Monday, June 29, 2009

Ain't Born Typical

Note: The Kills are awesome. Check em out.
My favorite these days -


I'm bored of cheap and cheerful
I want expensive sadness
Hospital bills, parole
Open doors to madness
I want you to be crazy cos you're boring baby
when you're straight
I want you to be crazy cos you're stupid baby
when you're sane
I'm sick of social graces
Show your shark-tipped teeth
Lose your cool in public
Dig that illegal meat
Cos love is just a dialogue
You can't survive on ice cream
You got the same needs as a dog
It's alright to be mean
It's all right to be mean

Damn, I am so faded tonight. My eyes are throbbing. Didn't sleep a wink today. I was so hungry all day. The food in these parts is so shitty. Having grown up in or right outside of cities I'm used to having access to great food. Hicks up here think mozzarella only comes shredded in plastic bags, salads are strictly iceberg, bread white and goopy, and despite being in the midst of the biggest maple syrup producing states, they love the fake shit. So without the crushing desire for pastries, ice cream, and chocolate that I was so lucky to have for the early m-done years, the thought of most food makes me sick. But if I don't eat I'm the biggest bitch. And so it was, is, today. I got some soup on the way to work and ate half of it and some fried dumplings from the chinese place but that's not really sufficient for the whole night.

Sometimes when I'm on low ass doses of the done and then if it's a bad day, I do shit most people would probably consider just lame. Like, today, Mikey was just on my nerves so much. He just bitches about everything. It's like no matter what, if fuckin gold coins fell from the sky he'd bitch about the bruises on his head. And he was full throttle today, and I was in no mood for his shit. He waited all morning to go pick up some m-done pills and then when he got home he was all, "I'm so hungry but I had no money or I would have got food when I was out". Well he did have money but he didn't want to use it, so finally I got him to go into town and get a hamburger for us to share. He was gone FOREVER and brings home some soggy ass shit, all cold and slimy and mushy fries. I was so irrationally starving and sweating, I wanted to rip his throat out. Long story short, soggy or not I really did want that half a burger but my psycho side just couldn't find a place to rest today and I ended up stomping the shit out of that burger rather than eating it and I left it on the floor and the dogs ate it. How fucked is that? Eh? I know I can be an asshole, but it's generally a long time coming. I didn't eat anything when I was always high, but trying to sleep on, like, no done with my stomach all aching, man I just couldn't rest.
I feel so guilty wanting to break up w/Mikey. I know I have to, I'd be doing both of us a disservice not to. I love him, he's my best friend, and I hope we can be friends one day, but I'm just not as happy as I know I could be. I can't even kill a gnat flying around my head without feeling a wrench in my heart. And I know it must hurt him somehow when I try to talk about going our own ways. Maybe he thinks this is what he wants, but I know he would be happier too. I think he's so attached to the idea that he needs me to buy a house and and just to live, but he doesn't. He's totally capable and I think he would figure that out soon enough, to his benefit. But I'm beginning to realize that he's not going to make it easy. I'm going to come out looking like a bitch or a slut. See, we work at the same place, in totally different areas, but we see all the same people. And I'm one of, like, maybe five women on at night. Only two of us are under fifty, and of the two of us I'm the only one who's not gay. So that leaves a lot of hot, twenty to thirty-something guys coming and going by my hut all night long. It's kind of inevitable that we all talk here and there. And it's likely that if people know we broke up, I may hang out more with people from work. And I can see that causing problems. And in situations like that the woman always comes out the guilty party. Bullshit I say.
I know why it is that way. I'm aware of the whole whore/virgin stand off. I just don't want to play by those stupid rules - which makes me think of Tom Robbins. I'm currently re-reading Jitterbug Perfume and that man has some super insight into the human condition. For instance:
but here was a believer who refused to grovel, a man who stood up to Shiva, to Buddha, to the gods of his own race, whoever they might be, who stood up to them and demanded an accounting for a system in which pleasure must be paid for with pain, a system in which the only triumph over suffering was a hard won oblivion
I just don't think that we should have to feel guilty for pursuing that which makes us pleased and satisfied. The pursuit of pleasure and happiness should be considered a legitimate path.

2 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nellie,
I feel you girl. I just got out of a long-term relationship. It was hard, but I am so happy now. I think the only real thing I regret is staying in it so long. We have both managed to stay friends so far. It's nice.

The stomping on the hamburger thing made me laugh. You sound like me.

You are in my thoughts.

Love,

SB

Nellie said...

SB - yeah, I hear you. I feel like I've spent too much time in this already. I'm so glad that there's people out there who can stay friends, it would suck the most to lose the friendship cuz we're more that than anything.
I'm glad, too, that I'm not the only crazy burger beater out there.

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV