better days

Feeling pretty good for a change. I'm used to being one of those people for which things just seem to go wrong, no matter what. It feels good when things work out without having to go through hell and back first.

Like a lot of people these days, our cell phone is our only phone. It just doesn't make sense to have a land line too. The cell works at home and then we can take it with us too. But our phone just decided it had enough and killed itself, we can't even turn it on to retrieve saved numbers and whatnot. We had Unicel and went to the store to see if it could be replaced, turns out they were bought out by at&t and claim they no longer have Unicel stuff. So we had no choice but to switch to them. But surprisingly it worked out awesome for us. They bought out our old contract and then we got a discount from our work and ended up with an iPhone for wicked cheap. If we just had walked in it would have been, like, seven hundred bucks with a deposit and shit. But we ended up having to pay less than a third of that and the thing is pretty cool. I can get Internet access more or less anywhere. It's only a little bit slower than my laptop. I'm pretty psyched, I just have to figure out how to use it now.

There have been a couple defining moments for me in the past week. For one, I'm done with the clinic for now. We found a kid who can get us methadone, liquid and pills, for way cheaper than going to the clinic. So we've been taking that instead. Now we can go right home after work and it gives us more time to sleep and saves a crap load on gas. And we can take as little as possible for a week or so and then just a few pills taken at once provides a decent high. Not a perfect substitute for the real thing but nothing to scoff at either. Second best part (aside from ability to get high) is, we don't have to be at the clinic every morning which provides a certain sense of freedom I haven't felt in several years.

Aside from those to the clinic, other ties were severed recently as well. I'm not sure which has given me a greater sense of freedom, cutting the clinic or cutting my hair. I had dreads for over ten years, and I loved them but they started to feel so heavy and saturated with bullshit and sweat. I felt in my gut that it was time for them to go, I felt this way for many months but I ignored it. Hair grows but dreads are difficult to replace. I'll probably never have them again. They've been such a major aspect of my identity for so long, I feel like a different person without them. It was hard to make the final decision and to follow it through, but I'm glad I did. In some ways I feel like I'm succumbing to the expectations of mainstream society. I have to tell myself that it's better without them, I can still do what I do only now I can do it under the radar. Having dreads is like broadcasting to all ones affinity for deviant behavior. Without em I can appear relatively non-threatening and still be bad, bad, bad on the inside.

Hopefully this feeling of forward momentum will stay with me, become a catalyst for change in my life.