Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Live by the shit, die by the Same......


I don't know just where I'm going

But I'm going to try for the kingdom if I can

Cause it makes me feel like a man

When I put a spike into my vein

Then I tell you things aren't quite the same

When I'm rushing on my run

And I feel just like jesus' son

And I guess I just don't know

I have made a big decision

I'm going to nullify my life

Cause when the blood begins to flow

When it shoots up the droppers neck

When I'm closing in on death

You can't help me not you guys

All you sweet girls with all you sweet talk

You can all go take a walk

And I guess I just don't know

I wish I was born a thousand years ago

I wish that I'd sailed the darkened seas

On a great clipper ship

Going from this land to that

I put on a sailors suit and cap

Away from the big city

Where a man cannot be free

Of all the evils of this town

And of himself and those around

Oh, and I guess i just don't know

Heroin, be the death of me

Heroin, it is my wife and it's my life

Because a mainer to my vein

Leads to a center in my head

And I'm better off than dead

When the smack begins to flow

Then I really don't care anymore

About all the jim jims in this town

And everybody putting everybody else down

And all of the politicians makin crazy sounds

And all the dead bodies piled up in mounds, yeah

Wow, that heroin is in my blood

And the blood is in my head

Yeah, the gods good as dead

Oooh, the gods good as dead

I just don't care

And I guess I just don't know

-Lou Reed

I totally can relate to a lot of what he's putting out there. I know how he feels when he says it makes him feel like a man. There is something about being high on H which solidifies so many things within me that are so fragile and breakable without it. I can handle almost anything when I'm high. I always tell doctors and whatwho that I feel like I'm normal when I'm high and just like a mess without it. I wish my head could be like that all on its own without chemical help, but I just don't know if that's possible.
"When I'm rushing on my run.......I feel like jesus' son" I know just what he means. You're so focused on the outcome, it seems so important, like there's nothing else worth worrying about. For me, I feel as addicted to copping as using. When you stop using, it's like what do you do with all the time. How do you replace the need for a rush? It's easy if you have unlimited time and money - but I don't. The daily grind is no replacement. I know people are always wondering why I don't want to recall why I quit in the first place. But to that the answer is, it was not my choice. That honor belonged to the State of Massachusetts. They threw a monkey wrench into my routine. Bush was still president and there was some sort of influx of money to the war on drugs, and my spot was swarming with cops. They knew who I copped from, there's cameras all over the place. It got to where I could rarely, if ever, drive to the block w/out cops stopping me. And not, like, normally either. They would come from nowhere and screech right up to my door, sometimes with guns drawn. What the fuck is that about? I have no firearm purchases on my record, I'm not a violent offender, yet they still felt the need to show such force. And honestly I felt more bad about losing my moms money than about the possibility of jail. Jail scares me because I know it would be unbearable amounts of time in my own head. I'm not physically scared of prison, I'm mentally terrified. Of course there are always other places to get dope, but they just seemed so out of reach, I'm not a chamillionaire. But it's not like I was ever like, for my own good, I must stop. I didn't feel physically fatigued, rehab always remarked on how abnormally healthy Mike and I were for H addicts. And technically, I've never even been clean. Methadone is an opiate. And I pay for it, out of pocket. A lot. What's the frickin difference, isn't methadone basically legal, crap quality dope?
I like how Lou Reed writes that "he's made a decision" because we all have. We made the choice to be this close to H. No one can help us, really. It is what it is and everyone has to find their own way. I am not ready to leave it behind, but I don't think cruising on the M-done for a few years to get back up is stealing from others. Anyone can get into a m-done program these days. Around here at least, they take new people at my clinic everyday, so I'm not taking a place away from someone else. M-done, H, oc's they're all interchangeable, more or less. I didn't know what I was getting into w/the m-done. I'm almost more hooked on that shit than the H, and I don't even like it. If I knew what I know now about it.....things would be different..


Nick said...

Cops can be huge pains in the ass.

Keep on keeping on.

Jeannie said...

