Friday, August 20, 2010

If You're not Willing to Change - You should shut up and not complain

It seems to me that as a person gets older they should begin to realize that they are but a speck on the surface of earth, and earth is but a speck in the vastness of the universe. Therefore, all their personal, crappy little problems are so meaningless in the greater scheme of things that they may as well not worry about things they can't change. How does a person go through life day after day, year after year and not eventually learn what they need to do to make themselves happy? Or at least learn to be happy with what they've got? Do some people just feel more comfortable in a state of unhappiness? Are they so used to being unhappy that they don't know how to be happy?

I feel like my mother is one of these people. And her unhappiness is affecting all of us, it always has. It's why I left at such a young age to begin with and why I desperately wish I could leave now. But I have to admit I've made some brash choices in the past in my scurrying, anxious, dash to escape this place and now I have to suck it up in order to get my shit together so I can eventually live a peaceful, fulfilling life. But I have to say, it's hard, day to day to not simply explode on her, to say "Just Shut UP! Stop complaining, you have such a great life! So many people would be so happy to have what you have, you could do anything!". And I pretty much did just that this morning. I feel bad, sort of. I didn't swear, I didn't actually tell her to shut up, though she did say that to me. But I did say I couldn't take her being so angry all the time, and then taking that anger out on me. It's exhausting. Listening to her and my sister complain lately is taking up hours and hours of my day. Time I need to be job searching and finishing up my room so I can move on in this life. I need a car but I need a job to get a car and I need a car to get a my mom is going to have to honor her promise to let me use the car until I save up for my own. She promised that if I broke up with Mike (therefore losing the only car we both had, bc he gets it bc he bought it) that she would help by replacing what he did for me until I could get it myself. Her family certainly did that for her plenty of times. She wouldn't...essentially she wouldn't even BE if it weren't for her mother and then subsequently the family business not entirely supporting her lifestyle. I stayed with him as long as I did because we shared too many things. I would be lost without his help for a while. And she promised to help me, something she hasn't done effectively since I was very young. She was always good with little kids. But anyone over twelve, she's lost, she has no clue what to say or do. Maybe it's just that she is such a child herself. I feel like I've been her parent for so long. To this day I have to sit there and listen to her for hours, literally, hours going on and on about my father and his lack of paying on time. They've been divorced for so long I don't even know exactly - over ten years for sure, probably closer to fifteen. Get over it already!! All your kids are grown, he has another family, he's old and doesn't really have any money anymore, does he really still owe her anything? Who agrees with her? Go on, tell me if you do, I hear her side all the time, I know the argument but I just think she should be living on her own by now, she would be able to just fine if she weren't so bad with money.
Get this, probably two years ago she buys this bedroom set. A bed, two dressers, a side table, a bunch of mirrors to go above the tables, there was a tall dresser too. It was beautiful, really, it was made from this rich, dark wood - but the problem was that it was HUGE! I mean really huge. And it must have cost a fortune, probably between five and seven thousand for the set. Like, did she measure anything before buying it? Apparently not because it totally didn't fit in her room at all. I can't believe they even got it upstairs. Anyway, she had to give the tall dresser to my brother for his room, the other two ended up covering over one of her windows once the mirror was attached and you could just barely walk around the bed, it took up the whole room! It was awful. But we all, for a full two years, had to go along with admiring how nice it was. (because if anyone criticizes her she has a fit - might even threaten suicide actually) But finally she realizes it's hideous. She doesn't realize, of course, that that means we've all been lying to her for all this time. That would require some self-reflection and thinking through an uncomfortable situation, and that just wouldn't do. So two years after spending that kind of money she decides it's awful and she can't live like that. So she takes everything out - and most of it is still sitting in our garage, getting ruined so we can't even sell it. And now she has bought a new bed (and a new daybed for the spare room while she was at it, "It was on sale Nellie" so she saved money, duh!) a bunch of new dressers, side tables, a little desk, new curtains, and God knows what else that I may or may not have seen. She even goes so far as to hide things because sometimes even she knows it's too far. And then she wants me to sit there and listen to her complain about money. But I'm not allowed to say anything about the spending, and I can't offer suggestions on how to be frugal and save - because she doesn't really want to know these things. She just wants to bitch. And I just can't take it anymore.
This week has been particularly bad. Between her and my sister who does the same thing only it's about sort of different subjects. She bitches about her lack of ability to get her own classroom her first year out of school and her boyfriend who she won't leave but who she really hates.

I'm just so sick of all these Negative Nancy's. I just want to be around people who are trying to better themselves. I'm tired of the whining. So I've gotten my whining out for the day. I have too much to do to sit around complaining. Sorry to have subjected the cyberworld to my negativity. It has to go somewhere.


Jeannie said...

Your Mom sounds like both my sister and my sister-in-law. They both want to have everything they want and don't seem to understand "wait" or "compromise" or do without altogether because it's unnecessary or simply because you can't afford it. They both whined about ex's for about 15 years after the divorce - desperate for another man but not seeing that the desperation landed them serious losers rather than the knight in shining armour they wanted. Spoiled seems to sum it up. And irresponsible. And they don't want advice, they don't want to change themselves, they just want the world to revolve around them. Actually, my sister has come around quite a bit to be fair - since pursuing counselling, I think she's had some herself - plus, she's likely come face to face with a ton of people just like her and sees it isn't pretty.
I've asked her re clients: Don't you want to tell them to just grow up?
And she does but can't phrase it quite like that.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

People who are negative are just so draining. After awhile, I start to feel physically sick to my stomach around people like that. Poor you.

Try and get out some in nature and away from them. Are you and Mike broken up? Is he gone? Just wondered.

Love you!

Nellie said...

Jeannie - You always seem to understand my perspective so well. I'm always afraid people will see me as being unreasonable, but you always seem able to see that I just wish people would be held accountable for their actions. I think you have to deal with people who are a lot like the people in my life. I really appreciate your feedback.

Always, Nellie

Nellie said...

SB - Thank you for your kind words, as always. Good advice about getting out in nature. I make sure I try to every morning, I'm not sure what I would do w/out it. I go to the beach and do some yoga and I always feel better afterward. And yeah, Mike is finally gone. We see each other occasionally but he's been living with a friend of his and he has half the dogs. So on that front things are looking good. Now if I could just find a job and get out of my mother's house, maybe I could find someone new some day. Although it's not my top priority right now. It's pretty nice not to have someone harping at me all the time. I could use a break from men for a bit. Good to hear from you!


sickgirl said...

I've been carrying on recently about my sister-in-law's behaviour and how, not only am I coming this close to losing it, but its actually getting worse - I didn't think this was even possible! Another day though, she'll be three provinces away so...I've always maintained that she will end up some bitter old lady never having taken the time to truly enjoy her life as she'll end up spending the entire longing for something better, something else, something she doesn't have...As there will always be someone who is prettier, or richer, or younger, or whatever, she'll never, ever be satisfied. When will she learn that the grass is never, ever greener...

peace, love and happiness...

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