunk, heartless bitch.

Sometimes I prefer old movies to the new movies out nowadays. All the people aren't super perfect, perfect skin, perfect bodies, perfect everything.....they look more real, just like the rest of us. I think that the way people are portrayed in magazines and film these days is super detrimental to the collective soul of our world. It's not realistic, everyone knows that, yet we all still strive to attain such perfection. Perfection that will never come to us, ever, no matter how hard we try, how many products we use, or how many surgeries we have.

Ah, shit, Miss Hannigan just fixes the picture by tilting it when it was straight to begin with. After she wakes up with a bottle in her hand next to her bathtub gin........funny shit. She tries to seduce Daddy Warbucks.....I need my own Daddy Morebucks.......

I have to stop doing this white shit. I'm going to kill myself with a heart attack. Some kid I sort of chilled with in high school just died from an OD, heroin, but it's easier, I think to OD on coke. Because with dope you generally nod out or fall asleep before you die. Coke just makes you want more and more until your heart pops or something. I wish it were gone.

Why do so many women have a thing for a bad boy image? Do we like the torture? Is life too boring without it for us? I wish I were average, ordinary, blind like it seems so many are. It seems like life would be so much easier if I were one of those people who worked the same job for twenty five years without missing more than. like, five days ever. How do they do that? I can't imagine being at any of the jobs I've had in my life for that long. But some people not only accomplish it, but they seem actually okay, maybe even content if not exactly happy. They have happy, or really truly stimulating moments every so often....a child is born or someone dies, a holiday comes around and it's just so fuckin pleasant for them to focus on that and make it worth living for. For me, it's just so difficult to maintain one personality, or situation for very long. I need there to be unknowns, surprises, something to trip me up, make my blood pump hard. Without that I get too antsy and create situations in which I need to function at a higher, faster level than everyday life.

yesterday I could have stayed here, safely, with no problems at all and gone Christmas shopping and errands and shit for my Mom. But the very thought makes me want to puke. Instead I deliberately put myself in danger by driving an hour or more to a city to meet a man who does not ever have my best interests at heart, only trouble is in his heart. But I wanted the trouble, the closeness to the edge is stimulating. Will we get caught? Will we die? Will we go to jail? Is he lying? I kind of enjoy the not knowing, it scares me as much as it intrigues me. Am I warped? Other people must feel that desire to be close to death or destruction just to see if they can make it through. Anyone who does an extreme sport is certainly flirting with death? What I do is similar to that of an athlete addicted to the adrenaline the sport creates for them. Mine is just a less healthy, overall, addiction.

Mikey just had to hide the rest of the yayo from me so I don't sit here all ganked out all day writing stupid shit on the internet. My arms are busted, but I like scars. What's his face has a scar down his left side below his eye. It's pretty big but it blends in well and I personally think it's sexy as hell. I wish my scar that I got when I fell was more like a real scar, well part of it is a real scar, over my eye. I definitely needed stitches and had a concussion but I didn't want to go to the hospital but ended up having to anyhow in the long run because the clinic wouldn't dose me with my eye all busted until the hospital cleared me for a head trauma. So I should have just gone to begin with and maybe my scar would have come out better. Above the place where there was a deep cut there was another patch that wasn't quite so deep. But as it's healing it looks retarded because it just looks like rug burn now. Of course I have to get a doofy scar and not a cool one. I guess facial scars are better on men anyhow. I've dated a couple guys with substantial facial scars. Not, like, all over their faces but a big one down the side. Both what's his face and my boy Anthony from back in the day have scars like that. Mad sexy.

What's his face just called. He said he would but I try never to wait for anything he promises with great anticipation because I know he will disappoint if I wait for it. But if I pretend I don't care he has to call to make sure he's still got me by at least a little thread. The more I seem to give the less interested he seems. I think he may be jealous because he finally listened to me just now and realized I was going far away from him for a while, with my ex no less, so he said he would call me right back but now I haven't heard back from him in a few hours. But I won't call him back, no he'll call me when he can't take it anymore, I hope. If not, at least I know the name of the program he's going to so I can find him if I want to later.

