I tried something different with my dogs this morning. Instead of taking all of them on the morning walk, I only took two. I figured that way, if we ran into anyone on the trail, I could focus my attention more and hopefully they would get more out of the interaction. And even though we didn't end up running into anyone I feel like they benefited from the more individualized attention. We were able to walk farther because I wasn't as worried about them flipping out so they got more exercise. And I'm going to take the other two out with me for a walk this evening after dinner. My plan is to rotate which two I take every morning. And it's not like the others are abused and sitting in the basement all day. We have a backyard that's big enough for them to run around in the grass and then they get to spend the rest of the day chilling on the screened-in porch. Of course I also let them out throughout the day to go to the bathroom.
It will be harder if I ever get a job because I'll have less time. But that's partially why I want to work a second or third shift. That way I have plenty of time to get to the clinic, take the dogs out for a walk, take a shower, eat, smoke, and then still get to work with time to spare. I'm a much better employee if I can do my morning routine everyday. Because even in the winter I can take the dogs to the beach to walk because there is no snow right next to the water because of all the salt. So it's the only place they can walk because they are too short to walk in snow, they would be buried over their heads after most storms.
So anyhow, I'm going to try to make the afternoon/evening walk take us past some people. I think it's the only way I'm ever going to be able to have them pass by people without flipping. I just have to get them to see that it's okay. So if I take just two I can control them so they know it's not okay. When I have all four, the worst of them, the leader I guess, she gets them all going and then it's as if I'm not even there. They don't register me, they can see or hear me until they calm down. I think if I only have two I can keep it from getting to that point. And I'll probably have to work with the "leader" on her own so she stops starting it.
Oh my, I've had too much coffee and no food yet today and it's after noon. I have to eat and get my resumes printed so I can drop them off TODAY! Come on Nellie, get my shit together. I have to make myself do this because I get so depressed even though I despise depression in people. I try to hide it but it's there. If I push through it, which I can do more now than ever before, it does go away before coming back. Today is better than yesterday because I got a chance to do some yoga this morning which always helps get me moving and excited about things. Then I like a chance to write here, to all the random people out there. It's very healing to be able just vent. So today I have list I need to do and that's good.
And my sister is coming to dinner and maybe she'll and up spending the night. So I have to get going. I always try to fit too much in and then we don't eat until nine at night.

I'm feeling kind of down. I can't seem to catch a break on this job thing. I called Friendly's and the manager said he had just done some hiring the beginning of last week - right before I handed in my application. I don't know how those people knew about the job, the sign hadn't even gone up yet. They had to be friends of employees. Anyhow, he said he was going to do some more hiring in a week or so, so it's not all hopeless. But why does it have to be so hard to get a lame job? I'm printing out resumes today to take to three new places I found online today. They could be promising - A cafe, banquet set-up, and another hotel. And one is sort of close. Of course, I'm not going to give up on Friendly's because it's within walking distance which would be the best for me. I'm still waiting to hear from the hotel in Maine. I'll give them until tomorrow because I just filled out the online addition to my application. I brought them a resume which told them about five times more about me than their stupid online app. But still they needed me to fill it out. Only I didn't do it as fast as I should have. So I probably look like a big jerk. Oh well. I'm tired of worrying so much so it is what it is. People who don't worry as much about little stuff seem happier. So that's my goal - to learn to just chill. But still I haven't really learned yet so I feel lost and depressed at the moment.

cupcakes and cool people

I was looking for a recipe for chocolate cupcakes and I found this blog. It seems to me that there are a lot of different ways to blog and they don't all link to one another. Or maybe they do if you know how, but it's not easy. I think I need to take a class all about blogging so I know how to make my blog as awesome as possible. Why? I don't know. But for me, blogging is like journaling - only you get to share it with other people. Only it's people you don't already know personally so they don't judge you right off so really they get to know you better than most other people because why hold back, really? Anyhow. this woman has a blog but it's not through blogger. I'm going to try to link to her site because it seems pretty cool. I like anything that is about living the best life possible. This lady grew up off the grid with her parents - no electricity, no running water and she became very thrifty and handy at using what she had. She now runs a store and has her own family. But she has stayed loyal to the simple life it seems. She's all about baking, cooking, sewing and raising wholesome kids. The same life I want to live if I could get my shit together and meet a real man.

http://thefarmchicks.typepad.com/

Check her out. She's my new temporary role model.

What is Friendship?

How do I always manage to find these people? It just occurred to me that part of it is that they all, most recently anyhow, have been connected to the methadone clinic. I thought maybe this time I had done better because this girl didn't ever do heroin. She became addicted to her pain meds after a surgery she had after having her kids. So I though that since she didn't smoke weed and never really was part of a drug scene that maybe she would be different than the people who had. I thought maybe she would have her shit together more. But the more time that goes by I'm finding her to be very needy. I hate that in a friend. When a friendship becomes off balance and there is always one who needs something and then always the other one giving, it isn't really a friendship anymore. It's now a relationship of a whole different color. I feel like when I'm always the one who is giving it starts to suck me dry and I begin to resent the relationship. For some reason it seems like all the people I ever connect with are like this.
And I have to believe that in some way it is a reflection of myself. I have a difficult time being comfortable around people who aren't like that because I never really spent any time with people who were stable. Ever. Like never in my whole life, aside from in passing, have I ever really gotten to know anyone who kept a full time job, didn't get a bitter divorce, wasn't on loads of psychiatric drugs, dealing with legal issues, or a massive drug problem; or possibly a combination of those. I don't know anyone really happy and successful. No one who loves what they do. I wish I had someone near me who I really respected so I could see what they do and then copy them. Because isn't that really how humans learn everything? Isn't that why Rosetta stone is so effective? Because not only do you see the words, you see the action, you do the action yourself and then call it what it is. I wish I had someone who could show me the day to day activities of a happy, successful person. It's like learning anything. If you try to teach yourself something by reading books about it and then trial and error, you may eventually become competent. But it would be much more effective and probably faster if you could study along with someone who is already proficient in the thing you want to do. Hence, schools and teachers. Why don't we just let our children go out there and figure it out? It probably wouldn't be that effective.
Well, anyway. I'm trying to set my life up so that I spend more time around people who I want to emulate. In five years I don't want to be reading old posts and thinking, "My, nothing has changed. I'm still floundering and unsatisfied with life". I want to be able to look at my life and not feel like a failure. I want to have friends who I love and respect. I want to be around people I admire, not people I pity and resent. And I think for that to happen I have to have more respect for myself.
I think I took a positive step in that direction by finally breaking up with Mikey. And I'm really happy that we have been able to remain friends. We see each other every couple of weeks - because he's been living at a friend's house about an hour from me since, probably, May or June. And I miss him sometimes, but overall my stress level has decreased significantly. I sleep better, I get more exercise. Overall I just take better care of myself because I'm not playing mommy to him. But I'm so totally not ready to begin dating anyone else right now. Eventually I do want to meet someone, and I really want kids someday and I'm worried I'm getting too old. I'm terrified I'm going to be one of the women in the world who hits early menopause and can't have kids because I waited too long.
And then other times I think that it's selfish to want kids so badly when the world is so overpopulated. And I would definitely adopt but I wouldn't be allowed probably because of my history with drugs, right? And I couldn't afford it. Doesn't it cost a ton to adopt children? You would think with all the kids dying and starving all over the world they would give one to me. I might be wacky but I'd be a great mom. I know I'd at least be better than some. This girl I was talking about earlier (I would never write this if I ever, ever, ever thought she would read it, but there's no way in frozen hell. So it's okay...right?) swears and screams at her kids every time I'm on the phone with her. I want to say something, but how? What? It will not go over well. No one likes to be told what to do with their kids. Especially by someone who doesn't have kids of their own. It's just too easy to dismiss what they're saying because it comes from someone who has no clue what it's like to be them. But I do know how much I still remember the fucked up things my mom said to me and this lady is worse. I'm trying to talk to her and I can barely make out what she's saying because her kids are being so loud in the background. And it's every single time I talk to her. So then she's like, "Hold on, will ya?.......Shut THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!". I don't even know how to react.
Okay, I know this sounds so awful. How did I become friends with this person to begin with? Using the word friend is, well, not quite accurate I guess. Because we don't know each other very well. I guess it's a relationship which was going from acquaintance towards a fledgling friendship when it hit a rut at way too needy and I'm getting nervous and want to abandon the whole thing but feel like I'm in too deep. Yikes!
Okay. Instead of panicking and doing something I'll regret, I'm going to take it slow. I'll try to assert myself in the meantime so that I don't end up spending too much time on the phone giving advice or listening to her scream at her kids. School starts soon and I'm thinking once she has had some time to herself I could begin to let her know that it bothers me that she talks to her kids like that. Maybe. What do you guys think? Do you say anything in this situation? Okay, I'm not going to ramble anymore about this until I get some advice of my own.

Another Day, Another Application, Another Rejection

The rain has stopped. I must admit I enjoy a good, heavy, dark rain every now and again. It seems like everyone slows down a bit when it rains. You don't have to feel quite so guilty just sitting around cuddled under blankets with a book when it's raining.

But the sun is out and the business of life must go on. Procrastinating here, putting off yet another application drop off. This time it's the Union Bluff Hotel in York, Maine which isn't as far away as it sounds. Southern coastal Maine dips down almost hitting Massachusetts, leaving New Hampshire with a teenie tiny coastline. So it's really only a twenty minute drive to York, I've been told anyhow. I try not to drive around too much since I STILL don't have a valid driver's license. Hence another reason I need a job. I've paid off all the fines I owed but in order to be reinstated I need a special kind of insurance called an SR-22. Anyone ever heard of it? It's bullshit. Basically everyone I talk to about it, including the court system and the insurance companies themselves, don't seem to be able to give me a reasonable explanation of what it is. The best I can tell from the mumble jumble I've been served is that it's personal insurance basically. Insurance on myself because, apparently, I suck and am not to be trusted. But no one can seem to tell me for how long I need to have this. And it's super expensive. So if I lost my license because I couldn't afford the fines does it seem probable that I will be able to afford this crappy, unnecessary, over-priced insurance? So until I can save up the initial fee to get started I have to find a job and drive there unlicensed, praying to God I don't get pulled over just a little bit longer. It's an awful feeling. The constant anxiety couldn't be healthy. But what choice do have? I'm lucky I have what I have.
Part of the reason I was stuck with Mike for so long was because I needed the car. My Mom wants to go away all the time and it's her car so what do I have to stand on there? Other than the fact that she harped at me to ditch Mike, promising all the while that if I did she would back me up until I got on me feet. But apparently I am not getting there fast enough. Shit, it's like the worst time to be looking for a job. People with Master's Degrees are applying for the same fricken Friendly's Restaurant as me. I'm not even calling ahead today so they don't have a chance to blow me off. Maybe if I dress exceedingly well and have a big smile they will give me an interview. It's for a front desk/hostess position. It would be perfect for me since I hate manual labor. Just writing stuff/typing reservations, answering phones, being polite to people - I can DO that! For sure. Perfect. I really hope they hire me. I'd much rather work there than at Friendly's. Everyone pray for me!!!!

I'm so close to getting my little basement space livable. I've sent out a few job applications and I have a few more and then some places to which I'm simply sending my resume. I should have a job soon. I have an appt. at the community college in Portsmouth, NH to talk to a counselor to help me figure out what I need to do to get my A.S. in science, which should only take a year. Then I can be a medical assistant or a vet tech so I can get paid a decent wage while I finish my B.A.
I just want to save enough money to buy my own car and get my own apartment and get away from my crazy mother. She's just so miserable it makes me feel physically sick to be around her. I do love her, somehow, some way, I do. I just don't know how to take her, what to say to her, how to tune out the whining, the depression, the misery. She's never happy. I don't think I've seen her actually happy since I was a very young child. And even then who knows if it was genuine or just the poorly remembered fantasy of a child?
Anyway, I'm going to stick it out. For once, I left so many times when I was young, and then haven't been back for over ten years. So I don't care how miserable she tries to make me, I'm not leaving until I have the things I need to make it on my own without having to ask for anyone's help. I'm not going to have to rely on anyone else.

Wow, how sad is it that while putting stuff away from boxes which have been long packed I came across an old journal in which the first entry was almost identical to what I have written above. I have made no strides in the past eight years. I am still stuck, unable to take care of myself, jobless and under-educated. Oh my, how sad am I? The one difference is that I'm no longer hung up on some loser asshole with no care for anyone in the world but himself. That has to be something, right?

(Ah, what was that? A blood-curling scream from above? My mother, the only one it could be. She's alone, making dinner for I don't know who since she just saw my brother eat twenty minutes ago, but she'll still be angry when he doesn't eat anything, and I am certainly not eating anywhere near her. I'll eat what she makes cuz she'll cause a scene if I don't but I'm not sitting there so she can scowl at me and make rude comments the whole time I'm eating. There's nothing like trying to enjoy a meal in front of someone who insinuates how fat you are all the time. Anyway, only she could find a reason to scream that loud while alone in a room. I'm not even buying into it and running up there - and that is partially why she hates me. Because I don't buy into her insane dramatics.)

Even if I don't stay here very long, it feels good to take my books out and set them up on shelves. It feels like soon I will have my own retreat, my own safe, happy place away from all their shit. And they wonder why I don't want to live in a tiny room upstairs with the rest of them. I'd rather sleep on a mattress on the floor in the basement. Oh yeah, my crazy junkie brother decided he wanted the bed I was sleeping on because it was "his". And my mother told me I had to give it to him right away. That's why we're fighting today. I dared to be so bold as to suggest he needed to wait until I got my futon out of storage since I just offered to make a point to get it the other day if he needed the bed and my mother told me he said "No, It doesn't even fit in his room at his new place". So I told Mikey not to worry about getting it until he got back from his trip next week. Then on Sunday morning he decided he needed me to get it right then. I said he could continue to sleep on his futon, which he's been doing so I could have someplace decent to sleep too. No, no go. So I'm on the floor. But get this, after I put my breakfast on a back burner to sit while I dismantled the bed and put it out the top of the bulkhead door for him, he left it there! In the rain! All afternoon and night. Then my mother told my sister I left it in the rain. I handed it right to her out the bulkhead, so how did I leave it there. Does anyone think it was my responsibility to move it for him. He was supposed to be taking it right to his new place. I really can't stand my family.
Please God, let someone hire me so I can spend much of my time at work. Even work would seem like a retreat right now.
Oh, did I also mention I went upstairs to pee the other night at about two a.m. and my mom was sitting there with some random guy out on the porch. I thought she had gone out w/her friend Cynthia. Not to mention she's had this long term boyfriend, Larry who's been calling and calling and whose Volvo she drives. But she's ignoring Larry because she thinks he answered her in an insensitive tone the other day and doesn't care enough about her problems. But then the guy was still there sleeping right next to her the next morning. I think that's really vulgar behavior for a sixty year old woman. At least fuck some stranger in your own room so your kids don't have to see your two hung-over, half naked bodies draped over the furniture first thing in the morning. In fact, I think that's really irresponsible behavior for anyone of any age. That's how you get raped and murdered. I wouldn't have heard if he decided to kill her. Thank God I lock myself in the basement from the inside every night. With my mother bringing strange men into the house. Maybe it helps that my younger brother, Sam, not the junkie, just crazy, threatens every man my mother brings home with his butterfly knife. I'm not kidding, he walks around the house just flipping the f'n thing around and around. I hate it. I can't go anywhere without hearing that clink of metal on metal and not think of him flipping those damn knives.

I love it when the threat of oncoming rain at dusk makes the air itself take on color. Sometimes green, blue, purple. It's sad and beautiful.

I just want to remind everyone out there that it is really important to use your directional signals when you are driving. It can help you to avoid a lot of accidents. It's a simple movement of the hand which can save you your life. And while we're on the subject of driving, people, you are not supposed to pass in the right hand lanes. You should ALWAYS pass on the left. There is a huge blind spot on the right side of a car, whereas on the left the driver can see what is coming. It seems like people these days just do not follow simple driving rules.
In fact, in this post I can discuss two peeves I have in one. Some of the worst drivers I see up here in New Hampshire are the folks who come up from Massachusetts and New York. It's like they forget or don't care to begin with that this is where some people live all the time, this is our home. They are on vacation and they feel like the full time residents are there just to serve or revolve around them. When they are not speeding excessively down our highways, they are clogging up our back roads by driving fifteen miles under the speed limit because they can't be bothered to pull over on the shoulder to take a picture of the changing leaf colors. Just remember that your vacation spot is someone else's home. And they are just trying to get to work or live their life day to day.
Okay, well, that got out a little bit of the annoyance I feel towards the world today.....

If You're not Willing to Change - You should shut up and not complain

It seems to me that as a person gets older they should begin to realize that they are but a speck on the surface of earth, and earth is but a speck in the vastness of the universe. Therefore, all their personal, crappy little problems are so meaningless in the greater scheme of things that they may as well not worry about things they can't change. How does a person go through life day after day, year after year and not eventually learn what they need to do to make themselves happy? Or at least learn to be happy with what they've got? Do some people just feel more comfortable in a state of unhappiness? Are they so used to being unhappy that they don't know how to be happy?

I feel like my mother is one of these people. And her unhappiness is affecting all of us, it always has. It's why I left at such a young age to begin with and why I desperately wish I could leave now. But I have to admit I've made some brash choices in the past in my scurrying, anxious, dash to escape this place and now I have to suck it up in order to get my shit together so I can eventually live a peaceful, fulfilling life. But I have to say, it's hard, day to day to not simply explode on her, to say "Just Shut UP! Stop complaining, you have such a great life! So many people would be so happy to have what you have, you could do anything!". And I pretty much did just that this morning. I feel bad, sort of. I didn't swear, I didn't actually tell her to shut up, though she did say that to me. But I did say I couldn't take her being so angry all the time, and then taking that anger out on me. It's exhausting. Listening to her and my sister complain lately is taking up hours and hours of my day. Time I need to be job searching and finishing up my room so I can move on in this life. I need a car but I need a job to get a car and I need a car to get a job........so my mom is going to have to honor her promise to let me use the car until I save up for my own. She promised that if I broke up with Mike (therefore losing the only car we both had, bc he gets it bc he bought it) that she would help by replacing what he did for me until I could get it myself. Her family certainly did that for her plenty of times. She wouldn't...essentially she wouldn't even BE if it weren't for her mother and then subsequently the family business not entirely supporting her lifestyle. I stayed with him as long as I did because we shared too many things. I would be lost without his help for a while. And she promised to help me, something she hasn't done effectively since I was very young. She was always good with little kids. But anyone over twelve, she's lost, she has no clue what to say or do. Maybe it's just that she is such a child herself. I feel like I've been her parent for so long. To this day I have to sit there and listen to her for hours, literally, hours going on and on about my father and his lack of paying on time. They've been divorced for so long I don't even know exactly - over ten years for sure, probably closer to fifteen. Get over it already!! All your kids are grown, he has another family, he's old and doesn't really have any money anymore, does he really still owe her anything? Who agrees with her? Go on, tell me if you do, I hear her side all the time, I know the argument but I just think she should be living on her own by now, she would be able to just fine if she weren't so bad with money.
Get this, probably two years ago she buys this bedroom set. A bed, two dressers, a side table, a bunch of mirrors to go above the tables, there was a tall dresser too. It was beautiful, really, it was made from this rich, dark wood - but the problem was that it was HUGE! I mean really huge. And it must have cost a fortune, probably between five and seven thousand for the set. Like, did she measure anything before buying it? Apparently not because it totally didn't fit in her room at all. I can't believe they even got it upstairs. Anyway, she had to give the tall dresser to my brother for his room, the other two ended up covering over one of her windows once the mirror was attached and you could just barely walk around the bed, it took up the whole room! It was awful. But we all, for a full two years, had to go along with admiring how nice it was. (because if anyone criticizes her she has a fit - might even threaten suicide actually) But finally she realizes it's hideous. She doesn't realize, of course, that that means we've all been lying to her for all this time. That would require some self-reflection and thinking through an uncomfortable situation, and that just wouldn't do. So two years after spending that kind of money she decides it's awful and she can't live like that. So she takes everything out - and most of it is still sitting in our garage, getting ruined so we can't even sell it. And now she has bought a new bed (and a new daybed for the spare room while she was at it, "It was on sale Nellie" so she saved money, duh!) a bunch of new dressers, side tables, a little desk, new curtains, and God knows what else that I may or may not have seen. She even goes so far as to hide things because sometimes even she knows it's too far. And then she wants me to sit there and listen to her complain about money. But I'm not allowed to say anything about the spending, and I can't offer suggestions on how to be frugal and save - because she doesn't really want to know these things. She just wants to bitch. And I just can't take it anymore.
This week has been particularly bad. Between her and my sister who does the same thing only it's about sort of different subjects. She bitches about her lack of ability to get her own classroom her first year out of school and her boyfriend who she won't leave but who she really hates.

I'm just so sick of all these Negative Nancy's. I just want to be around people who are trying to better themselves. I'm tired of the whining. So I've gotten my whining out for the day. I have too much to do to sit around complaining. Sorry to have subjected the cyberworld to my negativity. It has to go somewhere.

Inherent Good?

I was reading 'Yoga Journal' the other day which is a monthly yoga magazine my mom gets delivered to our house. She doesn't do yoga, at all, but she got some deal where she had to order a bunch of magazines, so she gets it for me pretty much. I really like it because it has a lot of good articles every month which are good at making it clear how much yoga can affect you in so many aspects of life. And it always has a section where a full sequence of postures is laid out with clear pictures and descriptions of how to carry out each pose. I feel like I learn many new things each month. Of course, I am a beginner so I have a lot to learn.
Another feature is the monthly interview. It's just a short interview on the back page, usually with someone who teaches yoga somewhere in the United States. This month it was with some guy named John Friend. Apparently he developed this type of yoga called Anusara Yoga. According to his website, Anusara Yoga is "a life affirming Tantric philosophy of inherent goodness" combined with Universal Principles of Alignment. Basically, there is good in everything and everyone and all differences are accepted. I tried to add the link to his website at the bottom of this post in case anyone wants to learn more about this type of yoga practice (sorry if it's not right, I'm not so great at that type of thing, yet). It seems like a good place for beginners because it's non-judgmental and he works mostly with alignment and it seems more practical rather than super spiritual. Not to say that the spiritual aspects of yoga aren't as important, they are. I just think that some people are turned off by the religious/spiritual aspects of yoga. They think they have to change their religion to practice; this of course is not true, but I can understand where the misconception comes from.
Anyhow, clearly this guy, John Friend, believes in the inherent goodness of all things on earth and beyond. So in this interview they ask him about his views regarding all the evil shit that happens on this planet. If everything is inherently good, what gives?

YJ: With your positivity, how do you reconcile the problems of suffering and evil in the world?

John Friend: "Everything in it's essence is benevolent, good, and auspicious. But we do actions that aren't skillful. Everyone wants to be happy, but we misbehave or misspeak and cause pain for ourselves and for others. There's karma and interconnectedness, cause and effect, reasons for everything. Sometimes things seem random and unfair. The interweavings of the tapestry of destiny and karma are beyond my view. Some mysteries we don't have to figure out. We just flow with them and respond in the best ways to connect with our spiritual essence."


So, even though he's a little whoopdy di doopty or whatever, he does have a point. I think everyone, even those who seem like they don't, have the intention of doing something good. Whether it's good for just themselves, or good for the whole, is another matter completely. But everyone DOES want to be happy. And I believe we all are connected. Because everything is just energy in different forms. So we are everything because everything is energy, right? And us as individuals are too small to see the greater picture. We can't see the whole web of human and earth energy from above. If we could, if we could see the bigger picture, I think it wouldn't seem so random and mean. I think there would be some patterns and understanding. And there is a lot to be said for the actions of humans. We often DO misspeak, or misbehave, even with the best of intentions. And that does cause pain. So to eradicate pain, as much as possible, we just need to become more aware of our actions. Right?

Sorry if this whole post is a little whoopdy di doopty. But I think it is a question we all ask ourselves all the time: Why do bad, evil things happen if there is a God? And I think people like this John Friend begin to answer that question for us. Of course, it will never definitively be answered in our lifetime. Maybe not even once we die. But we can try to understand as much as possible.

http://www.anusara.com/index.php?option=content&view=frontpage&Itemid=73

I know this is going to make me sound retarded, but I don't care. I've always had help when it came to using power tools. But recently there is no one around to help me. I never had an attitude of 'I can't do something', it was more like 'why should I?'. But now I feel like I just should be able to do everything. I should be able to change a tire, whether I need to or not. Everyone should be able to drive stick (that I've been able to do for a while), be able to pop start a standard vehicle, use a chainsaw, a screwdriver, a lawnmower, things like that. Most of those I can do. But I've never really used a power screwdriver before. But I just put up a piece of sheet rock in my room to cover up a section that wasn't done. And I put up two sets of hooks!!! Whoo-hoo!! I'm awesome.

National Healthcare - Common Sense

It recently occurred to me that if I were to come down with some terrible injury or illness, I would be totally screwed. I don't have health insurance. And you can't get health insurance once you've been diagnosed. And there is no way I could pay for my health care, especially for a long drawn out illness like cancer or something. This situation must happen to millions of people regularly. How many poor people are there out there who don't have health insurance? And it's easy to break a bone. Who knows when an accident can happen.
As I get older and seem to get sick more often, this has really begun to worry me. What if it turns out I have a really bad disease? It seems like only people with money get help. Or if you happen to be a cute child with e freaky new illness and you can be used to raise money. This is a terrible system. One I know that is trying to be changed as I type this. And I have to admit that I am extremely ignorant when it comes to the ins and outs of the argument over national health care. But from that ignorant standpoint, based solely on common sense, doesn't it make sense that everyone should have access to adequate health care? At least the basic emergency and preventative care? When I lived in Vermont we had a state health insurance system. If you made under a certain amount, insurance was free, after that you paid a deductible based on income. I thought it was great. It was better than private insurance. I got rehab bills taken care of, they paid for my methadone medication across state lines, and it was affordable. If it meant my taxes were a little higher, they weren't high enough to be noticeable. But the benefits were noticeable. How can people not want to pitch in to help everyone around them be healthier? Don't they realize we are all connected?

Is That What Death is Like?

Over the past few days that I've been sick I've had this really weird feeling of being disconnected to my body. I was shaky and tingling as if the seam of my insides were no longer tightly stitched to my outsides. Like I was about to jump out of my skin and float away. And as I've begun to feel better I've started to feel like I'm being sewn back together. I'm more grounded and connected to the earth. And I started to wonder, this morning as I was driving back from the first walk I've had in days, is that what death is like? Is it a slow moving away from your body? Until you are completely separate. Your mind and soul are relatively intact, but they leave your body? Of course I was far from death, but I wonder if it can happen so fast that we hardly notice when we die. It's an interesting thought anyhow.

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with me responses and stopping by to support the folks who always support me. I have no good excuse except that I've been really sick. Until this afternoon I've pretty much been stuck in bed. It was such a weird sickness too. It felt like I was going through withdrawals, except how could I be since I've been on the same dose at the clinic for over a year. They did say that added stress can sometimes make your body freak out, and I have been under extra stress lately, but really? Could stress make me feel that sick? I guess it could. But I just want to send my love and support out to everyone who is always there for me.

