Saturday, October 17, 2009

There is just no fucking pleasing him. It doesn't matter and it doesn't just not matter what I do, it doesn't matter what the world does. Fucking ice cream cones filled with money could fall from the sky and he would complain that they were hitting him on the head or falling too fast, or why did they come today, that wasn't planned very well for him. Of course he would never just be happy because something cool happened. And maybe that's why he won't work with me at all to make it easier for us to split. Maybe he needs me around to suck positive energy from, since he can't generate his own. Where would he be in life w/out his personal cheerleader/punching bag.

Yesterday, while him and my brother are doing I don't know what, hanging around, pretending to blow glass and get things ready for the festival today, although there really wasn't much to do, I do all the laundry by myself, then I go to the grocery store, buy the food, drive home, bring in the laundry and food bags by myself. Then I make a roasted chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, peas, carrots, bread, and cranberry sauce, and don't forget the pumpkin pie for dessert. They chow and fall asleep. I clean up.
Then this morning I wake up at seven, drive to the clinic, stop and get them coffee on my way home. Then I take all the dogs out for a walk - by myself. Then I cut cornstalks and drag them back home for them to decorate their stand. They tell me they are stupid. I help pack up the car and drive them to town to help set up. They don't have any chairs and think they need more ganja crispy treats. So I run to the store (oh, wait, first I walked to get them beers and pizza while they stood around flirting with all the college girls) and get more marshmallows, crispies and what not to make more treats. I run home, pack up chairs and make, like, three more batches of ganja treats which make me feel all tired and heavy. I drive them all back down to them.

By the time I get back it's getting dark and they wish I had brough them lights because the frat house doesn't have any that will work for them. They are mad at the Frat guys because they bitched at them for selling ganja treats from the stand because they are afraid the police might cause a problem. As usual, Mikey takes his frustration out on me. He goes to pay the president their percentage for letting him set up there. He asks if I will pack up the case while he is gone. So Sam stands there and watches me as I load everything into cases and get packed up.

Now they want to walk around and sell ganja treats. I'm really not into this. I tell them they can drive me home and then come back and stay all night if they wish. Or I said they could stay and I would pick them up later. Didn't really matter to me but I didn't want to really go get them later, but I would have and I didn't tell them that. I agree to walk around for a few minutes because I really wanted to see all the pumpkins lit up. I would have stayed but I just didn't want to walk around drinking and selling ganja treats to college kids. I'm thirty fucking years old. I wanted to look at the pumkins, maybe have some treats, or a sausage grinder, see what other people were vending and then head home to my warm bed and enjoy my relaxing day off. I don't have any desire to hang around with drunk, beligerent kids. But my brother is only nineteen and was really into it which is totally understandable. And Mikey like anything where anyone hangs around him making him feel cool. So all day he was all, "oh did you see this hot girl and that hot girl. And blah, blah, blah." As long as he has drugs nto make him feel cool he doesn't have to learn how to be a decent guy I guess.
So they finally decided they were just going to drive me home so they could leave when ever they wanted to and I could go home and get some sleep. Sounded great to me. So we were on our way to the car and ran into our uptairs neighbors and they told him there were fireworks in an hour. And suddenly it's as if Mikey's been waiting for the fucking fire works all day. He didn't even know about them until Sean told him. And he's all "We better hurry, I'll never get back in time. All I want to do is go to the fireworks and sell these treats. That's where everyone will be. We're gonna miss it because of you. We'll never get back in time. What the fuck."

Me: "Well, I think it will be really crowded and filled with kids and families. I think you'd be better off going back to the frat house and hanging out inside and selling them there. You didn't even know they were having fireworks, how can it be that important suddenly?"

Whatever, basically he takes it out on me because his friend made it seem like it was cool to set up at this stupid frat house and he would make a bunch of money and that didn't happen. They frat guys were drunk, pompous assholes and they made no money. But that's not my fault and I'm so sick of bending over backwards to try to make him happy, thinking that will in turn make my life easier, and having him just be miserable no matter what and make me miserable.

This doesn't even make any sense. I didn't even write about the worst part. Tells me I've been nothing but annoying all day. How can a person be annoyimng when the only time they are even present is when they are delivering your various requests. Fuck, fuck, fuck FUCK!!!!! HIM!!!!

I am SO ANGRY right now. I hate that I cry when I'm mad. I hate every pathetic, hot tear.
I hate that I have no money. I hate all the bad choices I've made. I hate all the bad choices that have been made for me and the ones that just affected me made by others. I hate being stuck here, saving money until I can leave or get him to.

I feel like I could explode.

3 comments:

Jeannie said...

I want to explode with you. I know you do all those things because they have to be done - I do the same thing. Meanwhile the guy only does what he "feels" like doing right? And then announces to the world his great accomplishment. Or blames you if it doesn't work out.

Nellie said...

Jeannie-YES! I felt embarassed after I wrote that post, like I was being overreactive. But it also made me feel better to get it out. I'm so glad someone can relate to how I feel. Not that I would ever wish my frustrations on another person, it just makes me feel like maybe I'm not some crazy harpie. I know it is such a cliche to say that it's a guy thing, but it really seems to be. Cliches come from some truth, don't they. Sure, women have made such accomplishments in being able to vote and have a say in the future of our world, but we have so far yet to go. I don't want to be a man, I just want to be fully appreciated for being a woman. I don't mind doing the nurturing, and caring for my family - I love doing it, it makes me happy to see them happy. I just want to be loved and appreciated for doing it. I know you understand that because I can tell from your writing that you are your family's caregiver and nurturer. You know what it is like to work a job and then care for your family and be taken for granted. I think a lot of women can probably relate to that. Thank you so much for validating my frustration.

Ooops said...

I like your blog! Pretty cool. Great pics!

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