Today was, well, I don't really know what to say about today. It should be over but it's not....it's still going, I'm still going....strong. I was taking suboxone for a few days, in fact I took it today as well and didn't use any H, but I'm pretty amped up on some damn good coke at the moment. Not my usual drug of choice but not, certainly, something I'm going to turn down given the opportunity. My crush of all crushes did call me over the week that my phone was broken and I was hiding away, sick as hell, up in the North country. He had his court date and wanted to see me before he went away. Although I'm not so sure that he would care to see me so much if I didn't show up with a car to haul his ass around all day and night. Plus I bring him shit to sell or simply share my money so we can both get high. What addict wouldn't want to hang out with some pretty girl who was so in love with them that they would risk their own safety in order to please them. I know it's pathetic, but I almost don't care because I really do love him, all his faults of which there are many, and his monstrous beauty. He scares me and confuses me and I know he doesn't feel exactly the same about me. I honestly can't tell how he feels about me at all. One moment he's telling me we'll live in the shelter together and get an apartment through the state and live there together, and the next he's giving me the most pitiful hug goodbye that I was actually horrified and insulted and called him out on it. I swear he tries to start a fight with me every time we part because it's easier for him to leave when he's angry. I hate that, I want to have a heartfelt goodbye. If he's going to a program, or jail if he doesn't set the program shit up, for six months to what could be fifteen years than I want a real hug and kiss goodbye. I mean seriously....is he fucking fucked or what? It drives me crazy. He drives me crazy, but I love it. I love the challenge. (why and how can I taste the coke in my mouth when I put it in a vein? It's crazy but I can't see how some folks can do this every day. It's way too much, I prefer to be brought down rather than forced up. I'm pretty amped all on my own without much help.......eeeeek, hot damn! this shit is Sta..rong!)

I've been awake now for far too long. Mikey passed out hours ago - not really into the yay even though he's the one who hooked it up. He should know better than to leave me alone at night with a gram of coke. I haven't done it all but it's only because it's so good I couldn't have without making myself sick. A gram of dope would be a different story. That wouldn't be around for very long at all. But then again dope doesn't make my heart feel like it's about to explode.

Anyhow, Mike and I are staying at my mom's house through Christmas because she seems to want us to be here for the holiday. But then we're going to head back up north. I'm going to stay up there and help him with his house for a while, and hopefully it will help me stay out of trouble. With what's his face in a rehab program for an indefinite period and me far too far away to get to him, maybe, just maybe I'll get over it/him. But I also don't feel like it's right to make Mikey think that everything is fine and I'm gonna just go right back to him. After feeling such intense attraction to someone else I realize that he is more my best friend than anything. But he realized, after I wasn't there anymore, that he was in love with me and he wants me to simply move there with him and have kids and live in this weird border town. I just don't think I can do that. Mikey knows all about what's his face, everyone does. I really suck at lying or even just keeping things to myself. Everyone in my fam knows where I've been these past weeks. They all know I relapsed and fell in love with a crackhead, dopehead, felon asshole who happens to be unbearably magnetic as far as I'm concerned. I doubt there are very many women in this world who wouldn't find him alluring. Without knowing all the details of his life, just meeting him is something to throw anyone for a loop. And he just happens to be all the things I find must be a trait in any man of mine. I really don't think he feels the same, and that sucks. But maybe it's a blessing. Maybe I can find someone else I'm as drawn to who isn't so emotionally unavailable and complicated.

Life.....Still F'd

Wow-eeeee, oh so, SO much has happened since last I posted. I spiraled away into a black hole of using for about the last three weeks (well, no it's been exactly a month, now that I consult a calendar since the show, Nov. 19th) - but this was a binger way crazier than anything or anywhere I have ever gone before. The catalyst for my recent breakdown was trying to live with my family and trying so hard to fit into a town that is just too stuffy and straight-laced, I had so much steam to blow off I just couldn't control myself. I can't even say it's over but I'm not using today. I made it from here to there a hard way - by making myself get stuck in the north country with no shit, nobody to get shit from except Mikey with his suboxone. So I had to wait until I was sick enough and then I gave in and took some suboxone and now here I am fake "clean", barely maintained on synthetic heroin that the govt. can regulate and feel good about. fuck that. But it's better than being sick and better than compromising my soul to get high everyday. But I don't know how long I will be able to stay at this pace, this level, I am an addict at heart and never really stop thinking about my first and strongest love which is heroin. Suboxone keeps me from being physically ill but it's never worked well for me for very long. As an addict it's too hard for me to regulate myself. I can play with that shit too easily - take it when I want to and not when I don't. Use, get sick, maintain, fumble and cycle back around all over again.

