Monday, January 5, 2009

What The F**K Is This Life?

Why are we here? There is no real answer no matter if you believe in everything or nothing there are no real answers because nobody really knows. And I'm sick of religion because even as obvious as it may be that there is something else out there, we don't know what. We call it this, that and the other thing but it's all the same thing, this God. Some power, some influence, but most of us ignore it because it's scary to think about.

As I get off my methadone dose I feel like I'm coming back to life. I feel like I have been locked in some vault within my own body for five years. As the methadone seeps out of all my bones and fat cells it's like a shell is cracking within me and the person who I was before is coming back. There are many bad things about that girl but there are so many things that I miss about me that I want back. I realize how sedated I was on the dose I was on. You get there so slowly and usually you are so grateful because you think you can't get off dope any other way. I had got off dope myself once or twice and then gone through rehab but I always started using again as soon as the money was flowing again. But now I think the best way to quit dope is to go to a private rehab for months or more until you really feel life differently but that is not possible for me and most other people. I checked into how much private rehabs cost and it's like at least $5,000 a week and that's a low estimate. Who the hell can afford that? Movie stars, the independently wealthy? So the rest of us have to feel the pain, every moment of it and withstand it mostly alone and pray we make it through and can go back out there in the world without finding the nearest heroin to take the pain away. You just know it's out there shuffling through the hands and veins of so many people and it would be so easy, just so easy to feel so sweet. And that's your primary memory, will it be forever? I know all the people on the firmly sober side of the fence would say I'm in danger of using and I shouldn't come off my methadone. Maybe you are right - but I think I'll always be in danger of using and what am I supposed to do, just stay on legal shitty heroin forever? I'd rather be crazy and energetic and free and deal with the constant pain rather than sedated and zombified wearing liquid handcuffs.

You have to remember that methadone clinics are FOR PROFIT businesses. They are there to make money primarily and if they happen to help some people in the process, well, all the better I guess. I do think that there are individuals who sincerely care and want to help but they are forced, by threat of losing their job or license to practice, to conform to the impersonal care which is currently the norm. I've seen a lot of those folks get frustrated and burnt out. Is it really that difficult to see how methadone clinics are essentially legal heroin dealers? They make you jump through hoops to get your dose, just like all our dealers used to do. Instead of wait in the rain for three hours, show me your tits, get me some's be here every morning within a specific two hour gap (maybe more if it's a big clinic), don't talk to us in any way we don't like or we won't dose you, don't get upset, don't smoke weed, no you can't go down, see the doctor.....and if you do all this, we might give you your dose. The major similarity: We pay, We are the customer, They work for US, and they dictate the rules. How does that go down, most of us are at clinics voluntarily for our OPIATE abuse issues, not for smoking herb, or to go to redundant AIDS education meetings when we don't have AIDS and know all about it anyway. I know a lot of it is federal but like that makes it legit, the feds are the ones waging the war on drugs, again, FOR PROFIT. The best interest of the addict is not the foremost thought of anyone of these organizations.

If for some reason you cannot pay for your methadone, they will detox you faster than you can say, what the fuck? But if after years and years of being clean and you decide you want to go down, they will make it so extremely difficult and frustrating to get your dose lowered. You will have to see the doctor, the director, your counselor, fill out paperwork, oh yeah, and beg. So you see the issue I hope, if it's in their interest "There is no danger in dropping 10mg a day. The physical pain of withdrawal is all in our heads". But if we want to go down 5mg every three days, well then they need to monitor us for heath and mental stress and make sure we are not endangering ourselves. That's crap. Stand up for your rights, we signed paperwork coming in stating that this was voluntary and we were allowed at any time to stop treatment of our own will, even if we were openly stating that our goal was to go out and use, that is our perogative. Would you still shop at CVS if every time you went in the told you that you could not buy anything without first buying a $15 bottle of perfume? No you would not. But that's what the clinics do to us, they force us to continue paying $15 a day when we want to get off while we are waiting for the proper "paperwork". BE WARY.

On a more positive note, I am down to 15mg - that's SO close for those of you who don't know. But I do hear it's the worst once you are down to zero, like the second or third day I've been on zero I think I'll be feeling it the worst. But I did discover something to's a secret though until later. Please leave any comments you may have. At this point I even welcome those who really think I'm wrong, just let me know what you think.

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VV is the shit

VV is the shit
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