How do I always manage to find these people? It just occurred to me that part of it is that they all, most recently anyhow, have been connected to the methadone clinic. I thought maybe this time I had done better because this girl didn't ever do heroin. She became addicted to her pain meds after a surgery she had after having her kids. So I though that since she didn't smoke weed and never really was part of a drug scene that maybe she would be different than the people who had. I thought maybe she would have her shit together more. But the more time that goes by I'm finding her to be very needy. I hate that in a friend. When a friendship becomes off balance and there is always one who needs something and then always the other one giving, it isn't really a friendship anymore. It's now a relationship of a whole different color. I feel like when I'm always the one who is giving it starts to suck me dry and I begin to resent the relationship. For some reason it seems like all the people I ever connect with are like this.
And I have to believe that in some way it is a reflection of myself. I have a difficult time being comfortable around people who aren't like that because I never really spent any time with people who were stable. Ever. Like never in my whole life, aside from in passing, have I ever really gotten to know anyone who kept a full time job, didn't get a bitter divorce, wasn't on loads of psychiatric drugs, dealing with legal issues, or a massive drug problem; or possibly a combination of those. I don't know anyone really happy and successful. No one who loves what they do. I wish I had someone near me who I really respected so I could see what they do and then copy them. Because isn't that really how humans learn everything? Isn't that why Rosetta stone is so effective? Because not only do you see the words, you see the action, you do the action yourself and then call it what it is. I wish I had someone who could show me the day to day activities of a happy, successful person. It's like learning anything. If you try to teach yourself something by reading books about it and then trial and error, you may eventually become competent. But it would be much more effective and probably faster if you could study along with someone who is already proficient in the thing you want to do. Hence, schools and teachers. Why don't we just let our children go out there and figure it out? It probably wouldn't be that effective.
Well, anyway. I'm trying to set my life up so that I spend more time around people who I want to emulate. In five years I don't want to be reading old posts and thinking, "My, nothing has changed. I'm still floundering and unsatisfied with life". I want to be able to look at my life and not feel like a failure. I want to have friends who I love and respect. I want to be around people I admire, not people I pity and resent. And I think for that to happen I have to have more respect for myself.
I think I took a positive step in that direction by finally breaking up with Mikey. And I'm really happy that we have been able to remain friends. We see each other every couple of weeks - because he's been living at a friend's house about an hour from me since, probably, May or June. And I miss him sometimes, but overall my stress level has decreased significantly. I sleep better, I get more exercise. Overall I just take better care of myself because I'm not playing mommy to him. But I'm so totally not ready to begin dating anyone else right now. Eventually I do want to meet someone, and I really want kids someday and I'm worried I'm getting too old. I'm terrified I'm going to be one of the women in the world who hits early menopause and can't have kids because I waited too long.
And then other times I think that it's selfish to want kids so badly when the world is so overpopulated. And I would definitely adopt but I wouldn't be allowed probably because of my history with drugs, right? And I couldn't afford it. Doesn't it cost a ton to adopt children? You would think with all the kids dying and starving all over the world they would give one to me. I might be wacky but I'd be a great mom. I know I'd at least be better than some. This girl I was talking about earlier (I would never write this if I ever, ever, ever thought she would read it, but there's no way in frozen hell. So it's okay...right?) swears and screams at her kids every time I'm on the phone with her. I want to say something, but how? What? It will not go over well. No one likes to be told what to do with their kids. Especially by someone who doesn't have kids of their own. It's just too easy to dismiss what they're saying because it comes from someone who has no clue what it's like to be them. But I do know how much I still remember the fucked up things my mom said to me and this lady is worse. I'm trying to talk to her and I can barely make out what she's saying because her kids are being so loud in the background. And it's every single time I talk to her. So then she's like, "Hold on, will ya?.......Shut THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!". I don't even know how to react.
Okay, I know this sounds so awful. How did I become friends with this person to begin with? Using the word friend is, well, not quite accurate I guess. Because we don't know each other very well. I guess it's a relationship which was going from acquaintance towards a fledgling friendship when it hit a rut at way too needy and I'm getting nervous and want to abandon the whole thing but feel like I'm in too deep. Yikes!
Okay. Instead of panicking and doing something I'll regret, I'm going to take it slow. I'll try to assert myself in the meantime so that I don't end up spending too much time on the phone giving advice or listening to her scream at her kids. School starts soon and I'm thinking once she has had some time to herself I could begin to let her know that it bothers me that she talks to her kids like that. Maybe. What do you guys think? Do you say anything in this situation? Okay, I'm not going to ramble anymore about this until I get some advice of my own.