Thursday, May 28, 2009

Rainy Day at Bucket of Suds

I hate having to do laundry at the laundromat. I know that I (which makes me wonder about other people) put some pretty dirty, nasty shit in there. I mean literally, my dogs sometimes have accidents that I clean up the best I can but I still need to run it through the wash. It's gross, I know, but what am I supposed to do? Throw it away? Wash it by hand? Fuck that. Our landlord said we couldn't get a washer & dryer for the apt. because he claims the plumbing can't handle it. Whatever. It's really because hot water & electric comes included with the rent so he's just cheap.
One of the first things I'll save up to get once I have my own place, is a wicked nice washer & dryer. It's so convenient to be able to simply wash stuff as soon as it gets dirty. That way you always have all your clothes to wear and you don't have to waste so much time sitting at a laundromat waiting for stuff to spin & fluff. And I hate how sometimes I get the feeling that some people come here with the hope that they may meet someone. Not to say that I wouldn't necessarily be open to the right person. But I've never really been good interacting with people in general. That's why I like dope so much. It kind of fuzzes the edges of my anxiety and I can actually talk to people without feeling sweaty and nauseous. And since I can't smoke, drink, or boot up here, talking to others is kind of out. Of course I smoked before I left but that was a while ago and I could definitely stand another jib. Well, I could and would have done all of the above in a laundromat at one time. I always kick myself for not bringing something with me. But when I leave I'm wicked stoned and I think, Aw, I'll be good, But I really wish I had at least brought the blunt roach from earlier. I just get so paranoid. Probably because I have no license and a warrant in the state I live in. But I just can't stay cooped up in the house all day. Especially with the gloomy, gray light and the pounding rain. And of course, Mikey is home and even though he'll eventually be sleeping because, thank God, he has to work tonight. I wish I had a secret boyfriend I could invite over and have stay until the wee hours and then have him sneak off before Mike gets home. I'm sure some folks think I'm a total bitch for writing that. Whatever. He's made his own bed and now he can lay in it alone.
If I had stayed home we would have just bitched at each other until I wanted to pull my hair out. I'm sure things are getting worse between us because I'm just done. I used to try to care, try to think it would work itself out because I really wanted it to. I know I've never been as in love with Mike as I could have been. I mean, I've been more in love before in my life and I'm pretty sure he has too. I just feel like, although I am thirty, that's pretty young to resign myself to a life of unfulfillment. It would just be a stupid waste of living. And why else are we here if not to make the most of it. That's one thing that I don't understand about people who don't ever try drugs their whole life. Aren't they curious, don't they wonder what all the rave is about? I'm glad for all I've done if only so that I can know I did, know what it was all about and not regret that I didn't at least try.
Well, that's it for the ranting and griping about nothing of consequence. I'm sure the world will be sad but I must go fold all the clothes now. Even the boxers, jeans, and piles of t-shirts which are not mine. Because, of course, I am the woman and that's my job. Right? People love to believe things have changed and women are treated equally. That's a crock. We get to work as hard, at the same jobs, get paid less and still go home to take care of the kids and do all the chores. I'm beginning to think the best way to finish life would be to live alone and be the mistress to several wealthy men who can pay my bills and satisfy my sexual needs and be off with themselves to let their sucker ass wives do their laundry. Any takers? Wealthy hotties, where are you?


Anonymous said...

I for one am glad that I never tried drugs.
Unfortunately I did try alcohol and now have a serious problem that I am fighting every day.

Jeannie said...

I've smoked a little weed - back when I was young, it wasn't very good so I preferred alcohol. My brother did a lot of drugs and was pretty messed up which scared me off trying anything else. I'm trying to get someone to help me find a good strain for pain but no one is in a hurry.

Boston Joe said...

you totally should not resign yourself to something you know is not gonna work for any reason. I find myself stuck in a somewhat similar situation.. I married my wife because it was "the right thing to do" and thought that it was "meant to be" becuase we were together for like almost 10 years before that but I totally did not feel it. Now I am fucked. Started doing H cause I could not deal and been clean for a while now but life sucks cause she is always up my fuckin ass with a mag glass. We also got kids now so I am fucked if I leave and fucked if I stay... If you don't feel it you gotta follow your heart, don't trap yourself and be miserable, it sucks!!

Nellie said...

Thanks you guys for the comments.

Jeannie - I really appreciate you checking in and posting. You mean weed strain for pain? Probably just as strong as you can find. Also, when I detoz off my methadone a substitute the cravings with California Poppy extract. It's non addictive and you can buy it at any healthfood store. It doesn't have the same stuff as regular opiates but it has enough alkaloids to help ease the pain. You may want to try it.

Joe - Thanks for stopping by. I've kind of related to you for a while because from what I read of your blog when you still had it (I haven't been able to find it. U took it down, right?) Also, I grew up outside of Boston. You're totally right. I'm so glad I don't have kids. But I'm, like, 30 and I want to have kids one day, just not w/Mikey. I would feel totally stuck if I did. I feel bad wanting to leave but being miserable sucks. I really appreciate your comments.

Anonymous said...

Hi there! Came to your blog through a link from someone's (Melody's?) & I want to compliment your writing. You are very articulate & well spoken. I don't know why I feel compelled to give bloggers advice but I do so here goes...

1.) I am totally with you on the drugs making you feel better thing. I do not use heroin but the prescription Ultram & others like it are what makes me feel normal. Just try getting your MD to agree though! If I need energy & motivation to get going Ultram is the thing for me. It makes me feel okay & yes in high doses...well...high but that's not the point. The point is that somehow it is okay to use certain drugs such as antidepressants to feel better but not others. Antidepressants do nothing for me & I have tried a bunch of them over the years. If anything they make me more lethargic & depressed. I read on another blog awhile back that someone thought these different reactions were based on different brain chemistries & that although not enough was known there is a predispostion against expanding the range of what drugs can make a person menatally well.

I agree with you that heroin should be controlled & regulated so the purity level is stabilized. In my town (North of Boston) people have been dying from overdoses b/c the purity has been changed suddenly.

2.) If you are not fulfilled, leave your boyfriend as soon as possible. I was your age about ten years ago and I had this boyfriend...anyway we are married now with children & it has gotten worse. Much worse. I don't know how much I ever loved him (and with very good reason) and I am not sure he really loved me. Beyond that we were not any type of soulmates. Now that we have kids, it is that much more difficult to leave & start over. Don't do what I did. It doesn't get better. If you want a family, wait for the right person. Everyday will be so much better.

You are much too young to be unfulfilled. You said it!

I wish I had a secret boyfriend too! I even love that song Boyfriend #2.

VV is the shit

VV is the shit
We all have to love VV