Don't quite know what to say here. You have to wonder, with the number of addicts to various substances, there has to be an underlying weakness in humanity. Why do we all seem to get so wrapped up in stuff? What's the difference between a workaholic, an obese over eater and a heroin addict? It is all excessive behaviour that makes the individual feel good in a way that nothing else does even if it is ultimately detrimental. There are even people who work out excessively. In another society, such dedication to a cause might be considered admirable.

Gledwood said...

" isn't methadone basically legal, crap quality dope?"

It is indeed!!

Not to mention the fact that withdrawing from methadone is about x10 worse than withdrawing from heroin controversy ....

Gledwood said...

ps I remember when I was on a Subutex/bupe treatment (yet cheating secretly) everyone told how "well" I looked. Yet I was banging up heroin every day like I'd always done!!

Boston Joe said...

ahhh, the wonderful state of massachusetts...

Done, although not as intense as kicking H, is like 10 times longer since it has a longer 1/2 life..

it is totally legalized drug use. They say that there is less "harm" on it cause you don't shoot it and it is regulated but whatever right..

Cops are usually fuckin assholes to drug users cause they figure they can get away with it.. I remember one time "the guy" got busted on the way into my friend's apartment me and a few other people were waiting on him at.. we were all sick and when we left, they knew where he was going, they stoped us and gave us a hard time for like over an hour even though they knew we didn't have anything on us just so they could fucking get a kick out of how sick we all were.. fuckin pigs

kelly Al-Saleh said...

I agree with Boston Joe's last comment. Every user should find out their rights as regards the law cos cops are known to try things that aren't legal or neccessary...

I've discovered an organisation called 'Release'. I heard of them before but never really looked them up cos I thought they were just another rehab agency but they're not. Release doesn't refer to 'release from drugs' as I thought - it refers to your rights and the law - release from prison. Check them out if you haven't already, they got info on addicts/users rights and legal position: http://www.release.org.uk/.
They are UK-based but are bound to know US equivalent organisations.

Also, did you know that Melody Lee has started another site called: The Junky Underground? I've joined it as have a few other regulars on these blogs. I was surprised you weren't there yet so here is the link so you can join if you want to:

Hope to see you there.

x Kelly x

PS. Now that I've got my mac at home (was in the office) I can finally start putting up my own blog. It's about time people started knowing me properly. Although I've made lots of comments it's still weird I know the bloggers and they don't really know me.

I'll let you know once it's up. Might have to change my name on it or something as I'll have another one for my design work and don't want potential clients to know I'm an addict. You know how judgemental people can be. The amount of excuses I've had to make for my script appointment. People at work started thinking I had a terminal illness.

take care of yourself sweetie and use safely.

x Kelly x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I heard Dr. Drew say that an addict's brain feels normal when they are high, so that's why they crave more of the substance. Sounds right to me. When I am drinking, I feel the same way. Normal.

Great post. I'll never listen to that song again without thinking of you.

Love you,


Nellie said...

Thanks to all of you guys for all the comments.
Nick - it's always good to have new people w/the same wavelength.
Jeannie - I agree. Addiction is addiction, and we are a society with overwhealming amounts of people addicted to one thing or another. The weakness, perhaps, that we face is the inability to come to terms with life in a way that works for us. Food is an obsession with Americans. There's a great book I read recently called 'America Anonymous' and it consists of interviews over time with drug addicts, sex, food, alcohol, steroids, etc..It's really eye opening.
Gled - You can tell you've been there. I have decided I would rather detox off dope than methadone any day. And I think people hear that someone is an addict and suddenly they have all these preconceptions that we don't take care of ourselves. It's crazy how you can still be using and people will not know if you don't let them. Most of the time. My brother can't get away with it ever. He, like, nods out in his food at the dinner table. Not like we all haven't, there's just a time and place, eh?
B. Joe - I always like to hear from you. I don't know what it is, maybe cuz I grew up in and @ B-town, don't know. I like your way of just saying it like it is.
Kelly - Thanks for coming by and I really appreciate the knowledge passed on. That sort of stuff is imperative for us to take advantage of. We need to know our rights. It would also be great if you started a blog so we could all get to know you better. And I'll definitely check out Mels new sight. She's got some gumption. And wicked smart too. Thanks.
SB - I always appreciate that you have time for checking in here. I have a lot of respect for your comic genious.

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