I've really been trying to make a workable living situation with Mikey until we can get our store going and find our own places to live. But it's really getting worse and worse. He lives here with me at my my Mom's, for basically free, and he's just never happy. He compares his situation to that of my brother's, and he's jealous that they get everything from my Mom and do nothing. He doesn't understand that he's not her child and their situation just isn't his business, at all. He just needs to concentrate on his own problems and needs, as long as he has what he needs to be comfortable, and he's fulfilling his obligations, what is there to fret about? But all I hear is him complaining about not saving any money yet, and my brothers and sister do nothing and get hand outs, and why don't I clean the downstairs NOW, and why does my mother do this or that, and bitch, bitch, bitch. I just can't hear it anymore. Meanwhile, he sleeps until at least eleven every morning, while I get up no later than seven to go to the clinic. He's supposed to be driving me anyhow, because I have no license. So every day I drive myself is a gamble, I may get pulled over - but he just hates to get up early, and we wouldn't want that. Whaaa, whaaa, poor Mikey. It's seriously a toss up, would I rather go to jail or be stuck in the car with Mikey swearing at me or lecturing me for an hour and a half? It's really that awful to be with him in the morning that it's worth the risk to me, really, it is.
He makes me SO MAD!!! I was having an okay morning before he got up. It would have been better if my sister's boyfriend hadn't still been here, blabbing in our living room, even though my sister had left at seven. He hangs around bragging about how awesome a skier he is and telling us all kinds of shit we already know about the mountains. And I just really don't like him, he just rubs me the wrong way, and he has ever since I first met him when he was about thirteen. He's always been an obnoxious little fucker. He sits in my Mom's living room with his sweaty feet up on the coffee table, and lounges back on the couch as if he owns the place, in his stupid, saggy, yet somehow uncomfortably fitted long underwear. With his dried out, frizzy-ass, Cramer hair-do sticking up all over his greasy head, UGH! I really hate him. He screams everything he says and laughs this jarring, dog bark laughter; this series of HA, HA, HA"S as if he's caught you out on something. ICK! So maybe, afterall, my morning was sucky as soon as I got home from the clinic and walked into him commandeering the living room with his shady energy and scheming ways.
So I snuck into the dining room to try to create my own area of chillness. But, of course, I could still hear him, which begun this battle in my head of "I can do it, just relax and ignore him vs. Grrrr, I want to smack him and kick him in the ass right out the door". I managed to stay away from him until he left, but I couldn't shake the heavy, itching sensation in my chest, the feeling of unease. But I had my space in the dining room, with my tea and my computer, and it was getting late and I needed to eat something before it made me even more upset because my blood sugar begins to drop. I get really cranky when I'm hungry, so I decided to make an egg around my mother and her baking, because I was really hungry. See, my Mom had already started making my brother's Birthday Brownies (his request, rather than a cake), and she had stuff all over the kitchen counters. So right about then, Mikey comes stumbling upstairs with his hair sticking up all over his head and his eyes still filled with sleep. And he wants a cup of coffee, so I start that for him. All he had to do was push a button and then add milk and sugar. Simple. Then I felt obligated to ask him if he wanted one. But I wasn't really into making it for him, and things were hectic, but I cracked him two eggs alongside mine. But then I only put toast in for myself and he bugged out. Why couldn't I make him some too? But I've been up all morning, for hours, putting out the trash, cleaning up closets, driving to the clinic, and I'm hungry. He just got up, why can't he make his own toast and put his own plate together. Instead, he walks right into the dining room, sits down right in front of the laptop where I was sitting, and proceeds to minimize all my pages and check his own shit. All my stuff was there, I only got up to make the eggs, and he takes over my whole shit. And he does this, like, every time I sit anywhere with the computer. It really pisses me off. So I was bitching about it and telling him to make his own shit if he was going to consider my getting up to make food a good enough reason for him to consider me done with the computer. And he kept telling me to shut up and quit bitching. So my Mom told him, partially joking but sort of serious, to stop swearing at me and calling me names. And he got all huffy and collected all his stuff and stormed off. He said he wasn't eating his eggs now, either.
So I brought his stupid breakfast down to him and told him I hoped he choked on it while he was packing his shit so he could get the fuck out of my Mother's house. And he was all, "Mlyaa, fuck you, I am". So I hope he is, but I doubt it, because that would be too good to be true. I've been telling him to go to live with his own family now for months, so what would possibly have changed to make him finally leave now? Maybe he finally realized that I am really just trying to get the store going so we can both have money, but that's it. We're not a couple, how can we be? I can't be with someone for the rest of my life who treats me like a mix between his mother and his sister. I was willing to let him be my roommate until we got a store going, but he just can't stay here if he can't be grateful and pleasant more often than not.
Whatever, I'm almost done bitching for now. I'm sure I'm going to have to deal with his bullshit for the rest of the day. Which is going to suck because it's also Sam's birthday, and even though he's twenty he still thinks that everyone should only care about him today, and nothing else. He was horrified that me and my sister didn't remember to wish him happy birthday as soon as we saw him. (And I did wish him happy birthday before I went to bed last night, and it was almost midnight. So basically I was the first one to say it at all) I wasn't even thinking straight at that point. And I don't recall him being very pleasant to me on my birthday, in fact, everyone was an asshole that day. I'm sick of everyone thinking that they are the only ones who matter. And all the rest of us should bow down to their needs.
You know, I'll miss him to an extent when he's gone, but how can I ever move on with him here? I really don't want to be alone, at my Mom's house. That's, like, totally reverting to being at the level of a sixteen year old, only I'm thirty-one. But I just feel like he's not helping me to help us to move forward. He is too depressed and angry for me to be around, dealing with that shit is a waste of time. We have too much to get done if we are ever going to have a store. And really that was always his thing, not mine. But I do think it could make money and therefore give me a certain freedom from having to work shitty jobs. I'd have to work, of course, only it would be for myself. That's harder to give up than him, I think. Is that awful? I just want to be independent and I've got so far to go to be there. It seems so daunting. I just have to keep telling myself that it will work itself out, I will find a way for myself to be happy and feel useful. After the initial shitiness, I think that I could be a lot better off if Mikey would just go his own way. I don't care if he wants to go open his store on his own, or whatever. And I know he's going to be super unfair about what he takes, he'll try to take everything, and for the most part I really don't care about that either.
Right now I'm just pissed off at everyone. I'm mad at my Mom because she expects too much from me and not enough from anyone else. Even she herself admits this to be true. I really can't take it. I'm not perfect, at all. She never listens to anything I say, she will sit and whine to me all day and then if I have an issue it's "yeah, yeah, yeah, not now, Nellie. Don't ruin your brother's birthday". Well, today it's the birthday but it could be anything. It could be Lily's upset already, or it's already been too much with Scooter's problems. Because I always kind of went off on my own people figured I was fine. It's like that at the methadone clinic too. Because I'm the best of the worst they push me to the wayside. I may be an addict freak, but at least I'm not an addict freak who's pregnant or already has kids, or is living in a box or something. So I'm not the priority. I don't really need to be top priority, really. But it would be nice, once in a while, to be on the list at all.
Fuck this whiny shit. I need to go for a walk, pretend I don't live here and that I don't have to come back. Sorry for anyone who may have subjected themselves to this drivel. I'm not sure if that's correctly spelled, but I like the word so I'm keeping it. Have a Good One.