I think Fiona Apple is the shit. I know she's considered a crazy bitch, and probably she is. But so am I, so it's no wonder I can relate to her music. If I could sing, which I totally can't, I'd want her voice. Or something between hers, Zooey Deschanel, and Regina Spektor. I can't hear stuff right or something. I think my inner ear is fucked up and that's why I feel sick, like, all the time. That's why Dramamine helps me when I'm not even on a boat or in a car, I think. Note this does not stop me from trying to sing, but no one would ever pay me for it or even listen for free.
You know what I hate about people? When they go out of their way to go see live music and then they just all stand there like a frickin can of sardines, sweating on each other. I can't be hearing music without dancing. Seriously, I was like one of three people flailing around at the show this weekend. People always start dancing once I do, but they look so stiff and self-conscious. I am too a lot of the time, mostly when I have to interact with people who I think may be really stuffy. But when I dance, fuck it, who cares what people think? Maybe it's cus I grew up doing the whole Phish tour/jam band bullshit where it is encouraged to flail around. People need to loosen up.
I put the lyrics to a FA song below because I really like them. I wish I could write like her, maybe then I wouldn't feel so stuck inside my skin. I need an outlet for all my craziness. I really want to join the gun club in my town so I can just go and target shoot. I think it will make me feel better to watch bullets make holes. It's always a relief to break something. If I had the means and space I would have a wall I could just throw dishes against when I felt like tearing up the world. I don't want to kill people, just their anger, judgement, and stupidity. And I would never kill an animal unless I planned on eating it, or it was going to kill me. I hate even squishing a mosquito but I'll smack a person real quick.
I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh, darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
how crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
and pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby run free yourself of me
fast as you can
I may be soft in you palm but I'll soon grow
hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find a way into your
heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
but most of the time, it does
And I get to a place where I'm begging for a lift
or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
and give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
uneven wind, complain and blame
the sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby watch me, I'll be out
fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
fast as you can leave me, let this thing
run its route
The part about her mind shifting and shaking, that's so right on for me. My mind is never still. I can feel what people are talking about when they say a screw is lose. It's seriously like your mind is not secured and you can't find your way because it's so hard to keep hold of where you're going. It's like your thoughts are the silver ball in one of those palm games where you tilt it this way and that trying to get the ball to the destination. And then the part where she gets to a point where all she wants is relief. For me, and I suspect her too, heroin works great.
I'm also one of those people who will fight and fight and fight some more because it feels normal for me. I spent so much of my life in a constant state of distress that anything other than that feels boring and weird. So I start fights for something to do I think. And you know how some people just have a knack for finding a person's weakness and exploiting it? That's me. That pain in a person's face is as satisfying as blood on my hand. Now, mind you, it takes some pushing for me to do this to a stranger. It's mostly those I love and the ones I know won't leave that take most of the abuse. Not to say they are innocent of similar behavior themselves. Mike's good at stabbing the open wounds as well. And no one can top my sister. I've seen my sister Lily reduce teachers, counselors, even police to tears.
I can't imagine having a brain that was tidy and easy to maneuver about. I feel as if it is like being born blind and trying to imagine what it's like to see. Is it possible?