But for the last week I've been staying up in the far North with Mikey, the ex, I know......but it's the only safe place I have right now. He's gutting a house up there which he bought outright over the summer. It might just be crazy and intense enough of a situation to keep me pumped enough not to use for a while. Sleeping in a tent inside a gutted building in eight degree temps, scaling roofs covered in snow to install our wood stove and meeting some crazy people who work the border - pretty interesting. And for now it's keeping me off the streets which is where I have been since that night I met my latest downfall. I have to finish up this post because I am currently at my mother's house gathering some things to bring back north and she needs me to go to the grocery store for her - ah, how things just never change, right back in the old groove of icky. But you have to give to get, right? I just feel like I give a lot and then get weird things I don't really want in return. Although I do know I owe my mother right now - at least payback for the craziness she's witnessed from me and the worry I've caused. It's the least I can do I suppose - I just hate it though.

Anyway, I'll try to post again later because I know everyone really wants to know what happened on the streets of Worcester with my crazy man over the past month. And of course that is the juicy story. Oh boy-o am I hung up on the baddest boy I could possibly find. But isn't he just the most alluring motherfucker on the planet to me. He's like a magnet for me - I can feel him pulling me from here as I sit writing this. We've spent many a night tramping the streets since that first - and I should be running from him in the opposite direction. But that just isn't what I want to do. I want to burrow into him, be part of his being, and never be broken apart. And I know there is a part of him that feels the same way........but we're like that doofy eminem song..."When a volcano meets a tornado"........that's us. It's been a wild ride........

......to be continued. Soon, I hope.

Until then, keep on keeping on the best we can.

Life is F'd

I haven't posted at all lately because my computer (laptop) was stolen out of my car. Why was is there that night? I don'y know, it shouldn't have been. It should have been at home, I should have been at home.
I have sooooo much I want to say, I feel like my head is exploding. I'm so used to blogging as an outlet and I just don't have that right now. I need to figure out a way to get a new comp, or use the town library in the meantime.
life sucks right now. I totally relapsed. I've gone off the deep end, I've been doing crazy shit that I didn't even do ever before when I was at my very worst using drugs back in the day. I've been "clean" for so long. I used qouatation marks because I've only been really clean from opiates and hard drugs. I still smoke weed and take my meds, which are certainly drugs. I just don't believe how fast and crazy shit like this can happen.
It all started because I went to Worcester, Mass to try to meet up with my sister to get some xanax or klonopins or something cuz I was all out. But pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong did just that. My phone died, and I had no charger so I couldn't call my sister and the show seemed like it had already started by the time I got there, and shakedown (the area where people sell anything from crystals to stickers to heroin, usually). But this shakedown sucked. And by the time I was there, it was all over. My mind was working all on it's own. My feet took themselves to the exact place I knew I needed to be even though I'd never copped in Worcester before, it was as if I knew my way around already. Within minutes of showing up at the spot, I found myself being carried along by a huge man. I wasn't really paying attention to him, I just wanted to score. He smelled clean and I wasn't getting a bad vibe about him. So He found me what I wanted and a clean needle and he brought me to a quiet hallway where I could boot up.
I don't look at people very closely when meeting them. I go more on feeling. Can I feel like this is a good person. And I just felt safe with him. WE did our shit and then we were just sitting there talking. And he must be very insecure beuase he asked me if he was handsome. And I honestly hadn't really looked at him until he said that directly, so I had to look at him closely now. I wanted to know now, was he handsome. A lot of the kids I've always copped from have been good looking but there are always nso young and hardly speak english, I've just never hit it off with a street dealer before. But here I am lookinh at him, finally, and he is not just handsome, he's magneticaaly beautiful. He draws you in with a look. I never should have looked. I wish I'd never met this torturous male siren, with the fullest lips and humungous brown eyes. And because we both were high I don't rememenber the specifics of how I ended up straddling him (clothes on, thank you very much) But he must have said something to get me there because I'm very shy and insecure and I never would have approaced such beauty without an invitation.
I have to go, this is my brother's computer and I need to get going. More later, because the story nis not even close to over. My heart is breaking, and I know he wants me too but I don't know if he knows what to make of me, we are so different.