Oh my God, I am practicing some serious control over my emotions right now. I can't fuckin stand this asshole in my mother's kitchen. He just tried to use one of my Mom's linen dishtowels to soak up the grease from his bacon, that he took out of OUR refrigerator. And I'm the asshole for stopping it, and saying, "Are you fuckin daft?". Who does that? I mean really, who in their right fuckin minds does that? In someone's home? Someone ELSE"S home? I mean seriously???????? I hate, hate, hate him!!!!!! I really can't stress it enough. I tell them to use a paper bag, because they don't know what to do with themselves if there are no paper towels. Oh my God, what will we do? Nellie won't buy paper towels for you all to use as if they fall from the sky for free. Along with the eggs, milk, coffee, bacon, sugar, stove gas, electricity......

Why is he even here? He's married to some woman who is domestically employed by his family, get this though, he only married the woman so she would pay him to make her legal. How illegal is that??? Who do I call to report it? Does anyone know? Has anyhow dealt with that before? I mean, it's against the law on so many levels. Besides the fact that he is committing tax fraud, he's exploiting this poor woman to the nth degree. He's taking her money for his "payment", so she basically is being forced to work for nothing now because she feels indebted to his family. How fucked is that?? I mean, I'd feel bad for the woman, but really she should have to go through the same route as everyone else who wants to be a part of this country. Unless they were truly in love. But this purely a financial arrangement. I am sort of resentful of people who immigrate to this country and work for nothing because they take jobs away from people like me. So I'm competing for a spot against people who will either work for nothing and won't ever complain, and then on the opposite end of the spectrum are the people who are totally over qualified for the job but willing to work for less because jobs are so scarce. But anyhow, that's not the issue at hand. The issue is that I am willing to compromise my typical code of ethics by which I live just to get rid of this bloodsucking LEACH!!!!!! Would he be put in jail for something like that? Probably not, right? Unless he has a record, maybe, which he does, for sure. But not in the realm of tax evasion, just theft, drugs, domestic violence, destruction of property, assault, stuff like that. I sit and I think what can I do, what can I do, what can I do??? I can't murder him, obviously. Although, if this were the Wild West or something, he might just go off on a hunting trip and not return. But I could never get away with anything like that, and when it came down to it, I don't think I would have it in me to kill someone. (Although sitting here listening to him rant about all the drugs he's done to my little brother, is not redeeming him any. Sure, Sam is twenty, not ten, but still, is it necessary to sit here and go on and on and on about how much acid he bought and did when we were all teenagers. Nobody cares, we've all been there, we've all been on Phish lot, we've all sold drugs, we've all been spun, we've all travelled across and back across the country. Well, maybe Sam does think it's interesting, but it's not the kind of bragging he needs to hear. Way to be a good role model, asshole). I can't stand him. But is that enough to justify becoming a rat for the first time in my life? Is it okay to be a fink if the thing you're finking on is really wrong? I'm really not sure, I don't want to create really bad energy for myself. But maybe in the long run, I'd be doing her a favor. I think she would be better off going through the proper, albeit poorly designed, system rather than suffering through a modern version of indentured servitude. But maybe I'm wrong, and my dislike of this moron is clouding my vision.

Oh, and now the Mega Douche is downstairs, screaming like a banshee. She has no levels besides pretending to be civil and nice and then super insane bitch. There is no such a thing as reasoning with her, she can't have a logical argument with anyone. If you try to talk to her about anything, if you disagree with anything there is just no talking to her. She just starts screaming and swearing over everything you try to say. She tries to get you to her level, where you're screaming and flipping out too. But I have made it my goal to not be like that, ever again, with anyone, for any reason. It gets you nowhere. That's not to say I don't get upset, and that sometimes I react in a way I wish I hadn't after the fact. But I do everything in my power to stay calm and logical. I don't swear at her, or call her names. Despite her repeating, at the top of her lungs, over and over, "Fat fucking bitch, Loser, why don't you go suck a big, fat dick. Why don't you go eat some more, fat ass. Shut the fuck up you stupid cunt, all you do is sit around and do nothing but eat. Why don't you go back to school and do something, loser". How do you talk to someone like that? How? I just don't know. Everything I try, just doesn't make any impact, nothing works with her. You'll think you're getting along, you'll think you connected and she'll bitch to you about school, and her sucky, dirty boyfriend, and her schoolwork, she'll ask for help editing her paper, she'll eat the dinners I make and leave her dishes out in the hallway for me to do; and then without warning, she'll turn on you, just like that. Like just this last time she turned from "normal" to nasty because she decided that her boyfriend was coming to dinner at the very last minute and I was like, "Lily (sigh) I asked you, I asked everyone who would be here for dinner so I could plan for the portions. So I could buy the right amount of food. This wouldn't be so frustrating if I hadn't just asked and you said he would not be here." I didn't say he couldn't eat, I didn't freak out. But it goes from that to "Fuck You, we wouldn't want for you to lose any weight, NELLIE! You fat bitch, spend all day in the kitchen eating all the food, you fucking bitch". It sounds like I'm making it up, but really I'm not. She's that crazy. She can't have a disagreement and talk it out, ever. It's really frustrating.



The best thing would be if I just didn't have to be anywhere near her. That was the solution I've opted for until recently. But I've been holding in this anger and resentment for all these years because I feel like I was driven out of my own home because of her. I know that my Mom, like Jeannie so wisely pointed out, puts up with it because she doesn't know what to do about it, because she doesn't want my sister to hate her, and I think she also thinks I'm more capable of doing things for myself. But that sucks. Lily's more damaged, so she gets away with everything, because my Mom doesn't want to hurt her feelings? It's made my life really hard, my childhood was marked by Lily's outbursts, there was never any peace once Lily turned twelve or thirteen. And before that she wasn't right either, but she was a little girl. A little blond, blue-eyed girl, so people assumed she was innocent. Anything but. She would hit my brother when no one was looking, and then when he finally retaliated she would go rat on him, crying wolf all the time.



I'll always remember the exact day I knew for sure that something wasn't right. The first day her behavior scared me. We were on the swing set in our back yard and me and Scooter were swinging happily until Lily came out. She began to throw mud and rocks at Scooter for no other reason than she was clearly jealous that we were playing together on the swings and she has never known how to deal with anything, right from the start. And a lot of people would probably blow it off as normal kid stuff, as was undoubtedly Helen's take on the situation for years, "Oh, she's just a kid, she's jealous, she'll grow out of it". But she never has grown out of it. And it wasn't just kid stuff, she had a malicious look in her eye that day. Like the creepy movies you watch about children murderers; watching her was like watching a little blond angel rip the wings off an injured bird laying in the grass, and smiling. When the rocks and dirt didn't get him off the swing, she became more physical, trying to grab at him as he passed back and forth. Mind you, she was probably only five or six years old, but she had a mission. She wanted him off that swing, no matter what it took. She finally decided to take a stronger stance and she got behind him, as he came up for the back swing and she pushed, with all her might. And Scooter went flying forward, into the mud, and the rocks littering the dirt below him from her earlier projectiles. His hands were cut from the rocks, his face was cut from pounding the ground with his cheek, and he was crying in no time. And what did Lily do? She smiled, briefly, clearly, maliciously, and the she turned heel and ran inside crying that Scooter had hit her. And did she get reprimanded? Oh, no, Scooter did. Because she lied, and she's been perfecting her skills ever since. Scooter was sent to his room, and Lily got to swing. Alone. Because I have been wary of her ever since. You would think that the physical evidence of attack on my brother would argue in his favor. But it happens time and again that Lily physically injures people and gets away with it on the premise of self-defense. "I only hit him because he was swinging at me."

I really, and truly, believe that she has a mental disorder of severe standing. I believe she would stab me in my sleep, if she thought she would get away with it. I lock my doors. Especially after the day she was sitting in the living room, with everyone in the family, smoking a bowl, and out of the blue, for no known reason, Lily announces to us all that she would have no problem dismembering someone if she were high enough. Who says that? Who thinks about that? She worries me a great deal. And worse, she's studying to be a teacher for elementary school age children. She's doing her student teaching right now. Even if she manages to get through school, it's going to be really hard for her to find a job once employers conduct a back ground check on her. Most schools don't like to hire teachers with prior drug and assault charges. Not to mention she was let go from her last teaching job after she brought weed to the school and the whole classroom could smell it. It's the thought of people like her that make me wary of having kids to begin with. Looks can be deceiving. The kids will sometimes say mean things to her, like your dress is ugly; and rather acting like an adult, she'll reply, "Well, your dress is ugly". She comes home and tells us this, as if it's funny. She's crazy, totally crazy.

Well, I just really needed to vent. And I needed a way to keep busy while sitting here keeping the corner of my eye on them so they don't do anything drastically stupid. Like burn down the house. But they are finally clearing out. So I need to clean up after them so I can cook my own breakfast, and Sam and Mikey's too. Then I'll vacuum, turn all the thermometers down that I know have been turned up to seventy (thanks LILY). I know without looking because I'm sweating profusely just sitting here. They don't pay for it, so who cares?