THANK YOU!!!

blah, blah, blah

I don't even know what to write. It's been so long since I've posted anything. I feel so out of sorts, so disconnected to anything, so lost. I have nothing lately that is my own, nothing to make me feel like it even matters if I am here or not. I don't have a job, school, a purpose for waking up. And despite knowing what I want my purpose to be, despite always knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I just can't seem to figure out how to go about getting there. I feel so STUCK. It's such an awfully familiar feeling. Why can't I ever seem to get unstuck? I want a job but I have no skills worth anything to anyone. There is so much competition for the crappiest jobs. I just called a woman about a job I saw in the paper and the phone call went to badly I cried when I hung up. This was the conversation:

I call because the ad says to call the number and then the given extension. I figured I could just drop off my resume but it's kind of far and I don't technically have a driver's license (a fact everyone in my family loves to overlook. And they seem to not think it necessary to live up to the deal we made that they would help me when I needed it to get my license back. Suddenly they never have the time, money, whatever it may be when I need it. My brother the junkie or my sister the junkie, they need something, no problem. I need it and it's just so easy to say NO to me, I guess. At least that's what they actually say to me.) Anyway, this place is located just across the border in Maine, so I thought I may as well confirm that the position is still open. Before I drive all the way to Maine for no reason.

Woman: (In a gravelly, bored, and put-out tone) "This is Mary."

Me: "Hi, Mary. My name is Helen Hager and I'm calling to inquire about the ad I saw in the Exeter News about the front desk position. I'm just wondering if it's still available?" (This, obviously, is the one line I had rehearsed previous to making the call.)

Mary: "Well, have you already filled out an application?"

Me: "Uh, No, I just saw the ad in the paper today and it said to call this extension. So I just thought I would call ahead to find out first if the position was still available and if it was, is there anything particular I should know before coming in to fill out an application."

Mary: "Well, I think we're pretty much finished with looking. If anything comes up we'll call you. What's the name and number?'

Me: My name is Helen Hager, H-A-G-E-R. And my phone number is (blah, blah, blah...obviously can't put my phone number up here, right?) But maybe I could just drop by and leave my resume with you just in case something comes up and then you would have some more information about me?" (I said this because, maybe you noticed, she did NOT say the position had been filled. I got the distinct impression from her tone and frequent pauses that it had not been filled. I think she must have received a ton of applications, or maybe she just didn't want to be the contact person, I don't know. Writing the conversation so far, it seems like I'm just being crazy, because the actual words weren't mean, just her tone was so nasty.)

Mary: (first I hear a very audible "Tsk", like when you put the tip of your tongue to your top front teeth and make that tsk, tsk short sucking sound when you're exasperated or disgusted. well, that's what she did. Tsk. Sigh.) "No, I said we would call you if anything comes up."

Me: (Attempting, probably unsuccessfully to mask my shock. I mean, why can't I drop off my resume, even if the position had been filled? Maybe whoever they hire won't work out, maybe I'd be super qualified, what's the harm?) "Uh, Okay. Well, Thank You."

Then I hung up. And my mother had been watching the entire exchange so she was like, "What was that? What happened?" And I was just like, "I don't really know. She just didn't seem interested. I swear, mom, it was as if she knew who I was and she hated me." Now, logically, I know that's totally crazy. There is no way she could know me. But her voice, her emotion was so mean and abrupt. I felt like my phone call had ruined her day, put her out so totally. I should have just made the drive and dropped off my resume. Why did I have to call first? I thought for a minute, maybe I should still just go and fill out an application. They put the name of the motel in the ad. I mean, it's a fricken front desk position. It specifically said 'no experience necessary', they only pay $9/hour. WTF? Why can't I get a job at a fricken lame ass motel or gas station? What is wrong with me? Does something weird come across in my voice? The way I speak? My vocabulary? Do I look scary? WHAT is IT????

So here I am, in my half finished basement, furniture stacked here and there, no desk available to fill out applications properly (because shit is stacked on top of it) trying to fill out another application for another stupid gas station. Maybe this one will hire me to ring up cigarettes for rude people. I need to finish painting and putting my furniture back in place so I can feel more organized and easily print out resumes. I'm probably the only person in NH who brings a resume to a gas station job. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I come off as pretentious. So this time I'm only filling out their form application that they printed out from some program. Whatever. Maybe it'll help. I just need a job. One that I can do while I continue school so that one day I can actually have a job I don't loathe.

So, later, i guess. I need to go shower and put on make-up, do my hair, and find a nice outfit so that I can be rejected again by another place I'm totally qualified to work at.