Monday, June 22, 2009

I am the girl you know, so sick she cannot try.....

Okay, I admit I read the following in a current Vanity Fair article about Johnny Depp. But whatever, the information is still worthwhile. Keith Richards recorded some cool shit after he got arrested w/22 grams and thought he was going to jail for trafficking rather than possession which was the eventual charge - I bet it was all for him too. He probably started w/an oz or two. That would be so lovely. Have you ever seen the scene in Departed where Jack Nicholson throws the coke all over the place and tells the woman he's with to roll around in it? Imagine having enough money and H to roll around in it? That'd be the life. But anyway, Keith Richards does covers of weird stuff like Dream, Dream, Dream from, like, the 50's. It's really, I want to say creepy in a beautiful way if that makes any sense to anyone but me.

I thought I would feel really shitty today. But really it's as if I never got high. I still get my 5mg in the morning and that makes it so I get at least four to six hours of sleep if I go to bed right when I get home. That makes it so the worst part of the night, when I feel the most like smashing my head against the cinder blocks, is occupied by working. The worst is actually days off when I have all this empty time. I sleep during the day and then I want to sleep through the night too, but that's when I toss and turn and sweat and I can feel it in my mouth, in my jaw somehow.
I know that logically it might not make that much sense to stay on just 5mg. It's totally not even close to a "therapeutic" level, they love to say. But it my mind zero is just bad. And even though maybe in reality I'm just drawing out the inevitable I feel like I'm saying goodbye to a lover. That's the way I've always felt in rehab, like I'm there recuperating from a violent breakup, not with a substance but with a living thing. And even though I don't love methadone as much, it's still heartbreaking. I know people don't understand that unless they keep opiates as a best friend and lover too. In my life that plant has provided more comfort and consolation than anyone including my mother, father, sister, brother, boyfriends, and best friends. I can't just sever the ties, I don't want to.
But I made a deal with Mike that I would not try to get fucked up again until we go to NYC. And I want to, I mean to, stick to that. I'm telling myself that if I hold out I will be so blissfully high. I don't think I can even look at VV w/out thinking of dope. I associate everything Kills with H. I know it will not be The Kills but it might be even better. What I've heard so far is good. And Jack White and his boys are always entertaining if nothing else. Plus if I get high from now to then how will I have enough money to enjoy the trip?


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Have fun on your trip. It sounds great, and you are a very good writer.

Love, SB.

Nellie said...

Thanks, SB. I really appreciate the comments. You yourself are hysterical.

Robb said...

Tell me. Why you still on the methadone program if you're all hype to spend and bang the street shit? Do one, or do the other. Not both, man, that ain't right.

Make the break, girl. Make the choice, 'cause if ya don't, y'all just stealing from the state something that might just help someone who really needs/wants it.

You want it. I read it, many a-time. But, life is throwing curve balls atcha, so you turn to the "old friend". The same friend that cost you something (and I don't know what), enough for you to say "I Want Out." And what's it costing you now? Money, broken sleep patterns, the "getting and using and finding ways and means to get more"?

Ah, Nellie, but here I preach. I'm so good at that. You're a strong woman. You will survive this. And you can get clean. Damn straight! All ya gotta do is wanna...

Keep The Faith*

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV