Live by the shit, die by the Same......

HEROIN



I don't know just where I'm going

But I'm going to try for the kingdom if I can

Cause it makes me feel like a man

When I put a spike into my vein

Then I tell you things aren't quite the same



When I'm rushing on my run

And I feel just like jesus' son

And I guess I just don't know



I have made a big decision

I'm going to nullify my life

Cause when the blood begins to flow

When it shoots up the droppers neck

When I'm closing in on death



You can't help me not you guys

All you sweet girls with all you sweet talk

You can all go take a walk

And I guess I just don't know



I wish I was born a thousand years ago

I wish that I'd sailed the darkened seas

On a great clipper ship

Going from this land to that

I put on a sailors suit and cap



Away from the big city

Where a man cannot be free

Of all the evils of this town

And of himself and those around

Oh, and I guess i just don't know



Heroin, be the death of me

Heroin, it is my wife and it's my life

Because a mainer to my vein

Leads to a center in my head

And I'm better off than dead



When the smack begins to flow

Then I really don't care anymore

About all the jim jims in this town

And everybody putting everybody else down

And all of the politicians makin crazy sounds

And all the dead bodies piled up in mounds, yeah



Wow, that heroin is in my blood

And the blood is in my head

Yeah, the gods good as dead

Oooh, the gods good as dead

I just don't care

And I guess I just don't know



-Lou Reed



I totally can relate to a lot of what he's putting out there. I know how he feels when he says it makes him feel like a man. There is something about being high on H which solidifies so many things within me that are so fragile and breakable without it. I can handle almost anything when I'm high. I always tell doctors and whatwho that I feel like I'm normal when I'm high and just like a mess without it. I wish my head could be like that all on its own without chemical help, but I just don't know if that's possible.
"When I'm rushing on my run.......I feel like jesus' son" I know just what he means. You're so focused on the outcome, it seems so important, like there's nothing else worth worrying about. For me, I feel as addicted to copping as using. When you stop using, it's like what do you do with all the time. How do you replace the need for a rush? It's easy if you have unlimited time and money - but I don't. The daily grind is no replacement. I know people are always wondering why I don't want to recall why I quit in the first place. But to that the answer is, it was not my choice. That honor belonged to the State of Massachusetts. They threw a monkey wrench into my routine. Bush was still president and there was some sort of influx of money to the war on drugs, and my spot was swarming with cops. They knew who I copped from, there's cameras all over the place. It got to where I could rarely, if ever, drive to the block w/out cops stopping me. And not, like, normally either. They would come from nowhere and screech right up to my door, sometimes with guns drawn. What the fuck is that about? I have no firearm purchases on my record, I'm not a violent offender, yet they still felt the need to show such force. And honestly I felt more bad about losing my moms money than about the possibility of jail. Jail scares me because I know it would be unbearable amounts of time in my own head. I'm not physically scared of prison, I'm mentally terrified. Of course there are always other places to get dope, but they just seemed so out of reach, I'm not a chamillionaire. But it's not like I was ever like, for my own good, I must stop. I didn't feel physically fatigued, rehab always remarked on how abnormally healthy Mike and I were for H addicts. And technically, I've never even been clean. Methadone is an opiate. And I pay for it, out of pocket. A lot. What's the frickin difference, isn't methadone basically legal, crap quality dope?
I like how Lou Reed writes that "he's made a decision" because we all have. We made the choice to be this close to H. No one can help us, really. It is what it is and everyone has to find their own way. I am not ready to leave it behind, but I don't think cruising on the M-done for a few years to get back up is stealing from others. Anyone can get into a m-done program these days. Around here at least, they take new people at my clinic everyday, so I'm not taking a place away from someone else. M-done, H, oc's they're all interchangeable, more or less. I didn't know what I was getting into w/the m-done. I'm almost more hooked on that shit than the H, and I don't even like it. If I knew what I know now about it.....things would be different..